Status: Rated R cos the swearing within turns the air blue :P
The Mocha Music TV Challenge
Chapter 10
“James Hetfield?” the guy said nervously. “Of Metallica?”
James looked flattered to be recognised. “Yeah, that’s me” he said. “James Hetfield, who stuffs titanium cactuses garnished with boiled cabbage water that’s still hot up the asses of motherfuckers who dress up in fucking armour and wake him up in the middle of the fucking night!”
“Please, I’m sorry!” the man groaned. “I-I can explain, everything”.
“You had better” growled James. He turned to Jason. “Go and wake the other guys up and tell ‘em to get down here pronto. I reckon everyone needs to hear this”.
Jason sped off and about five minutes later, he returned with a line of sleepy musicians. They trooped into the room, yawning, rubbing sticky eyes and blinking in the bright light. Only Lars looked really chirpy and excited. He sat down on the chest of drawers; legs swinging back and forth as he viewed the newcomer.
“James, who is this guy?” Lars asked.
“We’re about to find out” said James. “OK, phoney fucker, start talking!”
The young man sighed and nodded.
“My name is Walter” he began. “I’m the grandson of the managers and manageress”.
“Walter Walters?” Jason asked.
“No, dumbass, Walter Terrys” James said. “The hotel is Walter Towers, the family name is Terrys”.
“Oops, yeah” said Jason.
“OK” Walter continued. “W-well, there’s a lot of old clothes and armour here and I’ve been dressing up in them for years now, pretending to be various ghosts. My Dad, uh, did the same thing before me too. Dad and I kept our identities secret so that if anybody went to Granddad and Grandma’s house, they’d find them right there and really think they had seen genuine ghosts”.
“Ha, it’s like something out of an old Scooby Doo episode” said Eric.
“Yeah” Lars agreed. He looked at Walter sternly. “OK, so I’m presuming that Walter Towers isn’t actually haunted at all”.
“It isn’t” said Walter with a sigh. “There’s never been a single ghost here”.
James’ lip twitched.
“Why do it though?” Kirk asked. “What was the point, really?”
“To try and make our hotel popular” explained Walter. “Since Great Granddad refused to let Granddad and Grandma modernise the place, nobody ever wanted to stay. My Dad told me that Granddad and Grandma did everything they could to attract guests: offer free meals or free drinks, promote the fresh air of the countryside location, advertise Walter Towers as a historical curiosity. Nothing worked, nothing at all. Dad said we were running on a huge loss and would either go bankrupt within a couple of years or be forced to sell the hotel”.
James still looked impatient but Jason was starting to feel a little pang of sympathy for the scared Walter.
“So Granddad and Grandma thought up a clever gimmick” Walter continued. “They would spread rumours that Walter Towers was haunted and offer a big reward to anybody who was brave enough to stay the night”.
“And people believed that?” Lars asked sceptically.
“Well, we had to work on it” said Walter. “A few family members or friends pretending to stay and then running scared. News travelled fast and Dad and Mom began to plan their tricks. The old costumes are very convincing and to make them look better, they used accessories, such as flour or luminous paint”.
James snorted and Lars shook his head. “I can’t believe that so many people were taken in my something so dumb for so many years” he said.
“It was very convincing” Jason said kindly. “The glowing armour in the dark, I mean”.
“Uh, thank you” said Walter.
“I guess the atmosphere of the place helps too” said Kirk. “It’d be hard to convince anybody that a totally modern place was haunted”.
“Yeah, you don’t exactly expect to see ghosts enjoying computer games and stuff like that” James snickered.
“Computer games are awesome and everybody with taste likes them” said Lars. He slid down of the chest of drawers and faced Walter, hands on his hips.
“Lars, you’d be a lot more intimidating if you were fucking taller” James pointed out”.
“Shush!” said Lars. “Well…” he said to Walter.
Walter sighed. “I’m sorry” he said. “Really! It seemed like such a good idea at the time and we were desperate.
