Say You'll Never Change

I woke up the next morning with Josh still laying close next to me and breathing into my neck with his arm still around my waist. I was a bit tacken back since I thought that he would be gone when I had woken up. I sat up a little and looked at the time and fuck he was probably going to be in trouble. He looked so peaceful while he slept that I almost didn't want to wake him but I knew that I had to.
"Josh" I whispered and started shaking his shoulder. I started shaking him harder when he didn't move and eventually he opened his eyes and yawned.
He mumbled something that I couldn't hear but it was probably a 'good morning'.
"Josh you overslept" I whispered for some reason even though he was already awake.
As my words hit him he quickly shot up to a sitting position and turned his head to look at the time.
"Shit!" he said and quickly got out of bed. He almost tripped, probably from standing up too fast, but managed to get back his balance before he took his pants and got into them. I got up as well and put my jeans back on.
As Josh brushed his teeth in the bathroom I quickly made him a sandwich for breakfast so he wouldn't go hungry. I felt like a mom.
He got out of the bathroom and I handed it to him as he put his jacket and shoes on.
"I made you breakfast" I said and he smiled and mumbled a thank you.
"I'll call you later" he said and hugged me quickly. I smiled and nodded and the second after he was out of the door that I locked after him.
He might have just been gone for 3 seconds but I already missed him and it made me feel desperate and pathetic.
I didn't see a reason to why I should be awake so I just went back to bed.
-------------------------------------------
Josh called me that night and we talked for a couple of hours, which we also did the next day.
He couldn't come over though since his boss was pissed and let him work overtime almost every day so I spent my days wondering if I was supposed to somehow get a job now since Tom was out of the picture. I'll probably just end up on the street.
Why the fuck did I have to tell him? If I hadn't he would still be in my life and I wouldn't even have to sorry about bills or going to the grocery store.
It wasn't until that Friday when Josh could come over again and this time he brough Oskar with him so he wouldn't feel all too lonely up there alone in Josh's apartment.
We were sitting on my sofa, me with my legs crossed and Oskar laying on top of them. Josh were sitting next to me with his head on my shoulder for some reason and his eyes glued to the screen. We were watching some movie which I didn't quite understand but I didn't want to ruin the mood by saying something so instead my mind driftet away to Tom instead.
Of course I hadn't heard anything more from him and it made me feel like shit and I was more than slightly worried about the fact that the monthly rent probably needed to be paid next week or something. I honestly had no idea of what to do. I couldn't pay and Tom were obviously not going to do it.
I was so lost in thought that I hadn't noticed Josh removing his head from my shoulder to look at me.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked and I turned my head to look at him, our faces a little too close than I expected them to be. I moved my head away a little so he wouldn't be uncomfortable.
"Just Tom" I said and shrugged.
"What about him?" Josh asked.
"He used to pay my rent and he obviously isn't going to anymore" I said "and my monthly rent needs to be paid but I can't get myself together and get a job because I'm useless and probably to no good to-"
"Oliver" he said cutting me off. "Please don't talk down to yourself"
He moved his legs up onto the couch so he could sit with his body facing me.
"You're not useless" he said "You're cute and amazing and funny and those people who doesn't love you are fucking stupid"
That took me off guard. I had no idea why he was saying this since it obviously wasn't true. I was not cute. I was ugly and disgusting. And I'm far from amazing and funny so I had no idea why he would say that. And people who doesn't love me are making the right choice. They don't deserve me messing up their lives 'cause that's all I seem to do.
"People who doesn't love me are making the right choice" I just said and turned my face back to the TV screen.
"Why would you say that?" he asked.
"I just mess everything up. Once I've fucked my friendship with you over you'll just leave. Just like Tom" I hung my head down in shame and carefully stroked Oskar's head.
"I'm not planning on leaving you." he sounded almost pissed now. Great.
"Why?" I just asked, probably making everything even worse.
"Because I love you"
I looked up at him and furrowed my eyebrows in confusion but before I could ask his lip were on mine.