All I'll Ever Need

I was genuinely surprised when Jonathan opened every door for me. It wasn’t that no man had ever done that for me because Sidney did it all the time, but I hadn’t really expected Jonathan to do the same.

We barely knew each other.

The restaurant we went to was uncomfortably fancy, but I didn’t mind so much. We were put at a more private table, so I didn’t feel too out of place—aside from the fact that I was eating with Jonathan Toews.

To be honest, I had no idea how to even begin talking to him. With Sidney, everything came so easy. It always had, but the entire car ride to the restaurant, and the entire time we waited on our waitress to get our order, neither of us said a word.

This had to be a sign, didn’t it?

I was beyond grateful when Jonathan broke the silence with a tiny smile. “I’m really not good at talking to people. Everyone thinks I’m so serious.”

“I can’t really say I’m that good at it either.”

“I find that a bit hard to believe,” he informed me. “The way you are with Sidney . . . I mean, the two of you talk all the time.”

“Everything’s so simple with Sidney,” I sighed. “And somehow, I’m managing to screw it all up. I mean, I’m horrible. I really shouldn’t be out with you. I won’t even go out with Sidney.”

He nodded. “I know what you mean, but I’m glad you said yes.”

My eyes immediately moved over to catch his, and there was that bashful look again. A light pink flushed across my face as I smiled and nodded. “I, uh, think I’ve really hurt Sid.”

“You have,” he agreed. “But you need a little push.”

I was even more confused as I continued to stare at him. “What do you mean?”

“You’re terrified to be with Sidney,” he said. “And I get where you’re coming from. You try and act like it all stems from the fact that you don’t wanna lose him, but let’s face it. Your last relationship bombed, am I right?”

“Well, considering that he now stalks me after raping me, yeah, I’d say that failed pretty hard,” I muttered.

The smile left Jonathan’s face as he shifted his gaze away from me. “Uh, yeah. I’d say so. That’s just my point, though. Sidney needs you, and you need him. You can pretend that you just need a friend, but the way you look at each other . . . you’re already more than friends.”

“Are we?”

I hadn’t really thought about it that way. Friends don’t really hug the way Sid and I do, nor do they call each other every night they aren’t together. Friends don’t have feelings for each other, they don’t constantly take care of one another the way Sid and I did.

So . . . he was right. Nothing was official, but we weren’t just friends. There wasn’t a point where we ever really were.

That meant one thing. It was damn time I decided on whether this could continue or not. If it didn’t, Sidney and I needed to go our separate ways. It was the best thing for both of us that way.

But if it did . . . ?

The same question I had been asking myself for the past few weeks came back to my mind. Was being with Sidney smart? Safe?

Who cares, Mika? Give it a shot.

I almost felt like he was here, laughing at me as I thought through every possible scenario—good and bad. I kept thinking back to that moment when I felt like no one else in the world would be good enough or even compare, and I realized that was pretty much the deciding factor.
Just earlier, I felt like I needed Sidney, but did I? I need water. I need food. I want strawberry lemonade. I want pizza.

I need someone to love me and care for me like nothing I had ever seen in all of my life, because even if it made me weak, I couldn’t live on my own forever. I could survive in the real world and fight for myself, but I couldn’t go the rest of my life without someone to talk to and someone to watch over me when I’m too weak to do everything necessary for life.

No one can stay strong forever.

I want Sidney.

Three words seemed to spark something new in my mind. Why Sidney? Why did I have to want him? It would be so much simpler to want someone else, wouldn’t it? Someone else wouldn’t care for me like he clearly does. So is that it? I want Sidney because he actually wants me?

No.

It’s more than that. Sidney wants me, yes, but that doesn’t matter. When Sidney started pursuing me, despite my better judgment, I didn’t run away from it, not until the full gravity of the situation started catching up with me. I just wanted the same things he did.

This was deeper than pure desire. I wanted Sidney and only Sidney for one reason and one reason only.

I had fallen in love with him somewhere in the middle of these short few weeks we had known each other, and my life had become a fairytale right under my nose. Where all the bad surrounded me, Sidney was the good that helped the bad go away, or at least not matter.

It’s so simple, isn’t it? That explained it all, explained why each time I tried to run, he just kept coming right back to me asking me to just try. Yes, he was way out of my league socially, and we lived in two completely different worlds. Did he care? No. Did I care? No.

I was in love with him, and going out to dinner with someone else broke his heart.

Goodness, Matty was right. I’m destroying him, and it was time I stopped.

Because I didn’t wanna be just friends with Sidney. Maybe the timing wasn’t right, but maybe it was. Maybe I didn’t really know what was best for me.

If I ever wanted my life to be better, I had to be willing to let it change.

