The Mocha Music TV Challenge

The Mocha Music TV Challenge

By Cosmic Gerbil

Disclaimer: It's all fictional and I don't own Metallica. No harm or offence is meant to Metallica or any of their friends and families.

“No!”

“Aw, come on James…”…

“No!”

“But you haven’t even thought about it”.

“I have. I thought quickly and came to a near immediate conclusion. That conclusion is…NO!”

Lars looked at Kirk and sighed. They both looked at James. He was sat on the settee, arms folded across his chest, jaw muscles clenched and eyebrows down in a frowny way. It was his best stubborn look, one that Lars and Kirk found almost impossible to dissuade.

“Ok, so the answer is no”…Lars began.

“No shit, Sherlock!” James snorted.

“Let me finish! Can you at least give us a reason why?”

“Just one reason?” James raised his eyebrows. “How about a hundred, if you guys have time”.

Lars sat down opposite James, on one of Kirks’ amps. “Go on then” he said.

“Right”. James took a deep breath. “It’s stupid. It’s babyish. It’s too commercial. It’s a waste of time. It’s boring. It’s the sort of thing that teenage chicks do. It’s…”…

“OK, OK!” Lars held up his hands in defeat.

“Aw, James, it’s not that commercial” Kirk wheedled. “I mean, Mocha Music is only a little TV station”.

“A small, local, practically underground station” Lars added on.

“That plays exclusively metal” Kirk continued.

“And not just big name bands like us or Iron Maiden” Lars said. “But little, up and coming bands. It give them a break that other TV stations won’t”.

“Besides” Kirk said in a hopeful tone. “Don’t you think it would be just a little bit fun?”

James glared daggers at his band mates. “Fun? Are you fucking kidding me? Having piles would be more fucking fun!” He leapt up from the settee, as if his none - existent (but universally more fun) piles were playing him up.

“This is bullshit! You guys are crazy! The answer is NO, so you can call Mocha Music back and tell them to stuff a cactus up their asses. A cactus with poison spikes!”

Then James stormed out of the room, slamming the door after him so hard that the foundations of the Metallimansion shook.

Kirk gazed at Lars. Lars shrugged.

“I don’t think he wants to do it”. he said.

*******************************

James flung his bedroom door open, stamped across the room and threw himself down onto his bed. He lay there a minute, fuming and calling Lars, Kirk and Mocha Music some rude names.

“Stupid motherfuckers!” he growled under his breath. “Why didn’t they just tell the TV station to suck on a cock? Why the fuck didn’t they….”…

“Hey, James!” a familiar voice called out cheerfully. James gasped and sat up with a jump. There was Cliff, standing in the doorway, grinning at him.

“Shit Cliff, you startled me!” James said.

“Sorry dude” said Cliff, still grinning. “Say, was that an earthquake I heard a minute ago? Or did the living room door suffer your wrath?”

“I didn’t slam it that hard” James muttered.

“If you say so. Remind me to check the news tonight, to see if there’s been any reports of earthquakes in the Bay Area”.

“Asshole!” said James but already he seemed less cross. Cliff was so relaxing, even when teasing him. It was almost impossible to remain mad when he was around.

Cliff strolled over to James and sat on the bed next to him. “So, what caused you to tray and emulate an earthquake dude?”

James chewed his bottom lip. “Nothing”.

Cliff put his hand on James’ shoulder. “Come on now Jamie” he said. “In all the years I’ve known you, every time there has been something wrong with you and I’ve asked you what it was and you’ve said nothing, have I ever stopped badgering you until you’ve told me what your problem was?”

James tried to look impatient but he couldn’t help smiling.

“Ok, well it’s not much really. Just that this dumb TV station called Lars, wanting us to do this dumb challenge”.

“A dumb challenge?” Cliffs’ eyes lit up. “Hey, that sounds kinda fun”.

James scowled. “It’s not fun, buddy. Trust me, it’s lamer than..urm, a lame horse”.

“What is it?” Cliff asked. “Do we have to dress up in drag?”

“No” said James, blushing.

