Status: Still alive unless I'm dead
Say You'll Never Change
I can't do this on my own
My heart and stomach dropped and I felt like the weight of the world had just falling on top of me. Maybe I had just imagined what I was hearing? Maybe I was actually going crazy?
"What?" I whispered, only loud enough for the speaker to pick up.
But there was no reply, she had hung up.
I could feel the floor around my feet starting to spin around and I fell down onto my knees on flour with a thump.
I just sat there trying to breathe for a couple of minutes before just not giving a shit and crying loudly into the carpet, which of course had to smell Tom.
Everything here smelled Tom because they smelled of Tom's appartment. They were his furniture. Everything was Tom's.
I wanted so badly to just rush out of the appartment and collaps on the cold hard ground outside instead but couldn't force myself to move. My vision were becoming blurry because of the tears. This couldn't be happening. Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke.
I shakily picked up my phone again and dialled Tom's number, still sobbing loudly. Please pick up. Please pick up.
"Hello?" someone said
"TOM?" I cried out maybe a little bit too loudly.
The only sound that was heard for a couple of seconds was my sobbing before the person on the other end said
"No, this is Josh. Is everything ok Oliver?"
Wait
what.
I quickly took the phone from my eyes before wiping my eyes with the back of my left hand to look at the screen. Fuck. I had called Josh.
Yes of course I had added him to my phonebook and he was the first number in the list because "J" came before "T". I was so used to always just having Toms number so I didn't ever have to worry about accidently calling the wrong person.
Fuck, I had just called Josh. He knows what I sound like. He knows what I sound like crying.
As much as I wanted to get myself together it made me cry even harder.
"Oliver?" a worried voice called out through the speaker.
I couldn't think straight.
I threw my phone into the wall, watching it scatter into pieces just like me.
This couldn't be happening. This could not be happening.
I don't recall falling asleep but I woke up on the same carped I had cried on with my back and head hurting but the worste pain were in my chest. My heart was literally pounding and aching in there and I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted everything to stop. I looked over at my phone that was now in 3 pieces and just laid there. I wanted Tom to be here. I wanted him to be alright. I could feel the tears starting to spill slowly down my cheeks again but I didn't care to wipe them away.
I didn't even know what had happened to him but it seemed serious.
They didn't know if he was going to make it.
I decided to put my phone back together and when I started it up (it was actually still working) I hoped and wished for a text from Tom saying that he was alright but the texts I had gotten were from Josh and he had also called me four times.
"Oliver, what wrong?"
"What happened?"
"Please answer??"
"Oliver?"
"I'm really worried, are you okay?"
"Are you dead??"
"Please?!?!?!"
The next three text were similar. Why did he even care about my well being, he hadn't even met me in real life?
"I'm alive."
I sent.
I didn't expect him to reply right away because of how late it was but he did.
"Thank god. What's going on?"
Why did he care?
I was getting tired of asking myself this question but I really couldn't help it. Now I at least know it wasn't Kaitlyn or any of her friends since I've heard this voice but I still couldn't fully believe that he wasn't out to hurt me. I didn't believe anyone that wanted to get to know me had good intentions. Those few friends I've had in the past had just turned against me because I was feeling like shit because of what went down at home. They didn't know I was getting beaten but they knew something was up and instead of helping me they just made me feel worse.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I head the phone starting to ring. Josh was calling me.
I couldn't answer, could I? I couldn't let him hear my voice. I couldn't let him get that close. I couldn't talk to anyone. I would just get shy and they would think I'm weird. I couldn't talk to him he would hate me.
I don't know what it was but no matter what I thought my body didn't listen and I found myself pressing the accept button.
I needed someone right now. I needed to hear someone's voice. I needed someone to talk to.
"Oliver?" he said and I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had no idéa of what to say. I don't even know why I answered in the first place, I should've just hung up and continued to cry on the floor.
"Are you okay?" he then asked, waiting patiently for my answer.
"No" I said, my voice breaking slightly. I swallowed hard and felt a little embarrassed.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice sounding softer than before, if that was possible.
