All I'll Ever Need

Waking up to the alarm on Sidney’s phone was unusual—almost as unusual as waking up in anyone’s arms was.

To say that I didn’t love the warmth and security of his arms wrapped around me, holding me close against him while he wore nothing but his boxer-briefs . . . that would be a lie. For a minute, I put myself in a place where this was something that happened every morning, where I decided to be with Sidney. It was a dream, and I wished being with Sidney was as simple as making time for him.

It never would be, though.

Sidney’s face was buried in the back of my neck, and I could feel it as he inhaled through his nose. “How do you fucking smell good right now?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” I laughed.

He let go of me so he could roll over on his back and wipe the sleep out of his eyes. It seemed to be a lot easier to wake up with the light on, since neither of us remembered to turn it off last night.

“Practice time?” I murmured.

“Practice time.”

“Want me to take you?” I asked, though I wasn’t really sure why. Maybe it was because I was currently intoxicated with the dream of us being more than friends. Maybe it was because I wanted those chocolate eyes to swirl with excitement when they met mine.

And they did. For an added bonus, he gave me that adorable crooked smile that lit his entire face up, and mine.

“You could do that,” he said. “Unless you just wanna roll over and go back to sleep.”

I shrugged. “I’m up. There won’t be anymore sleeping today for me.”

Sidney laughed. “Alright. Well, come on then. I like to get there early, and it starts at eight.”

“What time is it now?”

“Six.”

Just the idea that I was up that early was horrifying. For class and Matty’s rehab, I never had to get up until almost eight, and I never worked morning shifts. Every time I got up earlier than seven thirty, the grim reality that my life would soon require me to be up every morning much earlier than now came to mind, and it was a nightmare.

Then again, sometimes sleep was too.

I rubbed my eyes and rolled out of bed, letting my feet hit the cold wood floors before I could think twice about it. If I thought too much about it, I might try and delay the inevitable, and all that would do would make Sidney later than he wanted to be.

He laughed when a shiver ran through my entire body, and instead of turning to give him a mean look, I just flipped him off and trudged over to the duffel bag sitting inside the walk-in closet.

“I’ll be in the living room,” he informed me. I heard him stand up and slid back into his pants, but I waited until I heard the door close before I shed the clothes I fell asleep in last night and changed into a new set of clothes.

Since I had to come home and shower anyways, I just put on a black sweatshirt and a pair of dark grey sweatpants. I threw my hair in a messy ponytail and slipped into some fuzzy black boots. To take Sidney to practice, it was all I needed.

He pulled two large blue Gatorades out of his refrigerator and stuffed them into a black duffel bag that I could smell the moment I stepped into the kitchen.

“Dear goodness, that’s horrid,” I laughed.

He smirked. “Yeah, well, I know where the shed’s gonna go. It’ll be alright.”

“That seems highly inconvenient,” I said, and his eyebrows rose. “I mean, you’ll come home every day, walk back to the backyard, put your smelly bag in the shed, and then get to come inside.”

“Well, as long as I’m coming inside to you, it’s worth it.”

I regretted mentioning it the moment he said that, but his words brought a bashful smile to my face. I didn’t want him to want me, but like he said, it wasn’t my choice to make. Did that mean I had given up on getting him out of my life? Hell no, but I couldn’t stop him from liking me while he was in it.

“Do you not eat breakfast?” I asked, finding anything I could to change the subject.

Sidney shrugged. “After morning practices, we sometimes go out and eat together. I sometimes eat before, sometimes don’t.”

I nodded and decided right then to have a wonderful breakfast ready for him when we got back—or maybe waiting in the car. “Right. I forget that hockey practice is probably far more strenuous than anything I’ve ever done in all of my life.”

Sidney laughed. “Yeah, it can be pretty rough sometimes.”

I took the short silence that fell upon us as an opportunity to get out to the Range Rover. Sidney followed behind me, locking the door and setting the alarm since Matty was still sound asleep. On the walk to the Range Rover, Sidney told me the alarm code at least five times, and I made a mental note of it so I wouldn’t forget.

Though I knew that I would.

I was surprised when Sidney followed me around to the passenger’s side and opened up my door for me. This was something new for me as well, but I tried to act like it was no big deal.

From the way Sidney’s eyes brightened, I realized I hadn’t done such a good job at it. “What?”

