All I'll Ever Need

It was . . . easier than I expected. The rest of that day, I didn’t say much to anyone.

The nurses and doctors came and went, and the official time of death was two thirty-six pm, March second, 2014.

I was older than I was the first time I lost a parent, and I was more prepared than I realized. The face I had put on for my dad . . . that’s all it was. As soon as we got back to Sidney’s, I broke down in his arms. Matty hated seeing me like this, but the three of us sat on Sid’s couch and just cried.

My heart hurt, but the reality was, I was afraid of the sudden change. Before Sidney, my life wasn’t worth living, but it was routine. Now? I had no idea what I would be doing every day, and now that Dad was gone . . . that would only worsen.

Matty eventually got tired and went to bed, but I curled up on the couch with Sidney and laid there quietly while we watched 21 Jump Street. Neither of us laughed much, but I cracked a few smiles. Mostly, I just enjoyed curling up on the couch while Sidney rubbed his fingers down my arm, held onto me as if nothing in the world was wrong.

There wasn’t a doubt in my mind, not anymore. Sidney and I were gonna be more than just friends by the end of the month.

Assuming he still wanted to be.

Funeral planning was much more complicated than I expected it to be. His mother didn’t want anything to do with planning his funeral, and when I called her to tell her when it was, she yelled at me for even bringing his name back into her life.

With Sidney being on the road, Matty and I took care of things ourselves. Matty wanted to get him in the ground as fast as possible, but in the end, we decided to set one day aside for the viewing and funeral, and the only day they had available for all of that was Saturday.

After that, it was all a waiting game.

Being at Sidney’s house without Sidney was strange. He tried to get us to come with him, but we had too much to do here, and I couldn’t miss that much work and school. Not to mention Matty’s rehab.

It was nice to get back into the normal routine. Going to work and class, dropping Matty off at rehab . . . even going back to our house to get some of our stuff was easier than I expected.

We watched the Pens play on Tuesday and Thursday. I was glad they got back to winning Tuesday against the Predators. Sid needed something to boost his spirits, and on TV, he seemed to be in a better mood than he was at the last game.

Even when they lost against the Sharks, his dismal mood didn’t compare to Saturday. I think he realized things were looking up for us, or maybe he just felt better since I wasn’t going out with Tazer.

We hadn’t even gotten to finish our conversation. Not another word was said about it, but I felt like it needed to be finished. Sidney needed to know that I was in love with him, too.

That’s why Thursday night, when he called in to check up at the airport, I knew I had to say it.

“Hello?”

“How you guys holding up?” Sidney’s very sleepy and sexy voice sounded through the receiver.

“Better than you it sounds like,” I laughed. “You sound so tired.”

“I am so tired.”

I smiled and leaned back against the headboard, briefly looking down at Sid’s sweatshirt I had put on. “Well, how about we take a nap when you get back? A nap sounds pretty damn good.”

“Go to sleep then, goofy,” he said, and he let out an exhausted laugh. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I can’t sleep until I’m sure that you are,” I said.

Sidney let out a sigh. “I’m not the one who just lost my dad.”

“But you are the one who got your heart broken by the girl you love,” I whispered. “And I’m sorry for that, Sidney. Sorry doesn’t really fix it, but it’s a start.”

“I just . . . don’t understand anything that happened that night,” he said. “You went to dinner with Jonathan. I wake up in the morning, and you’re snuggled up next to me. Last I heard, we’re just friends.”

“We’ve never been just friends, Sid,” I sighed.

“Friends don’t sleep together like that,” he said, ignoring what I said so that he could make his point. “So please, Mika, just . . . spare me. I can’t do this back and forth thing.”

I took a deep breath. “I know, Sidney. I know. I’m not gonna make you. I’m . . . sorting through everything, but I know what I want.”

“Well, I’d love to know,” he whispered. “But I’d rather this conversation occur face-to-face.”

“If I get to see your face, I’m totally down.”

