All I'll Ever Need

I was in my pajamas watching the recording of the Blackhawks game in the living room when I heard a soft knock on the front door. Of course I knew it was Sidney, so I didn’t even bother standing up. I just said, “Come in!” loud enough for Sidney to hear but not loud enough to wake up my unconscious father.

Then again, he had been given so much medication, he wasn’t supposed to wake up until tomorrow night.

It was hard not to get lost in the oh so dashing Sidney in his dressy post-game attire. He must’ve come straight over, which made sense when considering his house was completely out of the way.

When my eyes caught those chocolate ones for a brief second, Sidney and I both smiled—until he saw the TV screen. Those chocolate eyes didn’t look so happy anymore as they narrowed.

“Yeah, Sid, it’s the Toews thing,” Matty laughed.

“Well, you know, there’s a fantastic movie playing right now,” he informed me. “Rocky? Hello?”

I rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders. “I’ve seen ‘em all. Not interested. The Blackhawks and Rangers are tied at nothing right now, and thanks to you, I care again.”

I could sense Sidney and Matty plotting as they looked between the TV, the remote, and me, but I wasn’t budging. This was Chicago . . . Jonathan Toews . . . .

When Sidney made a move for the remote, my eyes narrowed. “Sidney, I swear, if you change the channel, I will hit you so hard.”

“Alright, alright,” he grumbled, and he plopped down onto the couch beside me. I was sandwiched in-between Matty and Sid, but I didn’t mind. I wasn’t paying much attention to my surroundings anyways. “Fine. We’ll watch the fucking Chicago Blackhawks instead of Rocky.”

I hadn’t meant to get this goofy smile, but Jonathan got an impressive steal about the time he said it, so it just happened. “Well . . . just Tazer.”

Matty pulled his phone out of his pocket, and I saw him hold his phone up for whatever reason, but I didn’t care. I didn’t pay enough attention to him because as the game went to commercial break, I stole a glance at Sidney and found his eyes wide as he looked at me.

“What?”

I knew I wouldn’t be able to truly explain this to him with words because I sucked with words, and words would only hurt his feelings. I knew Sidney had feelings for me, and as much as I liked to pretend I didn’t, there was no way I didn’t have feelings for him. Everything in my life was just better with Sidney, and I just wanted him to be happy. Honestly, seeing him smile or hearing him laugh . . . it always made me happy, no matter what.

When someone’s happiness is your happiness . . . .

Sidney couldn’t read my mind, but he saw the bashful smile I gave him as my only response. He took something else from the smile and got upset about it—like I feared my words would cause. “Please, tell me all about your obsession with Jonny.”

“Well, I mean, come on,” I said. I tried to sound like I was kidding, but most of what I was saying actually wasn’t a lie. “Have you seen that adorable face? That cute little smile? He’s insanely talented, and the way he moves on the ice . . . or that ass.”

“I literally can’t even believe what I’m hearing right now!” Sidney exclaimed. “The entire NHL obsesses over my ass, yet the girl I’m falling for is obsessing over my alternate’s ass and ‘the way he moves on the ice.’ I give up!”

Definitely shouldn’t have said that . . . words were bad.

Or at least my words.

But, damn. I could have so much fun with this. Jonathan Toews, Sidney Crosby’s sore spot.
I smirked at him, something that only brightened the anger in his eyes. “Aw, Siddy Boo, are you jealous?”

He seemed surprised when I called him that, but I could tell he didn’t mind, not in the slightest bit. “What the fuck?! Of course I am!”

I let out a sigh and let my eyes move back to the TV. Even though it was recorded, I didn’t fast forward through the commercials. I just suffered through them so I could talk to Sidney.

As much as I pretended he wasn’t, he was more important than a Blackhawks game.

But, I mean, while I was pretending and making him extremely jealous . . . .

“Too bad you’ll never let me meet him,” I said. “Jonathan Toews could taze me anytime.”