“Come on, Sid, cut me some slack,” I breathed, giving him a timid smile. “It’s gonna take some getting used to, having someone in my life that actually cares.”

Sidney smiled. “Alright. I’ll give you a bit of slack, but you’re gonna have to get used to it, gorgeous. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how hard you push.”

I felt my eyes widen, and Sidney only smirked as he closed the door behind me and walked over to hop into the driver’s seat. He didn’t say anything about what had just happened, but he didn’t have to. I just knew.

He fucking knew my intentions . . . he knew that I planned to push him away.

How . . . ?

When I saw those chocolate eyes on me, swimming in delight, I gave up. I decided that I didn’t care. Getting Sidney out of my life wasn’t gonna happen that easily, and maybe I didn’t need him out of my life.

Maybe I just needed to decide how I wanted him there.

No, Mika. Bad idea. A friend is all he can ever be.

But . . . was it really? I mean, if Scott was gonna mistake Sidney for a boyfriend anyways, why did it make any difference if he really was or not? Scott was always gonna hurt me, and if Sidney was in my life, he was always gonna hurt him, too.

Wouldn’t I be letting him win if I didn’t get in another relationship because of him? It was what he said he wanted. “If you’re not with me, I’ll make sure you’re never with anyone else.”

So . . . maybe it was time that I was with someone else.

After school.

After things settled down a little.

But eventually.

This new thought process made my entire body burn in anticipation—would Sidney wait that long? Maybe if I talked to him, explained what I had decided . . . or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he’d meet some beautiful girl who didn’t have a complicated and dark past, and we’d stay friends for the rest of our lives.

Or maybe that was stupid to think. Maybe Sidney would wait forever.

With that thought in mind, I stared out the window and watched as Pittsburgh passed me by. The sun was barely up, so the sky was a soft blue that made me smile. Blue was my favorite color, and though baby blue wasn’t my favorite shade, it was peaceful.

“So . . . last night, after you fell asleep . . . I got to thinking,” Sidney stated out of nowhere, or at least that was how it seemed to me. “I think you and Matty should come to Chicago with us this weekend.”

My eyebrows rose. “What? Sid, that’s . . . as much fun as that sounds, we can’t just fly to Chicago.”

“Sure you can,” he protested. “I’m sure you can find someone to cover your shift this weekend, or you could ask off? You told me yourself. You never ask off and could get off a few days if you needed to, and I can easily get tickets for both the game and plane ride over.”

“You know damn well that’s not okay with me,” I reminded him. “No, Sidney. As much fun as that sounds . . . we can’t.”

Sidney smirked. “That’s not what Matty said.”

I groaned and fell back against the seat fully, my shoulders slumped in defeat. “Why do you even bother asking? I’m sure you’ve already somehow magically gotten the tickets and everything.”

Sidney’s smirk only grew cockier. “Nah. Just the hotel room. Same hotel we’re staying in, but different floor. We kinda rent out an entire floor.”

While he laughed at that, my eyes narrowed. “You’re horribly wonderful, you know that?”

That caught him off guard, and as he pulled up to a red light, he looked over at me with eyes full of confusion and joy. “Oh? That sounds impossible.”

“So does the idea that you’d even wanna be in my life,” I informed him. “Yet here you are, too damn stubborn to do what’s best for you.”

Sidney shook his head. “I think you’re what’s best for me.”

“Because you’re an idiot,” I said, and when his eyes narrowed, I smirked. “I mean, you did completely run a stop sign and total my car.”

“Now that’s hardly fair to keep bringing that up!” he exclaimed, but he was laughing as hard as I was. “Fine, fine. I’ll admit that I’m not the brightest in the box . . . but I do notice things.”

I cocked an eyebrow at him as he slowly added on the last part, implicating there was more to the last word than he wanted to let on. “Things?”

He shook his head and began grinding his teeth together. “Nah . . . it was nothing. Forget I mentioned it. Things are good right now.”

I took a deep breath and looked away from him. If there was one thing I was certain of at that moment, it was that I didn’t wanna watch as Sidney spilled whatever it was he wanted to say. I could see in his eyes, already, as the joy morphed into pain, and I figured it’d only get worse.

“You might as well just say it. You know I’ll get it out of you.”

“I . . . noticed other things last night,” he mumbled. “Things . . . I didn’t realize you did.”

Immediately, my face flushed in shame when I realized just what he meant. The scars had nearly faded from view, but Sidney noticed. He was right about that; he noticed things.

