Say You'll Never Change

I never went to bed that night/morning. Instead I waited till it wasn't as early and called my mom and asked what hospital and room Tom was in. I needed to see him but the thought of going outside while it still was daytime was terrifying. Imagine all the people that goes outside while the sun still shines. I didn't want anyone to see me.
After I had showered, gotten dressed and brushed my teeth I lifted the candle again and took my blade.
Josh might have made everything a little bit better by talking to me the whole night but that didn't change the fact that everything was shit and I felt like shit. I hated myself. I needed to get to the hospital but I couldn't go outside. I was so fucking selfish. If Tom didn't already dislike me he must hate me now.
I rolled my sleeve up, looking at the scars and cuts covering my arm before dugging the blade into my skin, punishing myself all over again.

After a couple of hours I had finally built up the courage to at least try and get to the hospital. Tom needed me for gods sake.
I zipped up the zipper, pulled the hood over my head and put on my shoes like I always did before I planned on going outside. I took my keys before taking a deep breath, opening the door and stepping outside. I closed and locked the door behind me before making my way down the stairs (I was living on the 3rd floor), my steps slow and unsure.
When I almost had gotten all the way down to the head entrance I heard voices. Kids and someone that could probably be their mom. Please just walk into some apartment so I could go outside without being seen.
I froze when I heard them starting to walk up the stairs. I can't do this.
I turned around and ran up the strairs again, stumbling and almost falling. I made my way to my door and locked it up again before opening it and threw myself in. I collapsed on the floor and started crying again. I was to no good, I couldn't even get to the fucking hospital. My brother needed me what the fuck was I doing?

I spent the day pacing back and forth in front of the now locked door before just sitting down with my back against it and closing my eyes. I sat there for a while and just breathed until I heard my phone buzz. Must be Josh.
I took it out of my pocket and looked at the screen. It was Josh.

"Just got off of work. How are you?"

How I was? I felt like shit.

"I'm fine. I tried to visit him at the hospital today"

I wrote and only a few seconds later he replyed.

"Tried?"

Embarrassing. He would think I was stupid and selfish if I told him. He wouldn't understand.

"I got out of the door but not really any further than that since I ran back inside as soon as I heard other people"

Now he wouldn't wanna talk to me. Why would I write that? He would just leave me and get himself friends that aren't mentally unstabel and antisocial. He would find someone that's the opposite of me.

"You can always try again tomorrow"

He had written.
But what if I couldn't? What if the same thing would happen tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that?
What if I never even made it outside? What if Tom died before I could get there? What if he died today and it would be too late tomorrow?

"I can go with you if you want to"

He then wrote.
No. He couldn't do that. We couldn't meet. I couldn't let me meet me.

"I'm sorry, I don't think that would be a good idéa"
I quickly wrote back and hit send.

"It's ok, but if you change your mind you can just text me"

He wrote back after a while.

I so badly wanted to meet him and talk to him face to face but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"I probably won't but thank you anyway"

Now I felt like I sounded rude. Great.
If he thought that too he chose to ignore it 'cause we ended up talking for a couple of hours again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning when I woke up I had a new text from Josh.
"I'm sure your brother would be happy if you showed up. You can do this Oliver"

I swallowed down the lump forming in my throath before getting out of bed and getting ready. I could do this. I needed to do this.
I put on some new clothes before putting on my shoes, taking the key and walking out of my door, just like yesterday.
I walked down the stairs and made it out the head entrance, thanking god that no one was coming up the stairs like yesterday.
I ducked my head down and stared at the pavement as I walked to the hospital. The sun was shining worm against my black clothes, a little too worm for my liking.

It took me about half an hour until I finally had gotten to the hospital and 10 more minutes to find his room.
I knocked twice before slowly opening the door and walking in.
The first thing I saw was Tom, lying in bed and looking weak. He was all bruised up, had a broken leg and some white thing around his neck I'm not sure what it's called but it looked uncomfortable. All typed of stuff were plugged into him and he looked like he had been to hell and back. His eyes widened when he saw me walking in.
"Oli?" he croaked out and I nodded an hello. I didn't really talk much and now I just really didn't know what would be the right thing to say or ask.
My mom was sitting on a chair next to the bed, not even looking at me or even turning her head as I walked in.
"What happened to you?" I asked Tom quietly as I awkwardly sat down on the empty chair next to my mother, who was still ignoring me.
"I got hit by a truck by being drunk and stupid" he said weakly "but I'm fine, really"
"You don't look fine" I said followed up by a long silence.
"He was almost dead when they brough him in, they didn't know if he was going to survive" My mom finally spoke up "It was a miracle he survived and is now recovering but he could've died Oliver, why weren't you here earlier?"
She was now turned towards me, her voice loud and harsch.
"He has done so much for you and you didn't even come to the fucking hospital when he was dying!" she yelled at me.
I hung my head in shame, feeling very very guilty. So I wasn't the only one hating me for the fact that I didn't show up earlier. I bet even Tom hated me.
"Mom please" he said. "It's not his fault"
"It's not his fault? He had the choice to come down here and be for you but he didn't!" she said "You need to stop being around him, he doesn't even respect you"
I could feel her glare at me at me as she stood up and walked out, shutting the door behind her.
I just wanted to cry but I held it in and just continued to stare at the floor with my head hung low.
She was right. I was so selfish. I wasn't here for him.
"I'm sorry" I said "I tried to get here yesterday but I never even made it out the main entrance"
I was embarrassed and ashamed. Ashamed of myself.
"It's ok Oli" he said "I'm glad you're here now"
"I'm proud of you" he then said after a while and I looked up to see him smiling weakly at me.
I smiled back quickly before hanging my head down again.
"How long will you have to be here?" I asked, still keeping my voice low.
"They say they don't know yet but I don't think I will be here for over two weeks"
I nodded. I didn't wanna wait that long. I wanted him to be ok. I wanted him to be ok now. I wanted him to stay at my apartment and play video games and watch movies with me. I wanted him to sleep next to me in my bed so the night wouldn't be all too lonely.
"I'm sorry I haven't talked to you, mom wouldn't let me borrow her phone to call you" he said.
Of course she wouldn't, she hated me. She didn't want me to be in contact with Tom.
"It's ok" I quickly said, not wanting him to feel bad for not talking to me "I uh.. I've talked to someone for these past weeks"
Would it be a mistake telling him about Josh?
"Wait what, who?" he said and sounded taken back.
I couldn't blame him though, I hadn't had any friends since I was 9.
"His name is Josh, we started uh talking on facebook" I said nervously
"Franceschi?" Tom asked
wait what
Did he know him?
"Yes" I said, looking up at him again. "Do you know him?"
"Not personally but I think he's the cousin of some girl that was in my class back in high school. We've talked once but that's kind of it"
Oh. So he was Kaitlyns cousin.
Obviously.
"Wait doesn't he live in like Sheffield?" Tom then asked
"Uh no, he lives in London"
"He must've moved then" he said "I'm glad you've made a friend Oli"
He smiled lightly at me and I smiled back.
Friend.
I had a friend.