He let his head fall back against the couch as he let out a loud groan. “You are purposely fucking with me! What the fuck, Mika? Please. For the love of all things good, will you stop? Everything I fucking want, everything that would make my life fucking wonderful, you’d be more than willing to give Jonathan Toews. Why the fuck is he so damn special and not me? Why would you date him and not me?! It makes no—” He was cut off when something began vibrating in his pocket. “What the fuck is the fucking dickhead calling me about?”

I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I still wasn’t sure what to think about what he said. “Everything I fucking want, everything that would make my life fucking wonderful . . . .”

Sidney was more serious about this becoming “more than friends” than I realized, and I was being a heartless bitch. Right now, I was toying with him and hurting him so badly. Pretending the Jonathan Toews thing was more than it was, dragging it out and making it seem real. The truth was, it wasn’t real. The only thing real was how terrified I was of what I felt for Sidney. I had feelings for him that I didn’t wanna face, feelings that were being suppressed until certain things passed that gave me time to be in a relationship. Maybe when I quit school and got a job as a nurse, maybe then I would have time.

Alright, that wasn't really what I was waiting for, but it wasn’t right what I was doing to poor Sidney.

“What’s up, Jonny?”

Holy shit.

I squeaked before I could stop it, and the moment the sound came out of my mouth, I clamped one hand over it as tightly as I could while Matty started laughing so hard.

Sidney rolled his eyes at me but didn’t address me. Kept talking to Jonathan Toews. “No, no. Nothing’s wrong. It was just . . . yes. Yes. The girl I talked to every night at the Olympics . . . . What? You wanna talk to her?”

My inner fan girl took control before I could stop it, and I started reaching for his cell phone. “Sidney, give me the phone!”

From the pain in Sidney’s eyes as he looked over at me, I realized that giving me the phone was the last thing in the world he wanted to do right then . . . but he did. “Okay, Mika. Here.”

I knew if I walked out of the room without saying something to Sidney, his heart would shatter, so I did something bold, something I didn’t really wanna do—ever. Instead of burying the things I felt for him, I let them come to light, and out of my mouth.

I gave him a smile and put one hand over the speaker so Jonathan didn’t hear what I said. “Sidney, look, I know I’m acting silly, but . . . it’s just a fangirl thing with Tazer. Everything I feel for you is real.”

Sidney’s eyes were wide, mostly because I don’t think he understood the last sentence at all. To be honest, I didn’t fully understand the last sentence, so he sure as hell couldn’t have understood it. I didn’t stick around to clarify, however. I kissed the top of his head and disappeared out the back door, into the cold Thursday night.

“Hello?”

“Well hey there,” the mysterious and charming voice of Jonathan Toews practically purred through the receiver, and I felt like my heart melted a little. “I just got a video of you pissing Sidney Crosby the fuck off about me. Highlight of my night, though I really don’t deserve it.”

“Oh?” I was confused. “I’m watching a recording of the game, and it looks like you guys are doing pretty damn good.”

He sighed. “You probably shouldn’t finish that game. You’ll be disappointed in me.”

My eyes widened a little as I sat down on the step and got into a comfortable position against the back door. “One bad game couldn’t make me disappointed in you, Jonathan. You’re a wonderful captain. You don’t see yourself above your team. If anything, they’re above you. You lead them how a captain should lead them—with respect and genuine concern for their well-being. You want them all to succeed so the team can succeed. What is there to be disappointed in? I wouldn’t care if you guys lost by ten points.”

He scoffed. “We might as well have. We didn’t score until the last eleven seconds.”

“There’s still nothing to be disappointed in,” I said. “One bad game isn’t worth it.”

“Well, I’m glad someone thinks so,” he said. “But, listen, I have to get off here. We’ve got a flight in the morning, and I need to get some sleep. Get my number from Crosby’s phone and text me sometime.”

The fact that Jonathan Toews wanted my phone number brought a huge smile to my face. “I will.”