What's wrong? My brother was dying. My mother can't even call herself my mom. I'm in this fucking empty appartment while my brother is in a hospital somewhere fighting for his life and I don't even know what's going on. I'm fucking useless. I couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment and Tom was going to die. Tom was going to die. I couldn't fucking lose him. Not now. Not ever. I'm supposed to die before him, I'm his big brother.
"My brother is dying" I said, feeling another wave of tears falling down.
"I'm so sorry" he said, actually sounding like he was sorry and slightly taken back. "Is there anything I could do for you? Do you need anything?"
"I need my brother" I said and broke down all over again, sobbing into the phone.
My heart was again aching and pounding against my chest and I just wanted to take a knife and scrape it out.
"Oliver please, you're breaking my heart" he said "Is there any change we could meet up somewhere? I really think you could use a friend right now"
He finally said it. He wanted us to meet. As much as I wanted to I couldn't let that happen. He would be disgusted. He would never want to talk to me again and that is not what I needed right now.
Wait what
Did he consider us friends?
"I don't think I can, I'm sorry" I sobbed out, trying to get my voice back to normal by taking deeper breaths.
"It's ok, I understand"
We kept talking for hours and I felt guilty for the phone bill Josh was now going to get. Everytime that I said that it would get too expensive (my phone bill being free and all since we payed a specific amount of money for the phone every month) for him he just said that he didn't care and he wanted to be there for me. He kept trying to cheer me up saying that there's a change my brother might survive whatever had happened.
I kept going on and on about how much my brother meant to me and how much I couldn't lose him and he just listened and kept telling me that it was okay everything I stopped talking to cry.
He ended up telling me about his sister, Elissa, and how he would be torn if everything would happen to me.
I didn't really it was morning and that we had actually talked all night until he awkwardly said
"I don't wanna be a dickhead but I need to be at work in 20 minutes..."
I turned my head and looked at the clock next to my bed and raised my eyebrows in surprise.
"No, it's ok" I said.
"I'll talk to you later ok?" he said "I'm here for you Oliver, it's going to be ok"
Those were the words I needed to hear. Even thought the situation with a brother I smiled slightly.
"Thank you, bye" before we both hung up.
I may or may not have grown a little bit too attached to him.
"What?" I whispered, only loud enough for the speaker to pick up.
But there was no reply, she had hung up.
I could feel the floor around my feet starting to spin around and I fell down onto my knees on flour with a thump.
I just sat there trying to breathe for a couple of minutes before just not giving a shit and crying loudly into the carpet, which of course had to smell Tom.
Everything here smelled Tom because they smelled of Tom's appartment. They were his furniture. Everything was Tom's.
I wanted so badly to just rush out of the appartment and collaps on the cold hard ground outside instead but couldn't force myself to move. My vision were becoming blurry because of the tears. This couldn't be happening. Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke.
I shakily picked up my phone again and dialled Tom's number, still sobbing loudly. Please pick up. Please pick up.
"Hello?" someone said
"TOM?" I cried out maybe a little bit too loudly.
The only sound that was heard for a couple of seconds was my sobbing before the person on the other end said
"No, this is Josh. Is everything ok Oliver?"
Wait
what.
I quickly took the phone from my eyes before wiping my eyes with the back of my left hand to look at the screen. Fuck. I had called Josh.
Yes of course I had added him to my phonebook and he was the first number in the list because "J" came before "T". I was so used to always just having Toms number so I didn't ever have to worry about accidently calling the wrong person.
Fuck, I had just called Josh. He knows what I sound like. He knows what I sound like crying.
As much as I wanted to get myself together it made me cry even harder.
"Oliver?" a worried voice called out through the speaker.
I couldn't think straight.
I threw my phone into the wall, watching it scatter into pieces just like me.
This couldn't be happening. This could not be happening.
I don't recall falling asleep but I woke up on the same carped I had cried on with my back and head hurting but the worste pain were in my chest. My heart was literally pounding and aching in there and I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted everything to stop. I looked over at my phone that was now in 3 pieces and just laid there. I wanted Tom to be here. I wanted him to be alright. I could feel the tears starting to spill slowly down my cheeks again but I didn't care to wipe them away.