As my eyes looked up and met Jonathan’s, he seemed to sense there was a shift in my mindset. Maybe my eyes sparkled, or maybe I looked astonished. To be honest, I didn’t know, but I felt like I might float away. My heart raced inside my chest as if it had never been so free before, but that was just how I felt.

Free . . . because I loved Sidney, and Sidney would never hurt me.

Sidney would take care of me.

“Why don’t we eat and get you back home?” Jonathan smiled. “You’ve got a Penguin to talk to in the morning, so you need your rest.”

My smile was sheepish as I looked down to my silverware. “This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m willing to do this. What if something goes wrong? What if we break up?”

“Then I can assure you, there are plenty of other options out there,” he said. “Look, I could go on about Sid for days on end, reasons why you should give him a chance. But I won’t. It’s your decision, and if you wanna stay friends, stay friends. I’ll give you a piece of advice, something a wise woman told me just a couple of days ago. ‘Life’s too short for small talk. If you wanna get close to someone, do it now because tomorrow, everything could be nothing.’ Life’s too short, Mika. Don’t let this become a mistake that haunts you.”

I remembered that night, the second night Matty and I stayed at Sidney’s house. Jonathan called me to tell me about the beautiful girl that moved into his building, but she was engaged. He wanted to talk to her, but he felt wrong doing so.

So I told him how it was. No, he shouldn’t ask her out knowing that she was engaged, but getting to know her? There was nothing wrong with having a friend.

Turns out, she wasn’t engaged. The ring on her finger was a purity ring given to her by her father who had died of colon cancer.

And I realized that my own advice could be applied to my own life.

Life really is too short for small talk.

The car ride to my hotel room was filled with the story of the fight on the ice. Seabrook had said to Sidney, “Looks like we’re taking your chances at the Cup and your girl all in one night!”

Sidney wasn’t in the mood to hear that, and I knew damn well why. He hated that I was going out with Jonathan, and it was probably in the back of his mind all night. To hear Seabrook say that just set him off.

Jonathan had to pull them apart and tell Seabrook to focus on hockey. To calm Sid down? He had to tell him, “She’s all yours, Sid. I’m standing down. The Cup, however? That’s mine.”

It served its purpose, but Sidney wasn’t the same the rest of the game.

I was to blame for that, but I was ready to fix what I had messed up. I was ready to put the pieces of Sidney’s heart back together.

Just like he would always do for me. Everything broken, everything dark and evil, Sidney would somehow find a way to make better.

Sidney would make life worth living for the first time in all of my existence.

Matty was already asleep when I got in, but there wasn’t enough time before our flight for me to sleep. So I changed into some more comfortable clothes—a pair of polka dot pajama pants and a Penguins hoodie—and made sure all of our stuff was packed up and ready to go.

At midnight, I woke Matty up, and the two of us took a cab to the airport. Our flight didn’t leave until two, but with security and baggage, we barely made it to our seats on time.

I don’t remember the flight because I passed out the moment my head hit Matty’s shoulder, but I remember waking up. It took less time to get our stuff than it did to give them our stuff, and we hopped into the Range Rover and headed to Sid’s within the hour of arrival—four in the morning.

I made it to Sid’s without a problem, and I just left our stuff in the car. We stumbled inside, and where Matty went into his room downstairs, I trudged my way upstairs and into my own room.

As I kicked off my boots and started the short walk from the doorway to the bed, my heart hurt so much. Sidney . . . I was destroying him, and how easy would it be to make things right? Maybe overall, a relationship wouldn’t be easy, but maybe with him, it would.

Making things right . . . I had to, and all I could think about was being in his arms. Making things right.

So as quietly as I could, I slipped into his bedroom. The door wasn’t shut, which didn’t surprise me. Sidney told me he liked to sleep with his door closed, but he hadn’t closed it since we got here. I guess it was a precaution, so he could hear anything that went on.

It hadn’t been that long since we last cuddled, but it felt like ages. I needed to feel the warmth of his body, even though I would be the one cuddling up to him. Every part of me ached with the realization that he hurt worse than I did, but cuddling helped ease the pain last time.

I slipped my arms around his steaming torso and pressed my body against the back of his. His muscles tensed for a brief moment, but even in his sleep, as my tiny body aligned with his, he just relaxed.

He wasn’t the only one. I smiled into the back of his shoulder and closed my eyes to fall asleep just like this.

Cuddling worked like a charm this time, too. My muscles relaxed, and the pain just sorta melted away.

This could be my forever if I chose to let it be, and at that moment, I decided that it would be.

Sidney and Mika . . . it sounded far too good to be true to me, and maybe Sidney was too good for me, but it didn’t matter. He knew about the darkest parts of my life, knew that I wasn’t good for him, but he still wanted me.

The heart wants what the heart wants.