“Goodnight, Mika,” he said. “Torment Crosby for me some more, would ya?”

Sidney. Man, I had a lot of shit to sort through and figure out with Sidney. Now, because of my stupidity, it was in the open that we shared feelings.

Openly sharing feelings makes it rather difficult to avoid a relationship, and the reality was, I tried to play it off like I didn’t want to be with him because I wouldn’t have the time to sustain a healthy relationship, but that was only a part of my reasoning why we couldn’t be together.

There was so much Sidney still didn’t know about me, and when he did know those things . . . I could only imagine things would probably work themselves out. I mean, Sidney wouldn’t wanna be with me when he knew my entire life story.

No one ever did.

“We’ll see,” I finally said. “He’s a great friend.”

“Not . . . what I was expecting to hear.”

“It’s complicated, much too complicated to talk about with someone who needs to sleep,” I sighed.

“Well, some other time then,” he said. “Goodnight, Mika.”

“Goodnight, Jonathan,” I smiled.

Sidney’s phone fell into my lap as I leaned back against the door and took a deep breath. The February air was damp and smelled of mud, but I was used to it—especially in our backyard. No matter what season, it typically always smelled like mud.

I stood from the stairs and turned to head inside, but when I did, I saw glimpse of a shadow in the corner of our backyard.

It wasn’t just a shadow. It was the shadow of a person, a face that still sometimes haunted me in my sleep.

For a moment, fear paralyzed me while I stared at the eerie figure. He was dressed in black from head to toe, and his all too pleasant smile glistened in the pale moonlight. Leaning against the wooden fence of our backyard, he seemed so nonchalant, as if he had been waiting for me.

Waiting . . . for how long?

How many nights had he stood there?

I didn’t care. The moment he pushed himself off the fence, I took off back inside. No longer paralyzed by fear, I locked the backdoor and started running.

I locked the front door the moment I got to it, and I started going through and making sure every window locked as well. Sidney and Matty were both fully alert and concerned now, but I didn’t stop until I did a full sweep of every window in the house—including the ones on the second floor—and made sure every way into the house was sealed.

I couldn’t even make it back down the stairs. Fear consumed me and brought me to my knees while anguish swept through me. The only way I didn’t fall face first down the stairs was by grabbing ahold of the railing.

How many nights had he stood there?

“What’s going on, Mika?”

Sidney’s voice was soft, but he was more concerned than I had heard yet. That was saying a lot considering that every time I found out that I had to close, Sidney nearly had a panic attack.

This was more intense, or maybe it was my own fear making it seem that way. Either way, when I looked up at his chocolate brown orbs solidified with terror, I couldn’t find words to even begin explaining.

It seemed I wouldn’t have to, though, because Matty suddenly picked up the remote from the couch and threw it clear across the living room and shattered it on the hard wood floors.

“NO!”

Tears fell down my cheeks faster than I would’ve liked as I nodded. “He’s outside. Just standing there.”

“Call the fucking cops, now,” Matty growled. “At the very least, they can get him on fucking trespassing!”

Sidney looked absolutely horrified now as he looked to Matty and then back to me. “Who is outside? Matty, you call the cops. I’ll go out there and—”

“No, Sidney!” I interrupted, and before he could even start moving, I grabbed him and yanked him right back down beside me. “P-Please d-don’t go out the-there. I don’t know what he’d do to you, and I can’t . . . I can’t handle that. When we’re safe, I’ll explain everything.”

I could hear Matty calling the cops, but I didn’t focus as he vehemently spat to the dispatcher what was going on. My main focus was on those chocolate eyes of Sidney’s staring back at me, watching with fear and alarm as I trembled on the stairs, still too messed up to even think about moving.

And like he seemed to know I needed, Sidney pulled me into a hug. Immediately, I felt so much safer, but the paralyzing reality still wasn’t going away.

Scott Jamieson was standing in my backyard, coming back to haunt my life after his restraining order had worn off.

Because I never went to court and got it renewed.