Always & Forever.

I sat in the leaning chair by the window, and was drinking my tea. My shoes were hurting my feet, and I was considering taking them off. I rubbed my stomach, and the rather large bump that has been growing there, over these last six months. I sighed, and looked out the window.

I put my cup on the little table next to me, and thought about my ex-husband. God, I was young back then. I am glad that it isn't his baby I’m carrying.

I once again looked at the bump, and sighed. On the other hand, I wasn’t too happy about the baby’s father either. I haven’t seen him in a week, or so. He disappeared, after work, just last Friday. I think he knows about my depression, that I’m not happy with him.

He's probably staying at some hotel, getting drunk every night. He really loves me though. But I just can't love him. God knows I tried, but the feelings just won't come.

Oh well, I can't say I married of love either, I think, that he was a replacement, for the emptiness I felt, after my ex cheated on me. That caused our divorce.

I think it'll cause my next divorce too. Because we both knew that we couldn't continue this way. Me being pregnant, not loving him. Him loving me, and destroying himself. It just won't work. It's funny, 'cause he actually is the man of my dreams.

Zachary Baker.

Loving, caring, always there for me. Funny, entertaining, handsome, talented, my parents even like him.

It just doesn't fit. Why can't I love him? Why? Honestly, I don't know, and I don't think I ever will. I sighed again, and looked down at the street, full of life. People rushing by, cars driving even faster on the streets of Huntington Beach. The rain falling, and hitting the windows, reminded me of tears.

Is the sky crying for me?

Maybe, I should go out there. If I could walk in these shoes. Oh well, I could just change them. So I went and did so, pulled my coat on, and walked out the door.

As I walked down the street, I couldn't help shed a tear, thinking of my husband, and the baby we were about to have, in just two months! I can't believe it's already so soon.
I felt like just walking on and on, in the rain, forever. But I knew that it would soon stop raining, and the sun would come out of it's blanket of clouds.

I kept on walking, until my clothes were soaked of the rain. I grabbed a cab, because I didn't want to be ill when my husband comes back, if he ever does.

But I think he will, he's way too responsible, to just leave me, pregnant and everything. I think I will try again; see if I can't make my feelings grow. But for now, I'm just going to let him think things through.

If he wants to stay with me and the baby, if he still loves me. He just needs time. He's my soul mate, and he knows that. He won't leave without talking to me about it. He will come back, he must.
I won't be able to make it through this pregnancy without him. These last two months, he stood up with me at sunset every morning, when I got sick. He held my hair, and nuzzled my back, to help me through it. He's so sweet, I need him. But I don't love him.

Why won't everything just fit, just this one time? Everything else in my life has been going on with problems, why can't my first child go on smoothly?

When I got back to my apartment, I took a nice warm bath, in the bathtub. I laid in there for about two hours, I think. Thinking of him, about the baby. I even came up with some names for it, and started thinking of, what the children's room should look like.

When I finished the bath, and got dressed, I started cleaning up the entire apartment.
I've done that a lot lately. It's almost embarrassing so clean this place is. Nothing sits, lays, or stands the wrong way, the floors are almost sparkling, the windows are as clear as the air, and the bathroom is looking as if it has never been used.

It keeps my mind of things, of the things I've been thinking of way to much lately. It really depresses me that he's not around. Maybe I should try and call him, or go to Brian or Matt's house where he goes a lot.

No, no he needs time; he'll come back when he's ready to do so.
The telephone ringing disturbed my thoughts. I answered, and it was my dear friend Michelle asking me to drink coffee with her this afternoon. I turned her down, politely though. I needed to clear my head, once again. It became a mess, surprisingly fast.

I lie down on my bed, and eventually fell asleep. I must have slept throughout the whole afternoon and night, 'cause I woke up at dawn, and felt my stomach being rather bad. I ran to the bathroom, and got sick.

Nobody was there to hold my hair back now, so I needed to take a shower now. I did so, and felt really fresh when I got out. I sat down in the living room, and waited for the clock to be enough so that I wouldn't be too early for my photo shoot today. Some pregnancy-magazine was writing an article about soon-to-be mothers, and eventually they called me.

They were going to take some pictures, of me alone, and with the other women; we were all in different states of our pregnancies. Then, they would be doing a short interview, and I would have the rest of the day off.

Lovely, just as every other day, since my bump started to show. Not I that needed money in any way, I just felt a little lonely, and bored.

And then my depression. Maybe it was some kind of pre-birth depression? Was that possible? I think I need to see my doctor soon enough. I called, and made an appointment.

My back started hurting, or more exact, my pelvis. Soon it felt like a flood of pain was overwhelming me. And as soon as it started, as soon it stopped again. I was quite shocked, and thought if maybe the birth had started.

No, then my water would have broke, and it sure hadn't. Half an hour later, those pains returned, a little more powerful than the first time. I lied down, and considered the thought again.
Maybe the water broke, when I showered, it did at one time feel like I was peeing, but no. It would have been a rather large amount of water, right? Maybe I should call for an ambulance. No, there was no need for that; I would just go grab a cab.

So I went to the hospital, and was inspected by a doctor, and he quickly turned me into a midwife. I was put in the birth clinic and one of these measuring machines that counts your heartbeat was connected to my finger. Some nurse entered the room, and asked if there was anyone she should call for, and before I knew it, I had gasped my husband's name. The pains were returning, more often now, coming stronger and stronger. A doctor saw me, and was checking if everything was alright.
After all, it was two weeks before my due date.

Not long after, a labor pain was clinging my body together, and I felt someone grabbing my hand, and kissing my forehead. I opened my eyes, and saw directly into my Zacky's clear green ones.
He was smiling, and kissed my forehead again. Suddenly, I felt much more relaxed than before and soon I had to start pushing.

I gave birth to a beautiful little boy, and Zacky couldn’t help but cry at the sight of the baby. He looked up at me, with a sight full of love, and I couldn't help saying: "I love you too", and for the first time, I was meaning it.

I felt it in my chest, a warm feeling, I only could identify as love.

Soon, his facial expression changed, and he smiled widely. He turned over, and handed me the boy. I looked down at a perfect, but scary little human being.

I looked up at his father, with tears in my eyes, and he kissed, first me, then our son. Our son, not mine, not his, but our

Zacky sat down besides me on the wide bed and wrapped his arms around us. He buried his face in my hair, sticky with sweat, and took a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry. I love you." He mumbled. I smiled.

"Don't be. I love you too." I just couldn't say it enough, the feeling of the words rolling over my tongue and springing off my lips was incredible. He pulled away and turned my face away from our baby to see him.

"Always and forever."

"Always and forever." I answered him. A storm of emotions went on behind his gorgeous eyes, and it felt like the very first time he kissed me when he bent in and let our lips meet.