“I don’t remember much from that time in my life,” I admitted, letting out a deep sigh. “It was shortly after everything went down with Scott and the accident with Matty, and most of it is a blur.”

“Do you remember why you did it?” he asked. “Why specifically?”

“I guess . . . I guess I did it because it was the only pain I could control.”

His breaths became shaky, but I didn’t dare look over at him. The way his lungs seemed to quiver said it all—Sidney was in a lot of emotional pain right now. “Did you ever learn to shut the pain out?”

“That’s the thing about pain,” I said. “It demands to be felt. You can pretend to shut it out and pretend it doesn’t hurt, but it does. One way or the other.”

My curiosity got the better of me, and I looked over at Sidney. I was glad that I did because what I saw was . . . relieving. Sure, he looked pretty upset, but he was a bit more organized in thought than I expected. The pain didn’t seem as strong and vibrant as I feared.

His lips pressed together. “So how are you okay now? I mean, things don’t seem to be much better. You seemed somewhat happy when we first talked.”

“I came to a point in life where I decided pain did nothing for me, so even through the pain, I chose to be happy,” I admitted.

“Is that how you got yourself to stop cutting?” he asked. The pain was disappearing and being replaced by curiosity, which made me feel a lot better about this conversation.

I hadn’t wanted to have this conversation, not with Sidney. Admitting that weak point in my life was something I didn’t wanna do, especially to him. He was so strong, happy, and together. Sure, he knew that I wasn’t most of those things, but telling him about the weakest and worst point in my life . . . I didn’t wanna bring it back up. I had worked through that pain already, and stirring it right back up didn’t seem like a good idea to me.

Yet I felt . . . better already, and we weren’t even done talking.

A tiny smile came to my face when I remembered his question. “Nah. When the rest of my family found out the reason Mom killed herself, the whole ‘Dad giving her HIV’ thing, I had no idea. With everything going on after Scott, and with Matty, my dad and gone mother were the least of my concerns. My grandmother didn’t know how to tell me, so she decided to take me to Disney World. It was always how she told me bad news, so I knew something was up. At the beginning of the day, when we first walked in, I asked her to just tell me so I could make it better. Well . . . she told me, and then she let me enjoy Disney World. I didn’t, not like other times.”

I stopped talking for a minute, mostly consumed in the memory of my last trip to Disney World. Like everyone else in my family, my grandmother wasn’t doing well, but unlike Matty and Dad, I didn’t get to see her often. I tried to make a mental note that would stick in my head to go see her, but I wasn’t sure if I would remember.

Sometimes, it’s just hard to remember those outside of the ones you see every day.

Sidney’s eyebrows pulled together. “I don’t understand.”

“Because I’m not done,” I laughed. “I’m scatter brained . . . . Ever since I first went to Disney World, I wanted to meet Peter Pan. He was always my favorite because his mentality of never grow up was something I wish I could’ve done. Growing up led to the bad, so I figured if I never grew up, nothing bad would happen.”

“Did you meet him?” he asked.

Another smiled came to my lips as I thought back to the moment I saw him, his blue eyes wide and kind from the moment they met mine. “I did. I ran right up to him and hugged him, like I was a little kid, and I told him he was my hero. He saw my fresh cuts on my arms and didn’t like it at all. He said, ‘Whoa! You must’ve fought a lot of bad pirates to get those battle scars. You, princess, are my hero.’ He kissed my hand and hugged me again, and he whispered in my ear, ‘You’re beautiful. Please don’t ever do this again.’ And I cried the whole rest of the day. From then on out, I never had the urge to do it again.”

I wanted to watch Sidney this time, wanted to see his reaction to the best thing that had ever happened in my life. I hadn’t expected him to get all teary eyed, but he did, which of course made me get teary eyed. I didn’t care, though, because he smiled. I smiled. The bad was gone, and we were both happy again.

Right now, all I wanted was to be happy. Away from Sidney’s place was nothing but sadness, so while I was with Sidney and staying at his house . . . I wanted things to be happy.

“Wow.”

“He was the first person who had ever told me that,” I admitted. “In all of my life.”

Now Sidney’s eyes were wide—still full of tears and as wide as they could be. “How did you go your entire life without someone telling you that you’re beautiful?”

“Because to everyone, I’m not beautiful,” I whispered.

Sidney shook his head. “That’s a lie. You’re the most beautiful thing in the world to me, inside and out.”

