A New Life

Have you ever experienced that phenomenon where you’ve been asleep and your mind wakes up, but your body doesn’t?

My mind starts to process my surroundings when Sean is talking to his mother on the phone. I hear him telling her about the girls. Madison is healthy and doing well, but it sounds like Isabella has been struggling. She’s turning around though. Or so it sounds.

I should be freaking out right now. I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep, but it’s clearly been a little while.

I try to open my eyes, but they won’t move. I try to move my fingers, but they won’t do anything. I try to cough or speak or anything, but I can’t.

I really probably should be freaking out at this point. What if I’m paralyzed?

But I don’t freak out. Instead, I listen to Sean’s soothing voice. It’s so wonderful. He’s careful with what he says. His voice is hushed so that no one walking by can hear, but still firm enough that both his mom and I can hear what he’s saying. And I can tell just from the tone of his voice that he’s already completely in love with both girls. They have him wrapped around their little fingers.

When they hang up, he fumbles around for a little before I hear the sound of voices coming from his laptop. I’ve been with Sean long enough at this point to know he’s watching video of previous games.

I try again to move something, but only succeed in making myself incredibly exhausted. I continue to listen to Sean’s laptop for a while. It sounds like a game and a half of video, actually.

My body is starting to feel less exhausted, so I decide to try moving again. I focus hard on the fingers of my right hand, which are hopefully in my husband’s line of view. I gear myself up and determine that I will move my finger. I feel a twitch, but am not sure if that was real or just from such a desire for it to move.

A couple seconds pass before the laptop pauses. I feel Sean’s hand slip into mine, his fingers brushing my knuckles.

“Ch-Charlie?” He asks. His voice is strained and worried and sad and hopeful and oh my god he’s so perfect.

I have to move again for him. Come on, body. Please.

This time, I know my finger moves. Not just because I can feel it, but because Sean sucks in a breath and his fingers start to run alongside mine. I feel his forehead press against mine and a wet drop falls on my cheek.

“Baby, if this is you waking up.... please... don’t stop.” He begs.

No, Sean. I won’t stop. I’ll do whatever you want.

I hear a monitor beep in my ear, harsh and unnatural. I realize it must be my heart rate, since it’s beating faster now.

“Charlie, love. Don’t over do it. But fight for it, Charlie. Wake up for me, please.”

I feel the warmth of his hand leave mine, but only for a second. He brings my hand to his lips and begins kissing every inch of skin he can find.

“Did you push the button?” I hear an unfamiliar voice ask.
“Yeah. She- she um... Her finger moved. Twice.”
“Twice?”
“Yeah. It like... It did this.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll paige the doctor currently on call. Have you tried talking to her?”
“I’ve been talking to her since I saw her finger move, yeah.”
“Good. Keep talking to her for now.”

Sean sighs before speaking again.

“Charlie, I don’t know if you can hear me or not. But I need you so badly, baby. I feel so incomplete without you... Baby, our girls are so beautiful. I named them what we decided on. Madison Grace Couturier and Isabella Michelle Couturier. Maddy was born first. She’s healthy and active. She has your eyes, Charlie. They’re so beautiful. Bella was born second, and she scared the hell out of me for a little while. Her lungs aren’t completely developed yet, and they weren’t developing the way they should have been. She was put on a machine to help her breathe. But she’s getting better now. She’s progressing the way she should be. And they said that in the next couple of days she should be able to start breathing on her own. Only for short periods of time, though. But she’s getting there.”

He pauses to sniffle and I want so badly to reach out and caress his face.

“They’re just so beautiful, Charlie. Remember we were always debating if one would look more like me and one more like you? Or if they would be an even split or something? Well, besides their eyes, they’re an even split. Maddy has your eyes, and Bella has mine. They’re fraternal, but they each look so much like both of us...”

I can tell he doesn’t know what else to say. But he wants to.

“You probably didn’t hear me say this before. And who knows, you might not even be able to hear me now. But I have to admit something to you, Charlie. I haven’t been taking care of myself since you went into labor. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping. I didn’t shower for a while. I almost hurt myself for the long run. But fortunately, I’m starting to get my act together. I actually went home last night and spent the night there instead of here with you. Which was a huge step in the right direction.”

God, I want to actively hold his hand so badly. I can’t believe he hasn’t been taking care of himself. I’m going to kill him when I’m physically capable.

“I miss you so much, baby. I love you.”

I hear the door open and a female voice fills the room.

“Mr. Couturier? Hello, my name is Dr. Rosenberg. What seems to be going on?”
“My wife, she uh... she moved her finger. Twice.”
“I see on her chart that she’s been here a week. Has she moved at all since then?”
A week???
“No, this is the first time.”
“Well, it looks like her vitals have been getting better over the last day. She very well might be in the process of waking up. Have you been talking to her?”
“Yeah, I’ve been trying. She isn’t responding, though.”
“It’s very normal for coma patients to work their way back into consciousness slowly. Some patients will wake up right away, and some will start showing small signs of waking up and will progress from there. I’ll check her vitals again right now, and then just keep monitoring her.”
“Okay.”

Sean sounds beaten down. Disappointed, maybe. I want so badly to just open my eyes and hug him. I love him so much, and hearing him like this is breaking my heart.

The new doctor presses her fingers to my wrist and I can feel my heart beat beneath her finger tips. Next, I feel the cold of a stethoscope on my chest.

“Her vitals looks good.” She says. “Let me or a nurse know if she moves any more.”

The door shuts a couple of seconds later, and I feel the bed dip next to me.

“I honestly don’t know what more to say, Charlie.” Sean says, taking my hand. “I just need you to know that I love you. I miss you. I need you. If you are starting to wake up, I want you to know that I’m here. I’m waiting for you.”

His lips grace my forehead and it sends a shock through my body. It’s warm and sweet and I want him to do it again. Over and over again. Lucky for me, he feels the same and kisses me again, once on each cheek. I’m hoping he’ll press one to my lips, but I guess he doesn’t think about that. Or if he does, it isn’t something he decides to do.

He sighs and I can imagine the expression on his face. He’s probably got his lips pulled into a tight line. His eyes are heavy and looking down. Maybe at me. I can practically see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows. His hand brushes through his long hair, pushing it back.

I have to show him I’m listening. I have to show him I’m here, and that I care. With everything I have and everything I am, I focus on the muscles in my left hand. I need to hold him. I feel my fingers tighten and curl around his for a slight second before they relax.

He sucks in a breath and it’s totally worth the complete exhaustion. I feel a drop of wetness on my arm. He’s crying.

“Baby...” He breathes. “If you can hear me, squeeze again. Please.”

I have no energy left, but I have to do this. I squeeze again and he lets out a choked sob.

“I love you, Charlotte Rose Colemann Couturier. I always have, and I always will... I know you’re probably really exhausted. You’re fighting so hard and it’s absolutely amazing. But if you need to sleep, you can love. Rest up a bit. I’ll be here all night. I’m going to practice tomorrow morning, but other than that I’m not going anywhere.”

So I have time. I can take a nap. Relax my body. Build up the energy to do more. For him.

I love you too, Sean.