I hadn’t expected him to laugh about that, but he did. His laugh, though tired, was much fuller than any other laugh that night, and I felt better.

Sidney was gonna be okay, especially when we had the face-to-face talk about all of this.

“I’ll let you go so you can get some sleep,” I said. “Goodnight, Sidney.”

“Night, Mika,” he breathed. “I . . . probably shouldn’t say this, but I love you. Be safe, and I can’t wait to see you at the airport.”

“Dark and early yet again,” I laughed. “I . . . probably shouldn’t say this either, but I love you, Sidney. Play hard for me tomorrow, and I can’t wait to see you at the airport. Win for me tomorrow, okay?”

I didn’t figure Sidney knew what to say, so with that said, I hung up and laid down on his beyond comfortable bed and almost immediately fell asleep.

Sleeping in Sid’s arms or with Sid in my arms was something that didn’t even take getting used to; it was just naturally wonderful. This bed was just the same.

It was the most comfortable bed I had ever had the pleasure of laying in.

Though the comfort was short lived. I got off the phone with Sidney about midnight, and by one o’clock, my phone was ringing again.

It was an unknown Pittsburgh number, but I figured the best thing I could do would be answer it. If it was Scott, I could record it. If it was a wrong number, I could hang up and go back to sleep.

“Hello?”

“Mika, listen, I know you’re probably still mad at me, but I need your help!” she exclaimed. “I walked in on Chuck fucking another girl, and I told him I was done. Now he’s angry and trying to force me to come back with him. I need somewhere to go. He’s hunting me down.”

“Where are you?” I mumbled. “I’ll come pick you up.”

“I think he’s at your place, so be careful,” she breathed.

I sighed and began rolling out of bed. “Well, I’m fine then, because I’m not.”

There was a long pause on the other end, long enough that I had time to slip into my boots and Sidney’s hoodie, grab Sid’s keys, and walk out the front door after resetting the alarm.

“Where are you?”

“Scott showed back up, and then . . . so Matty and I are staying with Sidney for a while,” I said.

“Just don’t worry about me,” she said. “I’m sure I’ll be okay.”

“Fuck, Suzie, just stop this shit!” I exclaimed. “You won’t even give him a chance! Won’t even see how happy he makes me. Isn’t that what best friends are supposed to want for each other?”

“I don’t need some rich, punk hockey player judging me,” she scoffed. “No thanks.”

“Sidney’s not like that,” I insisted. “If he was so damn judgmental, why the hell would he want to have anything to do with me? For goodness sake, I have a stalker ex-boyfriend, and my dad died of HIV.”

“I . . . .” But she didn’t know what to say. Clearly, she didn’t know about Dad because quite frankly, I didn’t wanna let her know. She had always hated him, so she’d say something along the lines of, “It’s about damn time the fucker stopped holding on.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m . . . by the payphone across the street from the police station,” she said, voice much softer and far less hateful. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, sure thing,” I said, and I barely managed to not throw my phone down after hanging up. I couldn’t, however, because I had to do something I didn’t wanna do.

I had to wake up Sidney.

“Mika, are you okay?”

I let out a breath and smiled. “Yeah, Sid, I’m fine. I really hate doing this—really hate doing this, but Suzie just called.”

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“No,” I admitted, and it felt good to not have to lie to someone. With Matty, every time Suzie did something like this, I had to smile and pretend I was fine, but with Sidney, he knew better. Really, Matty probably knew better, too, but he always felt better whenever I said I was okay.

“What did she want?”

“She finally broke up with Chuck, and he’s gone crazy,” I said. “She asked if she could crash at my place for a bit, and then I told her I wasn’t at my place.”

He took a deep breath. “She can come to mine if she’s not bitching at me the whole time.”

“I don’t think she will,” I promised, and I sighed. “Dad was right. I’m just a huge burden on you.”

“Don’t ever fucking say those words, alright?” he murmured. “Your dad wasn’t right about anything. You’re not a burden. I’m more than happy to take care of you.”

