Say You'll Never Change

I woke up suprisingly early the next morning, by breakfast time. I tried to check my phone to see if I had any new texts from Tom or somoene but of course it was dead. I put the charger in before trying to go back asleep again, not really seeing the point in waking up and do nothing but no matter how much I tried I couldn't force myself to fall back into my peaceful slumber again.
I turned on the phone again and noticed a new text. I immidietly guessed that it was Tom and was taken aback when I didn't recognize the number.
Well, 2 new messages to be exact...

"Hi, make sure to add my number to your phonebook

- Josh"

So that's why he had logged out.

"Uh well ok, goodnight x

- Josh"

Now I felt like a dick. My phone battery must've died yesterday and that's why I never heard his texts. If he wasn't already mad at me for some reason he could be now, I mean he probably feels like I was dissing him or something. If that makes sense.

"I'm so sorry for not replying, my phone battery was dead so I didn't know you had texted me :(

- Oli"

Wow, that sounded patethic. Just like everything else I said.
I tiredly sat up and immidietly regrettet it as I was once again consumed with the loneliness of my empty apartment.
I sighed and got out of bed, deciding that if I was going to do nothing I could at least do nothing fully awake. If that made sense.

I headed into the bathroom and got out of my clothes, avoiding to look at myself in the mirror. I turned on the shower and let the water smatter against the bathtub for a while before stepping in when the temperature wasn't as cold.
I quickly showered, wanting to cover myself with layers of clothes as soon as possible.

When I had put on clothes and started drying my hair with a towel I heard my phone buzzing in the distance. I quickly threw the towel to the floor and ran over to the right side of the bed where I had put it. Yes, I may or may not have been waiting for Josh to text me back and that might not be a good thing 'cause if he doesn't turn out to be who he says he is my life may be ruined. Again.

"It's ok, love. Happens to me all the time"

Love.
He called me love.
Maybe he just did it by accident...?
As much as I wanted to believe he was actually interested in talking to me and liked me for who I was I just couldn't but that didn't change the fact that I spent the rest of the day texting with him.
A part of me couldn't believe that he actually put down this much time to talk with me. I was nothing special.
For a moment I thought that the loneliness had actually really started to get to me and I was just imagining this all and Tom soon would have to put me in a hospital or something but shook that thought out of my head when I started to imagine Tom's face when he found me on the floor in a pool of my own blood talking to some "Josh" guy who didn't even exist.

I went to bed that night still texting Josh and scared about how attached I was starting to get to him. I really did want a friend but at the same time I felt like I couldn't let anyone close enough to hurt me.
The one I was closest to was Tom but I've spent my whole life with him so I'm pretty sure he wouldn't intentionally hurt me. And on top of that he knows everything. He knows about my past of self harm, drinking and suicide attempts. He even was the one who saved my life once when I tried to hang myself in the bathroom. I remembered that he cried and I cried and he kept stroking my hair and telling me that it was going to be okay. I hadn't said anything, not believing him.
He had made me promise him that I would talk to him whenever I felt like I wanted to kill myself and I did once or twice but I broke that promise in May last year when I tried to cut until I died. That's how he found out about my cutting.

The days went by and Josh and I kept in contact by texting each other. Sometimes he was hinting that we should meet up but just thinking about it made the anxiety creep in so I just played stupid and pretended that I didn't know what he actually meant.
I hadn't heard from my brother in a while but it was only on Thursday the next week that I started to get worried when I tried calling him and it just went straight to voice mail. After the seventh time I gave up and stopped calling only to try again a few hours later. What the hell was he even doing? Maybe he was in a meeting or something?
I looked at the time and quickly decided that that couldn't be the case since it was 8 in the evening.
Then I got the call.
I felt fear running down my spine when I looked at the screen to see my mom's number. At first I didn't want to answer but then there must be a reason to why she was calling. Maybe Tom was at their house and his phone wasn't working so he borrowed mom's?
I answered before the caller gave up and hung up and croaked out a tiny "Tom?"
Not talking in a week could sometimes make my voice sound weird.
"No. This is Carol"
Nice. She didn't even call herself my mother.
"I just wanted to let you know that Tom is in the hospital and they're not sure that he's gonna make it"