I guess you guys are going to expose us now. I can’t say I blame you. I guess it was good while it lasted”.
******************************
The musicians were all silent; lost in thought as they contemplated what to do.
Kirk chewed his bottom lip.
The Flotsam and Jetsam guys all looked pretty sympathetic.
James eyed up Cliff, who was lurking in the corner. Cliff grinned at him. James rolled his eyes.
Fucker! I know you want me to be the nice guy and let the Terrys off, don’t ya? he thought.
Cliff smiled sweetly.
Finally Kirk spoke.
“I don’t want to expose the Terrys” he said. “I’d feel like an asshole if I did”.
“I agree with Kirk” said Kelly David-Smith.
“Me too” said James.
“Really?” Kirk said surprised.
“Yep. You and Kelly are both assholes!”
“James” said Lars warningly. James assumed an innocent expression.
“I’ve gotta say, I’m going to go with Kirk and Kelly” said Eric. “I just can’t bring myself to expose Walter and his family”.
“Yeah, it just feels too rotten” said Jason.
The other Flotsam and Jetsam guys nodded.
Walter began to look cautiously relieved. Lars sighed.
“I guess we’re gonna let you off then, if everybody else feels the same way” he said.
“Hey, wait a minute!” James piped up. “This guy’s been duping loads of people for years and you guys just wanna forget all about it?”
“Not quite” said Lars. “I have terms!” He looked delighted to be able to say such a thing.
“Lars, since when did you lead either band?” James grumbled but Lars wasn’t listening. He scrambled back up onto the chest of drawers and spoke to Walter in a businesslike tone.
“OK, here is my deal. Everybody else, feel free to chip in if you agree or disagree”.
Eric gave Kirk an amused glance and Kirk raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly.
“First rule. When Lars talks, we all listen”.
“OK, Walter” Lars began. “First of all, this $1000. Do your family actually have that kind of money?”
“Oh yeah, we’ve always put the $1000 aside, just in case somebody really was brave enough to stay the night” Walter said. “We wouldn’t trick anybody out of the reward”.
“Yeah cus dressing up as a fucking phoney ghost wasn’t tricking people, no, not at all” James sneered.
“Hush James” said Lars.
“Uhh…you want the $1000 in return for keeping quiet? Walter asked.
“Nope” said Lars. “You and your family can keep it”.
Walter looked stunned. (Not to mention the musicians).
“K-keep it?” he stammered.
“Yeah, we’re rich, famous rock stars, we don’t need it” said Lars. “Keep it and use it to get the hotel done up properly”.
“But-but Great Granddad always wanted the hotel to stay old fashioned”.
“Yeah but there’s old fashioned and there’s falling to pieces” said Lars.
“I dunno about that, our room is very fancy” said Kirk.
“Yeah but other rooms aren’t” said Lars. He waved his hand round, indicating the room they were in, with its peeling wallpaper, patches of damp on the walls and worn carpet. “This one for a start”.
“And our room” Jason said, glancing at James. “It’s really cold, even with the heaters on”.
“No it isn’t, it’s lovely and warm” said James at once.
“James, don’t be awkward” said Lars, nudging him. “If it’s got in damp, it’ll feel cold”.
“Our room wasn’t cold” said Kelly David-Smith. “But there was, uhh…damp on the walls”.
Walter sighed. “I guess because we don’t have a lot of guests, we’ve kind of let the standards to many of the bedrooms slip”.
“Yeah and that’s bad of business” said Lars. He nodded. “Get the electricity fixed and then have Walter Towers tidied up, new carpets and wallpaper…stuff like that, Then you’ll attract lots of guests”.
“But, Great Granddad…”…
“It could still be in the 1920s style” Jason added. “Just new and clean”.
“Yeah” said Walter hopefully. “I guess that wouldn’t be going against Great Granddad’s wishes”.
“Are you going to suggest it to your Grandparents tomorrow?” Eric asked.
“Yeah, I think I will” said Walter, now sounding much brighter. “It really does sound like a good idea”.