I didn't even know what had happened to him but it seemed serious.
They didn't know if he was going to make it.
I decided to put my phone back together and when I started it up (it was actually still working) I hoped and wished for a text from Tom saying that he was alright but the texts I had gotten were from Josh and he had also called me four times.
"Oliver, what wrong?"
"What happened?"
"Please answer??"
"Oliver?"
"I'm really worried, are you okay?"
"Are you dead??"
"Please?!?!?!"
The next three text were similar. Why did he even care about my well being, he hadn't even met me in real life?
"I'm alive."
I sent.
I didn't expect him to reply right away because of how late it was but he did.
"Thank god. What's going on?"
Why did he care?
I was getting tired of asking myself this question but I really couldn't help it. Now I at least know it wasn't Kaitlyn or any of her friends since I've heard this voice but I still couldn't fully believe that he wasn't out to hurt me. I didn't believe anyone that wanted to get to know me had good intentions. Those few friends I've had in the past had just turned against me because I was feeling like shit because of what went down at home. They didn't know I was getting beaten but they knew something was up and instead of helping me they just made me feel worse.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I head the phone starting to ring. Josh was calling me.
I couldn't answer, could I? I couldn't let him hear my voice. I couldn't let him get that close. I couldn't talk to anyone. I would just get shy and they would think I'm weird. I couldn't talk to him he would hate me.
I don't know what it was but no matter what I thought my body didn't listen and I found myself pressing the accept button.
I needed someone right now. I needed to hear someone's voice. I needed someone to talk to.
"Oliver?" he said and I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had no idéa of what to say. I don't even know why I answered in the first place, I should've just hung up and continued to cry on the floor.
"Are you okay?" he then asked, waiting patiently for my answer.
"No" I said, my voice breaking slightly. I swallowed hard and felt a little embarrassed.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice sounding softer than before, if that was possible.
What's wrong? My brother was dying. My mother can't even call herself my mom. I'm in this fucking empty appartment while my brother is in a hospital somewhere fighting for his life and I don't even know what's going on. I'm fucking useless. I couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment and Tom was going to die. Tom was going to die. I couldn't fucking lose him. Not now. Not ever. I'm supposed to die before him, I'm his big brother.
"My brother is dying" I said, feeling another wave of tears falling down.
"I'm so sorry" he said, actually sounding like he was sorry and slightly taken back. "Is there anything I could do for you? Do you need anything?"
"I need my brother" I said and broke down all over again, sobbing into the phone.
My heart was again aching and pounding against my chest and I just wanted to take a knife and scrape it out.
"Oliver please, you're breaking my heart" he said "Is there any change we could meet up somewhere? I really think you could use a friend right now"
He finally said it. He wanted us to meet. As much as I wanted to I couldn't let that happen. He would be disgusted. He would never want to talk to me again and that is not what I needed right now.
Wait what
Did he consider us friends?
"I don't think I can, I'm sorry" I sobbed out, trying to get my voice back to normal by taking deeper breaths.
"It's ok, I understand"
We kept talking for hours and I felt guilty for the phone bill Josh was now going to get. Everytime that I said that it would get too expensive (my phone bill being free and all since we payed a specific amount of money for the phone every month) for him he just said that he didn't care and he wanted to be there for me. He kept trying to cheer me up saying that there's a change my brother might survive whatever had happened.
I kept going on and on about how much my brother meant to me and how much I couldn't lose him and he just listened and kept telling me that it was okay everything I stopped talking to cry.
He ended up telling me about his sister, Elissa, and how he would be torn if everything would happen to me.
I didn't really it was morning and that we had actually talked all night until he awkwardly said
"I don't wanna be a dickhead but I need to be at work in 20 minutes..."
I turned my head and looked at the clock next to my bed and raised my eyebrows in surprise.
"No, it's ok" I said.
"I'll talk to you later ok?" he said "I'm here for you Oliver, it's going to be ok"
Those were the words I needed to hear. Even thought the situation with a brother I smiled slightly.
"Thank you, bye" before we both hung up.
I may or may not have grown a little bit too attached to him.