All I'll Ever Need

“Alright, Mika, I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but please call me,” I heard Sidney’s voice say into my receiver. “You sent me a cryptic message, and Matty is flipping his shit. Where are you? Are you okay? Please come home. I’m freaking out here. Just . . . please talk to me.”

I didn’t delete the message, but instead, I hung up and tucked my phone into my back pocket. Six voicemails in twenty minutes . . . I had really worried him. Maybe leaving him this way wasn’t the best idea in the world.

I needed to make him hate me, right?

There wasn’t really a way to make him hate me, though. Sidney knew I was trying to push him away, so things that would normally push him away, he would see right through them.

As my phone rang again for the seventh time, I pulled it out to see Sidney’s face. I had gotten a really good picture of him offline, but it was only until I could take one myself.

After he got back, things got crazy. I didn’t get to take one myself, and now, I never would get the chance—unless, of course, I decided to be selfish.

What I saw wasn’t Sidney’s face but instead Jonatan Toews’.

I wasn’t sure about this—why was he calling me? Not to mention, I wasn’t really in the mood to talk to him either.

But, then again, Tazer wasn’t falling in love with me. He didn’t even know me.

“Hello?”

“Hey there, Mika,” he said. “What are you up to?”

“Sitting here, watching nature.” Still unsure of the reason for this call, I decided to give as few details as I could. “And you?”

“Getting ready to kick your boyfriends’ ass tomorrow,” he laughed. “You gonna watch?”

At this point, I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I wasn’t going to Chicago anymore, but I didn’t really think I could handle watching Sidney play anymore.

“I’m sure I will,” I lied.

“What happened to the cheerful girl I talked to last night?” he asked. “The one who picked me up from the ground and reminded me that everyone has a bad game?”

Last night . . . it seemed like such a long time ago. Had it only been one night since I first talked to Tazer? Had it only been one night since I found Scott in my backyard?

Had it only been six hours since I woke up in Sidney’s arms . . . ?

The thought alone made my heart swell up, but I tried not to make a sound. Why couldn’t I just be right for him? Why couldn’t that be my every morning?

I bit back the tears and took a deep breath. “Lots of things happened.”

“Well, tell me about them,” he suggested. “If you and Sid are gonna get serious, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me than you realize.”

His words made me cringe, but the idea of having another friend wasn’t a bad one. If I was about to lose Sidney, getting a new friend would be nice.

I wouldn’t make the mistake of falling in love with this one, though. Falling in love just made things complicated.

“My ex-boyfriend came back into the picture last night,” I said, not entirely sure what to say and where to start. If I just told him all about my complicated past and present up front, he wouldn’t wanna be my friend. “My dying father just told me that I’m worthless and no good for Sidney, and he’s right.”

“Wait, just a second here.” Jonathan sounded confused. “Why would you believe that?”

Just when I thought I had cried all my tears, more began to fall. “Because it’s true. There’s nothing good about me.”

“I know for a one hundred percent fact that if there was nothing good about you, Sidney Crosby wouldn’t be in love with you,” he said. “I don’t know you that well, but I know for damn sure that you’re not the terrible person your father, and you, think you are.”

“That’s just the thing,” I protested. “Sidney sees more in me than I actually have. I’m not a good person. I’m quite the opposite, and I’m the worst thing in the world for him. Sometimes, I think my dad might actually be the devil reincarnate. I don’t understand how so much evil can be inside one person like that, and I’ve got a part of him in me.”

“Just because your dad is shit doesn’t mean you are,” he said, and his immediate response caught me off guard. “What about your mom? I’m sure she’s nice.”

With the hand that wasn’t holding the phone up, I began rubbing my forehead as I slumped over, wishing this conversation could just end. “No. Well, everyone says she used to be, but she’s dead now—killed herself because of my dad. My brother and I weren’t enough to keep her here, so why would that make me worth anything?”

“Based on all the logic you’ve given me, that means your brother is worthless, too,” he said. “Is your brother worthless?”

I pointless shook my head. “It’s different with Matty. When my mom died, we had no parent. Our dad was always whoring around or working, so he was never home. He raised me, and what did I do for him? Nothing. I was just a burden that ruined his childhood.”

“That was his choice, you know,” he informed me. “He decided to give up his childhood for you because he thought you were worth it. What does he think of you now?”

I scoffed. “He thinks I’m an idiot. He loves Sidney, almost as much as I do, but I don’t know. I think he feels like my burden now.”

“Why?”

I leaned back against the bench and stretched my legs out in front of me, my eyes tightening a little as I looked out to the lake. “This is strange for me, telling this story again. I haven’t met new people in a long time, and then Sidney comes along, then you. I just . . . this is weird. Um, well, long story short, Matty was in a hockey accident that left him paralyzed. Before I met Sidney, I didn’t think he would ever get past it, ever walk again, but Sidney’s been going to rehab with him the past couple of times, and he’s done better. He might walk again.”