“Of course it does” Lars said. “It’s my idea!”
James looked flattered to be recognised. “Yeah, that’s me” he said. “James Hetfield, who stuffs titanium cactuses garnished with boiled cabbage water that’s still hot up the asses of motherfuckers who dress up in fucking armour and wake him up in the middle of the fucking night!”
“Please, I’m sorry!” the man groaned. “I-I can explain, everything”.
“You had better” growled James. He turned to Jason. “Go and wake the other guys up and tell ‘em to get down here pronto. I reckon everyone needs to hear this”.
Jason sped off and about five minutes later, he returned with a line of sleepy musicians. They trooped into the room, yawning, rubbing sticky eyes and blinking in the bright light. Only Lars looked really chirpy and excited. He sat down on the chest of drawers; legs swinging back and forth as he viewed the newcomer.
“James, who is this guy?” Lars asked.
“We’re about to find out” said James. “OK, phoney fucker, start talking!”
The young man sighed and nodded.
“My name is Walter” he began. “I’m the grandson of the managers and manageress”.
“Walter Walters?” Jason asked.
“No, dumbass, Walter Terrys” James said. “The hotel is Walter Towers, the family name is Terrys”.
“Oops, yeah” said Jason.
“OK” Walter continued. “W-well, there’s a lot of old clothes and armour here and I’ve been dressing up in them for years now, pretending to be various ghosts. My Dad, uh, did the same thing before me too. Dad and I kept our identities secret so that if anybody went to Granddad and Grandma’s house, they’d find them right there and really think they had seen genuine ghosts”.
“Ha, it’s like something out of an old Scooby Doo episode” said Eric.
“Yeah” Lars agreed. He looked at Walter sternly. “OK, so I’m presuming that Walter Towers isn’t actually haunted at all”.
“It isn’t” said Walter with a sigh. “There’s never been a single ghost here”.
James’ lip twitched.
“Why do it though?” Kirk asked. “What was the point, really?”
“To try and make our hotel popular” explained Walter. “Since Great Granddad refused to let Granddad and Grandma modernise the place, nobody ever wanted to stay. My Dad told me that Granddad and Grandma did everything they could to attract guests: offer free meals or free drinks, promote the fresh air of the countryside location, advertise Walter Towers as a historical curiosity. Nothing worked, nothing at all. Dad said we were running on a huge loss and would either go bankrupt within a couple of years or be forced to sell the hotel”.
James still looked impatient but Jason was starting to feel a little pang of sympathy for the scared Walter.
“So Granddad and Grandma thought up a clever gimmick” Walter continued. “They would spread rumours that Walter Towers was haunted and offer a big reward to anybody who was brave enough to stay the night”.
“And people believed that?” Lars asked sceptically.
“Well, we had to work on it” said Walter. “A few family members or friends pretending to stay and then running scared. News travelled fast and Dad and Mom began to plan their tricks. The old costumes are very convincing and to make them look better, they used accessories, such as flour or luminous paint”.
James snorted and Lars shook his head. “I can’t believe that so many people were taken in my something so dumb for so many years” he said.
“It was very convincing” Jason said kindly. “The glowing armour in the dark, I mean”.
“Uh, thank you” said Walter.
“I guess the atmosphere of the place helps too” said Kirk. “It’d be hard to convince anybody that a totally modern place was haunted”.
“Yeah, you don’t exactly expect to see ghosts enjoying computer games and stuff like that” James snickered.
“Computer games are awesome and everybody with taste likes them” said Lars. He slid down of the chest of drawers and faced Walter, hands on his hips.
“Lars, you’d be a lot more intimidating if you were fucking taller” James pointed out”.
“Shush!” said Lars. “Well…” he said to Walter.
Walter sighed. “I’m sorry” he said. “Really! It seemed like such a good idea at the time and we were desperate.
I guess you guys are going to expose us now. I can’t say I blame you. I guess it was good while it lasted”.