And what could I even say to that? Telling him how untrue it was would kill the mood, not to mention get him to try and prove me wrong. As adorable as that would be, and as happy as it would make me, I didn’t need to have a blushing overload. Instead, I kept the bashful smile on my lips and looked out the window, letting Sidney’s untrue words settle and swim around in my mind.

You’re the most beautiful thing in the world to me, inside and out.

Finding the Iceoplex wasn’t that hard. Even though Sidney drove, I paid close attention to details and turns he made so that I could find it when the time came. He said a sweet goodbye, grabbed his stinky bag, and walked into practice.

On normal occasions, I probably would’ve climbed over into the driver’s seat, but with it being so early, I wanted to stretch my legs a little. I hopped out of the Range Rover and shut the door.

About the time I turned around, someone pulled a dark and very incredible Porsche Turbo 911 in the parking spot beside me. I fiddled with Sid’s keys nervously—this was clearly one of his teammates who probably knew nothing about me.

I recognized the man who stepped out of the car immediately: Evgeni Malkin. That big smile on his adorable face was friendly, and I saw recognition in his eyes.

“Beautiful girl,” he said. “Sid left you here? Captain very rude.”

I laughed nervously and tucked a stray curl behind my ear while my eyes drifted to the snowy concrete below my feet. “Uh, sorta. I’m about to head back to his house while you guys practice.”

Evgeni’s eyebrows rose. “I see. I let you go get sleep then, hmm?”

His English in that adorable Russian accent made me smile. Really, thinking back to his story, I was amazed. How did someone who only knew ten words of English when arriving in America even manage? Sure, he had money whereas others didn’t, but I couldn’t imagine learning English as a second language.

Being so far away from home, knowing only ten words and even fewer people . . . it had to be incredibly hard for him.

“I don’t sleep once I’m up, and thanks to Sid’s damn alarm, I woke up when he did,” I laughed.

Evgeni’s smile widened as he looked towards the door that Sidney had already gone through, but those dark brown eyes quickly met mine again. “We have not properly met. I am Geno.”

“Mika,” I said, and when he held his hand out for me to shake it, I did. The tenderness in his grip was surprising. Most people gripped my hand like I was their lifeline, but not Geno. He held it as if I was a delicate flower, and the change was wonderful.

He let go of my hand and pulled his own duffel bag onto his shoulders. “Wonderful to meet you, Mika. I hope to see again?”

“Well, I have to pick Sid up, so maybe I’ll see you then,” I said.

“Sounds great.”

I turned to head around the car but stopped myself immediately, turning back to Geno with raised eyebrows. “Okay. So, here’s a question that might seem strange to you . . . if I got doughnuts, would any of you guys actually eat those?”

Geno got this huge and adorable smile at the mention of doughnuts, and he laughed. Goodness, his laugh was so much different than Sidney’s. It didn’t sound like the young boy laugh Sid’s did. It was deeper and more fitting for his size.

His laugh was nice, but there was something about Sidney’s that made my heart race.

“Coach would be angry, but I would eat whole dozen,” he said. “Sid would probably do same.”

I nodded. “Right. Thanks, Geno.”

“Here, wait,” he said, and when I turned back to look at him, I found him pulling out his wallet . . . for some unknown fucking reason. When he handed me a debit card, I almost passed out right there.

What was it with these all too trusting Penguins players? Clearly, they had lost their minds. Geno had just met me, though he knew Sid and I knew each other, yet he’s giving me his debit card? What?

“Get entire team doughnuts,” he suggested. “Around a fuck ton dozen, half chocolate.”

“Dear goodness, these doughnut people are gonna hate me,” I laughed. “Geno, I don’t know about this . . . not to mention, I don’t actually know how many to get.”

“It’s not for you,” he reminded me. “It’s for team, though beautiful girl can has some, too. Make guess and don’t worry. It nothing. I’ll have security team help you bring them in at end of practice, into players’ lounge. You’ll be in Sid’s car, correct?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Wonderful. I will make sure they know. I must get to practice now.” He flashed me another gorgeous smile and started walking towards the door. “See you after.”

“See ya,” I said back, and as fast as I could, I ran around to hop into the driver’s seat before any other Pens player could stop me on their way into practice and find some strange way to put too much trust into a girl they didn’t even know.

Holy fuck, this was gonna be quite the adventure.