Status: Still alive unless I'm dead
Say You'll Never Change
I need a little room to breathe
Tom decided to spend the night at my appartment (well it was actually me asking him and of course he wouldn't say no because I'm his lonely big brother that didn't have anyone else) so we ordered pizza and watched movies and talked until 22:03 because he had to go to bed so he wouldn't be too tired in the morning when he had to go to work.
While Tom was fast asleep in my bed (uh yeah we kind of shared bed but does it matter we're brothers) I logged in on facebook again, finally building up courage to even read that message that Josh guy (here I go again) sent.
I'm a pussy ok.
I expected something bad for some reason but it was just
"Why are people so mean to you..?"
Why did he even bother to ask?
Whatever I could say he would probably use against me.
´Yeah well my parents used to hit me so I would come to school covering every visible piece of my skin with layers of clothes so everyone thought I was a freak but it's alright I had my brother 'cause my parents actually loved him and he felt bad for me and yeah I also cut myself when I'm upset and people know about that´
Uh yeah, couldn't write that could I?
I just typed
"I wish I knew"
and hit the send button.
'cause hating someone for not wanting to show their skin isn't normal...right?
I just sat there for almost an hour, drowning in the memories of my teenage year. Sometimes I wish I could just get hit by a bus or something and just forget about everything. Everything would be so much easier that way.
But then again I would have to relive everything 'cause I would probably want to remember my past and that would be awfully painfull and just not a good idéa.
I didn't realise I was zooning out again and just creepingly staring in front of me until I heard my computer blipp a little too loud.
I quickly turned the volym off and looked over at Tom to check that he still was asleep, which he was.
"Well, they're dickheads. I don't think you deserve it"
What.
Who was this?
How can he say I didn't deserve it when he doesn't even know me?
"I feel like I do"
I typed and hit send but immidietly regrettet it just as it was delivered. Why the fuck would I write that? What am I doing showing off my emotions to a complete stranger?
This was probably something Kaitlyn or someone else had set up to make everything even worse.
They would get me to open up and once they had something that was good enough they would break everything and release all my secrets to the world.
But would someone even be interested enough in me to do that? I doubt that.
"No one deserves people being harsh against them and not knowing why, Oliver"
Oliver
"How do you know my name"
I knew it.
"Uh. I just guessed that the name you use here is your real name"
Fuck.
Why am I so stupid.
I wanted to just break the glass and jump out the window in that moment but yeah that would hurt a little too much so it just wasn't a good idéa.
"Oh god. Now I feel stupid"
Still mentally slapping myself.
"Haha, don't worry. At least you're not the one forgetting every morning that you have a glass door to the kitchen and walks right into it"
The conversation went on like that.
It honesly felt good talking to someone. Well, outside of my brother.
It felt good actually socialising and that was someone I never thought I'd feel again.
The hours went by and we got to know each other.
His name is Josh and he lives alone in London (just like me) with his dog named Oskar. He plays guitar and sings a little and clean the dishes at a resturang for a living. We also have the same music taste and I let him go on and on about all of his concert experiences. He asked me if I had ever been to a concert and I said no and he said that he wouldn't mind taking me to one sometime.
We sadly had to end our conversation around 1am when Josh said that he had to go to bed 'cause he had to work tomorrow.
I felt bad for keeping him up this late, if this even was a real person that I were talking to.
I turned off the laptop, went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth before crawling under the covers next to my brother.
This night for the first time in a very long time I went to bed with a hint of a smile on my face.
While Tom was fast asleep in my bed (uh yeah we kind of shared bed but does it matter we're brothers) I logged in on facebook again, finally building up courage to even read that message that Josh guy (here I go again) sent.
I'm a pussy ok.
I expected something bad for some reason but it was just
"Why are people so mean to you..?"
Why did he even bother to ask?
Whatever I could say he would probably use against me.
´Yeah well my parents used to hit me so I would come to school covering every visible piece of my skin with layers of clothes so everyone thought I was a freak but it's alright I had my brother 'cause my parents actually loved him and he felt bad for me and yeah I also cut myself when I'm upset and people know about that´
Uh yeah, couldn't write that could I?
I just typed
"I wish I knew"
and hit the send button.
'cause hating someone for not wanting to show their skin isn't normal...right?
I just sat there for almost an hour, drowning in the memories of my teenage year. Sometimes I wish I could just get hit by a bus or something and just forget about everything. Everything would be so much easier that way.
But then again I would have to relive everything 'cause I would probably want to remember my past and that would be awfully painfull and just not a good idéa.
I didn't realise I was zooning out again and just creepingly staring in front of me until I heard my computer blipp a little too loud.
I quickly turned the volym off and looked over at Tom to check that he still was asleep, which he was.
"Well, they're dickheads. I don't think you deserve it"
What.
Who was this?
How can he say I didn't deserve it when he doesn't even know me?
"I feel like I do"
I typed and hit send but immidietly regrettet it just as it was delivered. Why the fuck would I write that? What am I doing showing off my emotions to a complete stranger?
This was probably something Kaitlyn or someone else had set up to make everything even worse.
They would get me to open up and once they had something that was good enough they would break everything and release all my secrets to the world.
But would someone even be interested enough in me to do that? I doubt that.
"No one deserves people being harsh against them and not knowing why, Oliver"
Oliver
"How do you know my name"
I knew it.
"Uh. I just guessed that the name you use here is your real name"
Fuck.
Why am I so stupid.
I wanted to just break the glass and jump out the window in that moment but yeah that would hurt a little too much so it just wasn't a good idéa.
"Oh god. Now I feel stupid"
Still mentally slapping myself.
"Haha, don't worry. At least you're not the one forgetting every morning that you have a glass door to the kitchen and walks right into it"
The conversation went on like that.
It honesly felt good talking to someone. Well, outside of my brother.
It felt good actually socialising and that was someone I never thought I'd feel again.
The hours went by and we got to know each other.
His name is Josh and he lives alone in London (just like me) with his dog named Oskar. He plays guitar and sings a little and clean the dishes at a resturang for a living. We also have the same music taste and I let him go on and on about all of his concert experiences. He asked me if I had ever been to a concert and I said no and he said that he wouldn't mind taking me to one sometime.
We sadly had to end our conversation around 1am when Josh said that he had to go to bed 'cause he had to work tomorrow.
I felt bad for keeping him up this late, if this even was a real person that I were talking to.
I turned off the laptop, went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth before crawling under the covers next to my brother.
This night for the first time in a very long time I went to bed with a hint of a smile on my face.