******************************
The musicians were all silent; lost in thought as they contemplated what to do.
Kirk chewed his bottom lip.
The Flotsam and Jetsam guys all looked pretty sympathetic.
James eyed up Cliff, who was lurking in the corner. Cliff grinned at him. James rolled his eyes.
Fucker! I know you want me to be the nice guy and let the Terrys off, don’t ya? he thought.
Cliff smiled sweetly.
Finally Kirk spoke.
“I don’t want to expose the Terrys” he said. “I’d feel like an asshole if I did”.
“I agree with Kirk” said Kelly David-Smith.
“Me too” said James.
“Really?” Kirk said surprised.
“Yep. You and Kelly are both assholes!”
“James” said Lars warningly. James assumed an innocent expression.
“I’ve gotta say, I’m going to go with Kirk and Kelly” said Eric. “I just can’t bring myself to expose Walter and his family”.
“Yeah, it just feels too rotten” said Jason.
The other Flotsam and Jetsam guys nodded.
Walter began to look cautiously relieved. Lars sighed.
“I guess we’re gonna let you off then, if everybody else feels the same way” he said.
“Hey, wait a minute!” James piped up. “This guy’s been duping loads of people for years and you guys just wanna forget all about it?”
“Not quite” said Lars. “I have terms!” He looked delighted to be able to say such a thing.
“Lars, since when did you lead either band?” James grumbled but Lars wasn’t listening. He scrambled back up onto the chest of drawers and spoke to Walter in a businesslike tone.
“OK, here is my deal. Everybody else, feel free to chip in if you agree or disagree”.
Eric gave Kirk an amused glance and Kirk raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly.
“First rule. When Lars talks, we all listen”.
“OK, Walter” Lars began. “First of all, this $1000. Do your family actually have that kind of money?”
“Oh yeah, we’ve always put the $1000 aside, just in case somebody really was brave enough to stay the night” Walter said. “We wouldn’t trick anybody out of the reward”.
“Yeah cus dressing up as a fucking phoney ghost wasn’t tricking people, no, not at all” James sneered.
“Hush James” said Lars.
“Uhh…you want the $1000 in return for keeping quiet? Walter asked.
“Nope” said Lars. “You and your family can keep it”.
Walter looked stunned. (Not to mention the musicians).
“K-keep it?” he stammered.
“Yeah, we’re rich, famous rock stars, we don’t need it” said Lars. “Keep it and use it to get the hotel done up properly”.
“But-but Great Granddad always wanted the hotel to stay old fashioned”.
“Yeah but there’s old fashioned and there’s falling to pieces” said Lars.
“I dunno about that, our room is very fancy” said Kirk.
“Yeah but other rooms aren’t” said Lars. He waved his hand round, indicating the room they were in, with its peeling wallpaper, patches of damp on the walls and worn carpet. “This one for a start”.
“And our room” Jason said, glancing at James. “It’s really cold, even with the heaters on”.
“No it isn’t, it’s lovely and warm” said James at once.
“James, don’t be awkward” said Lars, nudging him. “If it’s got in damp, it’ll feel cold”.
“Our room wasn’t cold” said Kelly David-Smith. “But there was, uhh…damp on the walls”.
Walter sighed. “I guess because we don’t have a lot of guests, we’ve kind of let the standards to many of the bedrooms slip”.
“Yeah and that’s bad of business” said Lars. He nodded. “Get the electricity fixed and then have Walter Towers tidied up, new carpets and wallpaper…stuff like that, Then you’ll attract lots of guests”.
“But, Great Granddad…”…
“It could still be in the 1920s style” Jason added. “Just new and clean”.
“Yeah” said Walter hopefully. “I guess that wouldn’t be going against Great Granddad’s wishes”.
“Are you going to suggest it to your Grandparents tomorrow?” Eric asked.
“Yeah, I think I will” said Walter, now sounding much brighter. “It really does sound like a good idea”.
“Of course it does” Lars said. “It’s my idea!”