Sequel: I'm Not Doing Anything Stupid ›
Status: 1/3
Words
Words
I know what you're going to say. I know the exact words that will leave you lips. Your lips, your perfect beautiful lips.
The only lips that ever whispered they loved me. Lips that spoke words of comfort when all I'd ever known were shouts of abuse. When everyone else told me I was worthless those lips made me feel like I mattered. I was important if only for those moments your lips were pressed against mine. I never felt more alive than when your lips were pressed close to mine as I lay in your arms.
Your arms, arms that were always so strong. Arms that never held the scars mine did never have, never will. You never needed those scars you faced your problems head on and came out a better person on the other side and when I was too scared to do the same you'd put an arm around my shoulder and guide me the best you could. When I'd cry in my sleep you'd hold me tighter. When I'd push you away you'd work harder to pull me back. If I flinched when you went to hug me you'd just smile sadly because unlike everyone else in my life you were never going to hit me. After a while I learned that safety wasn't a feeling it was a place and that place was was your arms legs tangled together lying in your bed.
Legs, legs that I never thought would walk away from me but I know that's exactly what they're preparing to do. Lying on the ground of my house, school, sometimes even a random alley your legs were always the first good thing I'd see, running towards me to help. When I saw your legs running to me that's when I knew for sure the beating was over and no one was going to hurt me at least for a while.
I know what you're going to say. I know I've pushed and pushed and now I'm getting what I pretended to want. You were always there for me but at some point you must have gotten tired of taking care of me and I can't blame you for that. I can't blame you because when you'd tell me I was important I'd tell you not to lie. When you'd hold me tighter I'd wiggle out of your grasp. When you'd run to me I never said thank you I said you couldn't save me.
You can't save me. I always told you that and now I have no idea why. What's wrong with me? Why do I work so hard to destroy everything that might be good for me? It's not worth it, losing you so I can continue to destroy myself it's not worth it. There's no reason I should push the only good person out of my life and keep all the terrible people. I know everyone thinks I'm stupid but you don't and maybe I should believe what you think and not what everyone else does. Maybe I could save this, save us, save me.
"Jack, I'm sorry this isn't working out. I can't do this anymore."
I knew what you were going to say and I knew no matter how much I wanted to save us from this I wouldn't. You could never save me and I could never save us. I'm sorry I let you down Alex.
The only lips that ever whispered they loved me. Lips that spoke words of comfort when all I'd ever known were shouts of abuse. When everyone else told me I was worthless those lips made me feel like I mattered. I was important if only for those moments your lips were pressed against mine. I never felt more alive than when your lips were pressed close to mine as I lay in your arms.
Your arms, arms that were always so strong. Arms that never held the scars mine did never have, never will. You never needed those scars you faced your problems head on and came out a better person on the other side and when I was too scared to do the same you'd put an arm around my shoulder and guide me the best you could. When I'd cry in my sleep you'd hold me tighter. When I'd push you away you'd work harder to pull me back. If I flinched when you went to hug me you'd just smile sadly because unlike everyone else in my life you were never going to hit me. After a while I learned that safety wasn't a feeling it was a place and that place was was your arms legs tangled together lying in your bed.
Legs, legs that I never thought would walk away from me but I know that's exactly what they're preparing to do. Lying on the ground of my house, school, sometimes even a random alley your legs were always the first good thing I'd see, running towards me to help. When I saw your legs running to me that's when I knew for sure the beating was over and no one was going to hurt me at least for a while.
I know what you're going to say. I know I've pushed and pushed and now I'm getting what I pretended to want. You were always there for me but at some point you must have gotten tired of taking care of me and I can't blame you for that. I can't blame you because when you'd tell me I was important I'd tell you not to lie. When you'd hold me tighter I'd wiggle out of your grasp. When you'd run to me I never said thank you I said you couldn't save me.
You can't save me. I always told you that and now I have no idea why. What's wrong with me? Why do I work so hard to destroy everything that might be good for me? It's not worth it, losing you so I can continue to destroy myself it's not worth it. There's no reason I should push the only good person out of my life and keep all the terrible people. I know everyone thinks I'm stupid but you don't and maybe I should believe what you think and not what everyone else does. Maybe I could save this, save us, save me.
"Jack, I'm sorry this isn't working out. I can't do this anymore."
I knew what you were going to say and I knew no matter how much I wanted to save us from this I wouldn't. You could never save me and I could never save us. I'm sorry I let you down Alex.