“Wait a second,” he said, before I could go on. “Your brother is paralyzed, and your dad is dying. I’m assuming you’re taking care of both of them?”

My eyebrows furrowed. “Well, yeah, I mean, I’m supposed to.”

“No you’re not,” he disagreed. “You’re supposed to live your life however you fucking please. You’re choosing to take care of the man who took care of you, and the devil reincarnate you despise so. Please explain this to me. How does this make you a bad person?”

“I give my friend money when I’m almost positive she uses it for drugs,” I tried.

“Nope, wrong answer. She probably says something along the lines of ‘I need money for food this week.’ Am I right?”

“Well . . . sometimes she says gas,” I mumbled.

He laughed. “Yeah, no. There’s nothing bad and worthless about you. Right now, I actually despise Sidney Crosby. You’re . . . not like anyone else I’ve talked to. How can you not understand what I’m telling you?”

“Because it doesn’t make sense to me that anything about me is good,” I insisted.

“Well, Sidney and I are just gonna have to show you otherwise,” he said. “Speaking of Sidney, he’s really worried about you. You should stop thinking bad things about yourself and let him know you’re okay.”

Yep, there it was—his true motive for calling me.

“So you called me because Sidney asked you to,” I sighed. “Right.”

“No, I called you because I wanted to. Sidney called to see if I would call and find out where you are, and I wanted to make sure you were okay. He’s worried sick, though. You should call him, or at least let me tell him where you are.”

“I don’t want Sidney to know where I am,” I whispered. “Because if I tell Sidney where I am, he’ll come running to me, and I don’t deserve someone who would stick by me no matter what I did. No matter how hard I push, Sidney will never leave me.”

“See? That’s what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed. “That right there should show you that you’re worth something because as much fun as like to pick at Sidney Crosby, he’s not an idiot. He’s actually one of the smartest guys I know when it comes to common sense and logic. You need someone like him in your life.”

“Look, Jonathan, I just . . . don’t wanna talk anymore,” I said. “I need some time to clear my head. Can we talk some other time?”

He sighed. “Alright. You’re not gonna tell me where you are, are you?”

“Nope.”

“Not gonna call Sid either?”

“Nope.”

“You really should,” he groaned. “But it’s ultimately your decision, and I can’t sway that. I think the best thing for you would be to talk to someone, whether it be me or Sidney. Just call him. Let him know you’re okay, at least.”

“I’ll call him,” I said, but I didn’t mean right then.

I needed some time to clear my head.

“Good,” he said in a soft voice. “Be safe, Mika, and please stop thinking you’re the worst thing in the world. It’s not possible for you to be.”

I didn’t get a chance to protest because he hung up. It was all I could do to hold onto my phone and not throw it into the pond in front of me, but I didn’t. I held onto it so I could call Sidney in a little bit and let him know I was okay.

I wasn’t alone anymore in just a few seconds. It wasn’t Sidney, Matty, or Suzie—no one I was really close to.

It was Beau Bennett, Penguins right wing.

I groaned. “Let me guess. Sidney knows where I’m at?”

“I haven’t sent the text yet, but it’s ready for when I decide you need him,” he said.

“What are you doing here?”

“I run through here,” he said. “It’s probably one of the best places in this city to go on a run.”

I looked over at him now, and those frosty blue eyes were gentle when they met mine. He had on a Pens sweatshirt and running shorts with black and gold running shoes, so I knew he wasn’t lying. Sidney hadn’t sent his entire team on a search mission for me.

. . . nah. He wouldn’t do that . . . .

“How long were you standing there?”

“Long enough that I realize why it’s so complicated,” he said. “Look, I don’t know what whoever you were talking to said, but I disagree with what you said. You’re not the worst thing in the world for him. His ex-girlfriend was the worst thing in the world for him. You? No. You’re probably the best.”

“You guys don’t even know me,” I insisted. “How can you say that? I have an ex-boyfriend who has gotten away with rape and attempted murder that is now stalking me again, and God knows what he’ll do to Sidney if he ever figures out where I’m staying.”

“That definitely explains the complicated thing he was talking about earlier,” Beau nodded. “But, look, Mika, I don’t know you that well. I don’t know everything that’s going on, but all the things you said . . . Sid’s a big guy. He can take care of himself, and you think we’re just gonna let someone hurt either one of you? Sidney hasn’t said it, but I’m pretty sure he’s fallen in love with you. That makes you a part of this wild and crazy family, and we protect our family. Nothing is gonna happen to either of you. I promise.”

As I studied Beau’s rather adorable face, I realized that . . . he was right. I didn’t know if I was ready to say Sidney and I would be more than friends, but I wasn’t ready to have Sidney out of my life. Right now, I needed him, and maybe he needed me, too.

The selfish thing would be taking away his choice.