Say You'll Never Change

"You can't keep doing this Oliver! For fucks sake you're almost an adult now!"
Here I was again, half collapsed to the floor and just taking in my mother's yelling. I groaned and braced myself against the walls, trying to stop everything from spinning. I was drunk.
"Fucking listen to me when I talk to you!"
I was listening. What did she even expect me to say? `I'm sorry for being a dissapointment mom I know I'm useless but I really didn't mean to`?
Instead of saying anything I just walked past her and headed for my room which just ended with me falling to the floor with a loud thump.
"Why can't you be more like your brother?"
I have to admit, that hurt a little but I should be used to it by now. It is what she have told me through my whole life. Ever since Tom was born she had treated me like shit and reminded me every day about how useless and disgusting I was. I don't even know what I did wrong but I guess she replaced me with my little brother. I was a mistake after all, she didn't plan to have me. I have wondered to myself way too many times why she didn't just abort me.
I laid there trying not to pass out by the huge amount of alcohol that was running through my blood. My mom kept yelling at me but I could barely make out what she was saying anymore.
"Fuck off" I mumbled and lifted my body up into a sitting position.
Before I was able to get on my feeth my father rushed into the room and yanked me up by my arm roughtly causing me to cry out in pain.
"Don't talk to your mother like that!" He yelled, his grip on my arms awfully tight. I tried to break free from his grip by pushing against him and digging my nails into his hand but it was to no good since he was a lot stronger than me and I was also drunk.
I don't know why but something in me thought that if I spat on his face he would have to let go of me to wipe it away. I did but that only ended with him punching me hard in the face so I blacked out.

I opened my eyes quickly, breathing heavily. My eyes quickly scanned the room and I let out a breath in relief when I realised that I wasn't home anymore. The memories of last night slowly came back into my mind and I looked at the pillow next to me. Empty.
"Tom?" I croaked out, my voice sounding weirder than usual for some reason.
After a couple of seconds I heard footsteps towards my room and I sat up just before Tom stuck his head through the open door.
"Yeah?" he said a hint of worry lingering in his eyes.
"Nothing. Just wanted to make sure you were still here" I mumbled and got out of bed.
He nodded and turned to walk away again, letting me get ready alone.
"I'm making us breakfast" He said as he came to what must have been the kitchen.
I took a shower and changed into some new clothes before walking into the kitchen and sitting down by the table in front of my brother.

We ate breakfast and I walked with him to the door as he had to leave for work. I made sure he also got his earphones. He hugged me quickly and told me to take care of myself and that we'd talk later. I didn't say much just smiled politely and nodded.
My appartment was awfully quiet when he was gone. It felt so empty and lonely again. It's always like that just after he leaves and it gave me anxiety. I could feel the aching in my chest slowly return again as the loneliness and memories from my dream haunted me and I was craving someone's hold or my blades.
For some reason I always get so sad every time my brother leaves. I almost want to ask him to never come here again but I couldn't because I needed him. He was all I had.
I sat on the sofa for a while staring at the TV screen even though it wasn't even on. Eventually I had enough of this feeling building up inside of me and I made my way to the bathroom and closed the door. Normally when I lived at home with my parents I would always lock it but now there was no point in doing so anymore since there was always just me here.
I lifted the candle that Tom had ironically put there and took my blade. Yes that may be the worst hiding place ever but Tom hadn't even suspected it yet. He knew I cut myself and he had forced me to give him my blade and I did. I bet he thought that one was the only one.
I always made sure he wouldn't see my arms and when he would ask me about it I would just say that I was ashamed of my scars but really, I didn't want him to know that there was fresh ones. I didn't need him to have more to worry about. He was busy enough with his clothing company.
I rolled up my sleeve and pressed the cold metal against my skin, biting my tongue as I dug it down and across. Red blood began dripping down my arm and onto the white sink. I breathed out a shaky breath as I continued to torture myself.

2 hours before midnight I decided to check if Josh had written anything to me.
He had. And he had also sent me a friend request.
I hesitated for a couple of seconds before clicking the Accept button. Not that I had anything weird on my facebook page. I was rarely even online here (well expect for these few days when I was waiting for Josh to write to me).

"Hey, can I get your number?"

He had written and I immidietly felt a wave of anxiety wash over me. Why would he want my number? What was he planning on doing with it? Was he planning on calling me? Or texting me rude stuff until I had to change to a new number?
I shouldn't be giving my phone number to stranger, I didn't even know if this was a real person. Why the fuck would anyone want to talk to me?

"Why?"

I typed and hit send.

I went in on his profile and looked at his information and such. Yes I was now mildly stalking him. Not to creepy... right?
His name was Josh Franceschi, 18 years old, he was single, had a sister and he appariently had over 200 friends. A fake profile couldn't have this many friends right? Unless they were all in on it.
I looked through some of his status updates, s´which were some actually pretty funny.
I looked through his picture and was again doubting that this was a real profile. Someone that good looking would never want to talk to me, I'm disgusting.

I sighed before turning the computer off and going to bed.

For the next three days I didn't do anything.
I only ate one meal a day and just sat on the couch not doing much. Sometimes I picked up my notebook and wrote a couple of poems but that was about it.
Tom called and we talked for a while but other than that I had no contact with someone else.

On saturday I logged online again and to my luck Josh also was.

"I wanna be able to talk to you without having to wait for so long for a reply"

He had written this tuesday 2 hours after I logged out.
and then

"Oliver?"

Why?
Why would he wanna talk to me?
I sighed and typed

"I'm sorry for not replying, I've been very busy"

Uh yeah right, busy doing nothing.

"My number is 018229832"

[A/N: I'M SORRY IF THAT IS SOMEONE'S NUMBER???]

For a second I wanted to take it back but it was too late as it was already recieved.
I saw that he read it but then he just logged out.
What was that supposed to mean?
I sighed and turned off my computer before laying down on the bed and just staring at the ceiling.
Great, had I upset him?
I barely even knew him why did I even care?
Please don't tell me I was falling for him or something.