In the Shallows

Leaning my head against the wall, I sat upright with my body facing the entrance into my cell with my knees pulled to my chest. The wound on my side ached but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle, the second I had arrived, Carol had stitched it up. I ignored everyone's questions, not wanting to answer partially due to the pissed off state I was currently in. I left T-Dog to explain and I only got angrier when Carol kept pushing into it. I didn't want to talk about it nor did I want to remember it.

My eyes were glued to the little windows that let in the sun, my mind wandering to the past. I thought about everything from my mother to the people that I used to see every day on my way to work. I so desperately wanted out of this world. The more I sat there the more I just wanted to throw myself over the rail. I was over it all, and I know it's all becoming a bit repetitive but it was truth. I kept trying to tell myself that this was all a piece of cake, I had been doing it for more than a year and a half now. But, until anyone lives through it, you don't get it. You don't get the emotional stress and the physical stress. I was just exhausted. It amazed me how much strength these people had, it was just enough to keep me going but I couldn't begin to explain how many times I just wanted to stop running and let them take me as their own.

I put up a huge front on being brave. I wasn't brave. I had never really been all that selfish in my life, I always wanted everyone else to be happy. But, damn it was running through my mind every single day on just letting myself go. But, I couldn't do that to Daryl. As much anger I was holding over his head right now, I could never do that to him. As long as I was breathing, I had to keep fighting. But, deep down inside, I didn't know how much farther I could take it. I was breaking with each day that passed and it scared me.

And with that, I suddenly thought about Merle, where on Earth he could have taken the van and gone. Was he alive? Was he okay? I sort of missed him. Merle Dixon was definitely not someone worth missing but in the back of mind, I couldn't help but feel the need too. At least with him around, he would have beaten into my head to keep on going.

I was brought out of my thoughts at the presence of Daryl standing in the doorway, his bow hanging heavily from his hands, "Hey." His voice was soft, almost like he was afraid to approach me and that he should have been. I was still angry, I was actually furious but I was trying hard to downplay the anger.

"Hi."

He sighed, stepping in, he leaned the weapon against the bed frame. He slid across from me, mimicking my position except his legs were kept straight, "Hershel's gon' be alright." I wanted to look away from him, but I couldn't. Instead, I marveled at his looks, my eyes trailing over his sunken in blue eyes, the crinkles that kissed the corners, the constant worn look, the little mole near his lip, the slight grey hairs grazing his facial hair. Everything about him was beautiful and I partially felt silly to be around him. I swore up and down that I was normal, but the town folk would argue with me till the seasons would pass one by one. I didn't understand how people couldn't see the beauty within Daryl, and even with me being absolutely ticked off, I couldn't help but see it.

I closed my eyes without responding, I chewed on my lip as he sighed again. "Lex," he started, I could hear his shoulder heaving over, "please say something."

My eyes snapped open, he sounded so hopeless, "What do you want me to say, Daryl?" I asked, anger evident in my tongue, "That you should have let me stay back? That this could have happened to anyone? That this never would have happened if you would have just let me make my own decisions?" I closed them again, my tongue running over my bottom lip, "There's nothing for me to say that's going to change how I feel."

"So you think this is my fault?" He snapped, his blue orbs turning sour.

I gritted my teeth, "In a way yes."

He snorted angrily, "I see." He scooted off the bed, his back facing towards me, his elbows resting on his knees, "Why ya push me away earlier?"

I squinted my eyes at him, guilt washing over me slightly, "Because I didn't want to be touched-"

"-bullshit. Is that why T took you back instead of me?"

I swung my legs over the side of the bed too, "Fine." I stood up, facing him, my arms crossed tightly over my chest, "I didn't want you to take me because I do think this is your fault." I inhaled sharply, my eyes narrowing down, "You know what the sick part of it all is? I actually didn't care for a moment if he slit my throat." My jaw clenched, "I'm tired of pretending that I want to fight. I don't, Daryl." I gave an unconvincing laugh, "And then I'm standing there like I can't let him kill me because then what would you do? That's what makes me so angry because even though it was your fault, I still couldn't get over the fact that I would be hurting you too."

Daryl avoided my stare, his jaw clenching, I could tell that he was thinking, thinking real hard on choosing his next words carefully. But I didn't give him a chance to respond, I kept on going, "I love you, God, I love you. But, I can't do this anymore. I can't!" I grabbed at my hair, all of my bottled up feelings spilling out of me, the thoughts that I tried to suppress and keep locked away, all of them just tumbling off my tongue. "I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay with this, I'm not! After the farm, it just ruined all hope, I really believed in Rick, I still do but who's to say this isn't going to be same? Once we get settled, it get's taken away? I never wanted this life, I was okay in the beginning, thinking if I had you, I would be good as golden." I started to choke on the tears that started to stream down my face, "I've been fooling myself, trying to stay optimistic. I really did believe in the positive, I convinced both myself and everyone around me. And then those prisoners," I swallowed thickly, "they snapped me back into what was really going on. It's all about survival of the fittest and in that equation, it's not us," I shook my head, sinking to the floor, "it'll never be us. It's going to be those monsters, people we used to know, people we didn't. We're not the answer, we're just a pawn for the true answer."

He stared me down, his blue eyes icing over, for once I saw who everyone else did. An ill tempered redneck with the ability to strike at those who didn't deserve it. We sat in silence for a few moments before he got up, my eyes watching him carefully. Daryl walked slowly towards me, he held out his hand, urging for me to take it. His strength lifted me up to my feet, his hands finding my face, his thumbs wiping away the tears. His voice hoarse, cracking slightly as he spoke, "Lovin' you is the hardest damn thing I've ever done in my life," Daryl's touch sent tingles down my spine, "ya make me so angry but then I remember why I need ya in my life. I don' even know if that's possible, lovin' to hate someone." He leaned his forehead against mine, his hands dropping down to my waist, he pulled me forward, "Lex, ya ain't weak. You're just scared and I get that but ya can't let it get to you."

My heart fluttered, Daryl wasn't supposed to be acting sweet or gentle, he was supposed to be throwing a damn fit because I was giving up and I blamed him for what happened. I felt a few more tears fall, "It already has," I squeaked, "I'm broken."

He shook his head, "No, you aren't." He pulled away slightly, getting a better look into my tear filled eyes. "It was my fault, Lex. I promised I was gonna keep you safe and let no one hurt ya but that's all I've been doin' is breaking that one promise. All I do is hurt ya, whether it's me or someone else." Daryl inhaled deeply, "I caused you to feel this way."

I pulled away from his touch, my eyes squinting, the tears blurring my vision slightly, "You have kept me safe, Daryl. No one else could have done this any better." I cupped his face, the anger washing from my body as I stared into those eyes, his body tensing from my touch, "I'm not like you, I'm not brave, fearless, strong-"

"-sh," Daryl's lips met mine in a matter of seconds, his hands tangling in my hair, the desperation was clear as day. I just wanted to melt, so much emotion went into that kiss that I almost couldn't handle it. He pulled apart, his thumbs brushing over my cheek bone, "I wouldn' be who I am without ya, Lex. There ain't a me without ya." He closed his eyes, his lips brushing against mine for a second before he spoke up again, "I can't lose you. It makes my head spin thinkin' of what life would be without ya. Ya can't check out, Lex. You're my reason for even tryin'."

My lips parted, my throat going dry, "I don't think you realize just how much I love you."
He shook his head, "No, you don't know." Daryl pulled me close to him, his breath tickling my neck as he reached down to press his lips against the spot between my collarbone. "Do you forgive me?"

I shuddered in his grasp, my hands grabbing a fistful of his vest as I breathed out, "Yes."