Status: Still alive unless I'm dead
Say You'll Never Change
The loneliness will stay with me and hold me till I fall asleep
I woke up this tuesday morning (late evening) and started the day as any other day.
Go though the fridge looking for something to eat, cry when I realise that there isn't any food left and I have to go to the store, brush my teeth and spend 20 minutes in front of the mirror trying to make myself look like I hadn't just been run over by a truck 50 times.
I sat on the bed for almost an hour thinking about every horrible thing that could possibly happen if I decided to leave my apartment today and go to the store.
I sighed and turned my head to look at the clock on my nightstand. 19:25.
Better get going then.
I grabbed a new hoodie from the closet and pulled it onto my arms and over my shoulders, I zipped up the zipper and put the hood over my head, hoping to god people wouldn't look at me today.
Not because I'm shy or anything (well I was but that's not the case) it's just that I basically hated myself. I felt disgusting. Everything about my face felt wrong and ugly. My body felt too chubby and filthy. That's why I usually hide in my apartment all day, I rarely went outside. Maybe twice a month or so it would happen that I would have to go to the store or somewhere else and get stuff done myself.
Otherwise it was my brother, Tom, who would do it for me. He knew about my anxiety and depression and did everything to help me out, hell he even payed my water and rent. I told him that I could'n't let him do that but after I got kicked off of my job he insisted. He said he made enough money with his clothing company anyway and had lots of money just laying around. So yeah I guess he was doing pretty good. Sometimes when he wasn't busy he would spend the night at my apartment and we would play video games and watch movies all night.
Me on the other hand didn't have much.
I had this apartment and Tom but that's kind of it really.
My parents hate me and kicked me out as soon as I turned 18. I'm surprised Tom let my stay at his house as long as he did, not that he kicked me out our anything.
He tried so hard to put my life back together. He got me a job and apartment and I feel so terribly guilty for getting kicked off my job. I regret not trying harder. He's not really mad about that either, that's what I loved about him.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I saw two teenage girls stare at me and making their way to walk on the other side of the sidewalk so they didn't have to cross path with me. Guess I looked kind of creepy wearing all black and covering my face like this. I laughed to myself which only made them walk faster. Fuck.
The grocery store was only 10 minutes away from my apartment so I got there pretty fast.
I took the stuff I needed and payed (with Toms money again) before I quickly headed out in the breezy night and walked with quick steps back to my apartment again.
Go though the fridge looking for something to eat, cry when I realise that there isn't any food left and I have to go to the store, brush my teeth and spend 20 minutes in front of the mirror trying to make myself look like I hadn't just been run over by a truck 50 times.
I sat on the bed for almost an hour thinking about every horrible thing that could possibly happen if I decided to leave my apartment today and go to the store.
I sighed and turned my head to look at the clock on my nightstand. 19:25.
Better get going then.
I grabbed a new hoodie from the closet and pulled it onto my arms and over my shoulders, I zipped up the zipper and put the hood over my head, hoping to god people wouldn't look at me today.
Not because I'm shy or anything (well I was but that's not the case) it's just that I basically hated myself. I felt disgusting. Everything about my face felt wrong and ugly. My body felt too chubby and filthy. That's why I usually hide in my apartment all day, I rarely went outside. Maybe twice a month or so it would happen that I would have to go to the store or somewhere else and get stuff done myself.
Otherwise it was my brother, Tom, who would do it for me. He knew about my anxiety and depression and did everything to help me out, hell he even payed my water and rent. I told him that I could'n't let him do that but after I got kicked off of my job he insisted. He said he made enough money with his clothing company anyway and had lots of money just laying around. So yeah I guess he was doing pretty good. Sometimes when he wasn't busy he would spend the night at my apartment and we would play video games and watch movies all night.
Me on the other hand didn't have much.
I had this apartment and Tom but that's kind of it really.
My parents hate me and kicked me out as soon as I turned 18. I'm surprised Tom let my stay at his house as long as he did, not that he kicked me out our anything.
He tried so hard to put my life back together. He got me a job and apartment and I feel so terribly guilty for getting kicked off my job. I regret not trying harder. He's not really mad about that either, that's what I loved about him.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I saw two teenage girls stare at me and making their way to walk on the other side of the sidewalk so they didn't have to cross path with me. Guess I looked kind of creepy wearing all black and covering my face like this. I laughed to myself which only made them walk faster. Fuck.
The grocery store was only 10 minutes away from my apartment so I got there pretty fast.
I took the stuff I needed and payed (with Toms money again) before I quickly headed out in the breezy night and walked with quick steps back to my apartment again.