Say You'll Never Change

JOSH'S POV:

I felt so fucking hopeless and worthless. I didn't even try to save us and when he was crying I just left. He deserves someone who treats him right and that is not me. Why would Max do this? How could Max do this? Why would he tell me he liked me as more than a friend and then fuck me over like this? What the fuck was I going to do now?
I was currently walking around in town and I don't know how long I have been doing so. I was a mess. I fucking loved Oliver. I didn't want to lose him. There was nothing I could do to save this but telling the truth. And no matter how ashamed I would feel I needed to do it. For Oliver. He didn't deserve this.
I turned around and began walking home again, slowly trying to figure out the words to use to tell him that I was raped.

When I got through the door of my appartment it was awfully quiet. It was almost scary. Oliver couldn't have gone out. Maybe he was sleeping? Early in the afternoon? He was not on the sofa.
As I was walking towards my bedroom to check if he was there I noticed that the door to the bathroom was open. But that wasn't really what caught my eye. Red. Everything was red. I froze in my head and turned my head to the bathroom. My eyes widened in horror and I felt as if I was going to pass out. Blood. There was blood everywhere. It looked like a scene from a horror movie. Not being able to stand much longer I fell to the floor on my knees. Please don't tell me that this is Olivers blood. Please.
But if it was Oskars blood that would be bad too.
I quickly looked around for the dog and noticed him sleeping on my bed since I had left the door open.
There was lots of blood but no Oliver. Him not being here must be a good thing, right? That would mean he didn't die from blood loss and moved himself. But what if he's bleeding out somewhere else.
Not being able to stare at the amount of blood covering the bathroom floor I shakily got to my feet and looked around the entire appartment for him. He was nowhere to be found. I took my phone out of my pocket and called his number, hoping to god that he would pick up. To my surprise it was ringing from the appartment. The bathroom to exact.
As much as I didn't want to see that again I walked into the bathroom and noticed his phone laying in the blood near the shower. I picked it up and wiped the blood away on my shirt before leaving the bathroom. I locked at the screen and saw my missed call. But also 17 new messages. Maybe that would give me a clue of where he was?
I opened them and to my surprise they were all from Tom.
I scrolled up a couple of messages to where Oliver send something and felt my heart scatter in my chest.

"I know you don't want to hear from me right now but I just wanted to say goodbye.
You probably hate me but you're still my brother and I will always love and care for you.
Take care.
- Oliver"

No. No please. Tears began forming in the corners of my eyes but at this point I didn't care about if I cried. Would he really try to kill himself? Was this my fault? Did I make this happen? I began sobbing and soon had to sit down with my back against the sofa because of how much everything was spinning. This could not be happening.

"No, what are you talking about? Please don't do anything stupid!"

Tom had written.

"I don't hate you, I just needed some time to think. I still care for you"

"I know that just leaving you like that was wrong and I regret doing it but I couldn't help but blame myself for it and I didn't know what to do"

"Oliver, please answer"

"Please don't do something, think about Josh. He'd be upset if you killed yourself"

Too bad Oliver thought that I didn't care.

"Don't do this"

"I'm coming over"

The next ones were also filled with Tom begging Oliver to answer. I was crying really loudly by now. This was all my fault.
I got up Tom's number on the screen and called.
Maybe he got here in time and brought Oliver to a hospital. Maybe he didn't even need to go to a hospital. Maybe he was alright? What if he was dead?
A few tones were heard but there was no answer. I called again, thinking that maybe he just didn't hear it but there was no answer this time eaither. Or after that. Or after that.
I was falling apart. I couldn't deal with the fact that he hurt himself because of me. I shouldn't have left me. Maybe if I would have knocked on the door and asked if he was ok instead of just leaving this would have never happened. I was aware of the fact that his mental state was not the best so why did I just leave him?

-

I kept calling Tom through the whole day but he never answered or he just hung up. Maybe his phone was turned off?
I couldn't sleep that night. I laid awake the whole night and thought about Oli. I couldn't get it out of my head that he could be dead. The boy loved could be dead. All I knew was that I couldn't stop crying. Everything hurt. Everything hurt so fucking much.
I kept tossing and turning while Oskar tried to get comfortable on top of me.
I just wanted to know if he was alright, that's all. I needed to know if he was alive.

I was awake even when the sun started coming up again and a few hours later it was bright daylight outside. I couldn't bring myself to move. I felt too depressed to do so. How did things turn out so shitty? Everything was perfect 3 days ago. I honestly don't think I could've been happier.
I closed my eyes and tried falling asleep but that didn't last long since my phone suddenly started ringing.
I shot up in a sitting position, making Oskar jump off of me in surprise. I picked my phone up from the mattress next to me, yes I had been waiting for a call, and looked at the screen. Tom.
"Hello?" I said right after pressing the answer button. My voice sounded weird so he could probably tell that I had been crying.
"I'm sorry for not picking up, my phone was turned off" he said. He sounded tired.
"Where's Oliver?" I asked, not bothering to reply to what he just said. All I cared about right now was Oliver. I needed to know if he was alright. I needed to know if he was alive.
"He's in the hospital. When I brought him in he had lost a lot of blood and we weren't sure if he was going to make it. He's not awake yet but he's stable" Tom said and I felt a weight lift off of my chest. I breathed out in relief.
"Thank god" I mumbled.
I asked Tom about which hospital Oliver was in and told him that I would be right there.

When I finally came to the hospital and to the room Oliver was in Tom greeted me with a hug. He looked tired and his eyes were bloodshot so I'm guessing that he has cried and didn't get any sleep either.
Tom went back to his chair next to the bed and sat down. I sat down next to him. He took Olivers hand in his and gently stroked it with his thumb. I found the courage to look up at Oliver. He didn't look peaceful at all. He looked dead. His skin color was a shade too close to white and he wasn't moving and inch. The only thing that kept me calm and sure that he was alive was the fact that he was breathing. I didn't know what to say and neither did Tom seem to do so we just sat there in silence. I expected his mom or dad to be here but I guess not. Maybe they were dead? Maybe they just weren't on good terms?
"I was going to call him eventually, you know" Tom said after a while, breaking the silence "I just didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to help him stop cutting so I blamed myself. I was never mad at him, I don't know why I just left like that"
I didn't know what to say. I always thought that Tom was angry at Oliver for cutting himself but I guess not.
"This is all my fault" Tom mumbled. I could see a few lonely tears drip down his face.
"No it's not" I said, trying to comfort him. It really wasn't though.
"It is, I should've helped him"
"He thinks I cheated on him" I blurted out and I could see Tom turn his head to look at him in the corner of my eye. I was too scared to meet his eyes though so I kept looking at Oliver.
"Did you cheat on him?" Tom asked and I couldn't do much more than shake my head.
"Then why would he think that?" Tom then asked and I gulped.
I looked down at my hands and took a deep breath. I couldn't hide it away any longer. Not if it would lead to something like this.
"Uh I was at my friend Max house the other day and he confessed to liking me as more than a friend. I told him that I had a boyfriend and he got mad I guess and he started kissing me. I tried to push him off but that only ended with him punching me until I passed out. He must've left hickeys on my neck that Oliver later saw. I was to ashamed to tell him that I was raped" I mumbled.
It didn't feel better letting all that out. At all. Everything felt more real as I had said it. Tom didn't say anything for a while, he just stared at me.
"That's awful, you should report him" Tom finally said, his voice barely above a whisper and I just shrugged.
"I just really want to forget" I said and Tom nodded.
"Well, I'm here if you want to talk"