I sighed. “And my druggie best friend?”

“Well . . . if you’re happy, then it’s alright,” he said, and he let out a chuckle. “Will you be happy this way?”

“Being away from Chuck is the best thing that can happen to her,” I said, and a small smile came to my lips. “So yeah, I am.”

He smiled. “Good. Go get her, and call me when you get back home so I know you’re alright, okay?”

“Will do,” I promised. “I’ll try and hurry so you can get back to sleep.”

“Don’t hurry recklessly.”

I laughed and pulled the Range Rover out of the driveway carefully. “Okay. I’ll let you go so I can hit the road safely.”

“Good plan.”

Like Suzie said, she was standing across the street from the police department. It was surprising she hadn’t been brought into the station with the way she looked. Black hoodie pulled over her head, a swollen eye . . . she looked horrible.

I hopped out of the car to give her support as she walked because the moment she stood up, I saw her legs wobble. “Come on, Suze. Let’s get you somewhere safe.”

“Why are you doing this for me?” she breathed. “It’s not like I deserve it.”

“I don’t deserve a lot of things, but even after I broke his heart, Sidney’s still there,” I said. “I don’t deserve him, yet he’s not going anywhere.”

She gave me a halfhearted smile. “You can pretend like it’s Sidney that made you this way, but you’ve always been like this. No matter what I do to you, you’ll do anything for me. So I’d say you actually deserve some of that in return.”

I didn’t agree with her, but we didn’t have time to stall. There was a car approaching way down the road, and if it was Chuck, things might get ugly really fast.

So I got her in, got myself in, and pulled away as fast as I could without looking suspicious.

Though I’m not sure how well I succeeded.

We got back to Sid’s, and I locked the Range Rover up, hurried Suzie inside, and reset the alarm. I checked the volume, checked to make sure it was gonna alert the police if someone broke in, and once I was certain it was all clear, I showed Suzie upstairs to an empty guest room.

She mumbled a thanks under her breath, but I didn’t expect her to do anything more. It had been a rough night for her, and she still had to wrap her head around the fact that she was free. Chuck hadn’t hurt her, and he wouldn’t be able to anymore.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” I whispered, and I disappeared back to Sidney’s room with my phone in hand.

Once the lights were back off and I was snuggled into the warmth of his bed, I called him back.

“I was about to call the Chief, you know,” he immediately picked up, and his voice sounded more relieved than I imagined it would—more awake, too. “Did you find her okay?”

“I did,” I said. “I don’t think we ran into Chuck, so we’re good.”

“Well, to be honest, Chuck wasn’t the one I was worried about you running into,” he whispered, but there was reluctance in his voice. “No signs of him either, right?”

“I don’t think he knows where I am,” I admitted. “And if he does . . . he’s not stupid enough to show up here again, I don’t think.”

“I think you should stay with me longer than you planned,” he said. “With everything that’s happened . . . I can’t imagine you going home next week, like you originally insisted.”

“A lot has changed since then,” I murmured. “I, uh, I’ll let you get back to sleep. I need to get to sleep myself. Tomorrow is gonna be . . . interesting. For the both of us. Don’t forget to win for me.”

He let out a breath before sucking in a much larger one, and I found myself lost in the sounds he emitted. Breathing, everyone did it, but I could listen to him breathe and never get bored. These breaths weren’t normal paced. They sounded . . . excited.

“I couldn’t forget to win for you,” he finally said. “Not after what you said before that. I’m gonna win for you, girl, and I’m gonna come home. We’re gonna get through this weekend, and we’re gonna be okay.”

Though I wasn’t looking forward to this weekend, his words made my heart pound at a fast pace in my chest. It felt so painfully wonderful that I couldn’t wrap my head around it. It was easier to wrap my head around Sidney’s words, and that was saying something.

He was everything I wanted and needed, and we were gonna be okay.

“Sid, we’re gonna be more than okay,” I breathed.

And for the first time, I didn’t doubt that one bit.