“A simulated wedding between you and Kirk?”

“No!”

“An’ you’re the one who has to wear the wedding dress?”

“No WAY!” James yelped.

(At the bottom of the stairs, Lars and Kirk were eavesdropping intensely. Lars nudged Kirk, the shook his head.

“I can hear more no’s. I don’t think Cliff’s having any more luck persuading James than we did”).

“Come on dude, spill the beans” Cliff begged. “If you don’t, I’ll just assume that it’s something to do with dressing up as women”.

“OK, fine” James sighed. “Mocha Music want Metallica and Flotsam and Jetsam to stay at some grotty old hotel for the night. See, how boring is that?”

“I dunno man, we’ve had our share of fun over the years, staying in grotty hotels” Cliff mused.

“That was when we were young and poor” said James with dignity.

“And now we’re slightly older but still young and um, slightly less poor” Cliff said helpfully.

“Huh!” James huffed and stared down at his grubby trainers. “Getting older is fucking overrated, if you ask me”.

“Sure old man. I’ll get you a bath chair for Christmas” Cliff teased. “So, where is this hotel?”

“Um, you’re probably never heard of it”.

“Try me?”

James frowned. “Just some old dump called Walter Towers“.

“Walter Towers?” Cliff said with interest. “Isn’t that the hotel that‘s supposed to be really haunted?”

“Yeah, I guess so”. James scowled again,. “I think that’s why Cocksucker Music want us to stay there. You know, it’s supposed to make it more challenging. More dumb and lame, I think!”

“Is that putting you off Jamie?” Cliff grinned evilly. “You’re not scared of ghosts, are ya?”

James went red. “James Hetfield is not scared of…ah, never mind. It’s still a dumb idea”.

“So, when’s the challenge for?” Cliff asked.

“October 31st”.

“On Halloween?” Cliff said innocently.

“Yeah cus it‘s supposed to be more scary that way“. James rolled his eyes.

“Ha, cool!” Cliff said. “And with Flotsam and Jetsam”. He smirked again. “I wonder what Jason will think of all this?”

James gave Cliff the middle finger.

“Awww” said Cliff, giving James big puppy dog eyes. “Don’t ya like Jason Newsted?”

“I want to stuff a cactus up his ass. With steel spikes on it” said James.

“Ahh, don’t be like that dude. I think he’s a nice kid” said Cliff.

“Good! When we stay at Walter Towers, you can sleep in bed with him and cuddle him if he gets scared”.

Cliff’s jaw dropped. “Hey man? Do you mean you’re gonna do the challenge?”

James blinked. “Am I?”

Yeah, you just said when we do it”.

James lowered his eyebrows and stuck his bottom lip out a little.

“I will if you do” he finally said.

“I’m game” Cliff said. “It’s won’t be a Metallica challenge unless all members take part, will it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s true”. James brightened up.

“Great!” said Cliff. “You gonna tell Lars and Kirk then?”

“Um, yeah, I’d better” said James. He got up off the bed and trotted down stairs. He found Lars and Kirk in the living room, arms wrapped around each other and kissing passionately.

“Hey you guys?” James said loudly. His band mates broke apart and stared at him. Kirk blushed but Lars just giggled.

“James, you don’t have a face that looks like thunder anymore” he said.

“Thanks buddy. Say, did you call back Mocha Music and tell them to stuff a poisoned cactus up their asses?”

“Um, no” said Lars, looking guilty.

James folded his arms and leaned against the door frame. “You were waiting for Cliff to speak to me cos you thought he’d persuade me to accept the challenge, weren’t you?”

“Oh no, really no” Lars insisted. “I was waiting for the library to open so I could go there and researched species of cactuses with poisoned spikes”.

“Cacti” Kirk pointed out.

“Yeah, those too. If I was going to insult Mocha Music so much, I at least wanted to have the correct knowledge of botany”.

“Um” said James. “Well, screw that. I’m gonna take part in the dumbass challenge, OK?”

“Really?” said Lars, pretending to be surprised.

“Yeah, really” said James. “James Hetfield never turns down a challenge”.