In the Shallows

After I had been reassured that the baby was perfectly fine, we huddled back up by the cars to go over what we were going to do with Merle. Personally, I didn’t want him back at the prison. Not with the baby. I knew that Daryl was going to use the family card on me but to be honest, after the stunt he pulled with me; he was nothing but mud on the bottom of my shoes. I didn’t trust him anymore.

Rick pressed his lips together, clearly wanting to see the logic in Daryl’s words. “It won’t work.” He placed his hands on his hips, walking in a circle, probably trying to imagine how it would go down.

“It’s gotta’,” Daryl spoke.

“It’ll stir things up,” he said firmly.

Daryl took a step forward, his hand resting on the strap of his crossbow, “Look, the Governor is probably on the way to the prison right now.” He looked towards me and then back at Rick, “Merle knows how he thinks, we could use the muscle.”

Maggie shook her head, “I’m not having him at the prison –“

“-he had a gun to our heads,” Glenn interrupted, motioning to the three of us. “You really want him sleeping in a cell block with us, with Beth or Carol?”

“He ain’t a rapist,” Daryl spat.

Glenn snarled back, “Well his buddy is.”

“They ain’t buddies no more, not after last night.”

Rick sighed, his hands were clearly tied. I pursed my lips, my eyes locking onto the ground, “There’s no way Merle is going to be able to live with us without everyone getting riled up.” I wasn’t exactly thrilled that Rick was slightly considering it but everyone else would be a tough sell.

“She’s got a point, Daryl.”

“So, what? You gon’ cut Merle loose and bring the last samurai home with us?” Daryl was getting agitated and I couldn’t believe that he actually wanted to bring him to the prison with us. After everything we just went through, he was still playing on the fantasy that Merle coming home with us was going to be a perfect ending.

Rick looked towards the dark skinned woman who I had yet to meet standing by the car a few feet back. “She’s not coming back with us.”

Maggie was quick to intervene, “She’s not in the state to be on her own.”

Glenn agreed, “She did bring you guys to us.”

“And then ditched us,” Rick pointed out.

I kind of felt sorry for her, I crossed my arms, looking back towards her, “At least let Hershel stitch her up. She’ll be walker bait and by the looks of her, she can handle her own when she’s up and ready.”

Rick shook his head, “She’s too unpredictable.”

“That’s right, we don’ know who she is. But, Merle? Merle’s blood.”

I closed my eyes, my jaw clenched, “No, Merle is your blood.”

Glenn took a step forward, “Alex is right. My blood, my family is standing right here and waiting for us back at the prison.”

“And you’re part of that family, but he’s not.” I added, my hands coming undone from my chest, “How can you stand there and look at Glenn’s face without feeling any kind of resentment towards Merle? I look at Glenn and I get pissed, extremely pissed off. So pissed off I want to take this gun and shove it so far up – “

“-Alex,” Rick warned.

I clamped my mouth shut, taking in a deep breath, I continued, “What about me? What about me, Daryl? How can you look directly into my eyes and look past all of the damage your fucking brother did to me?” I took a step forward, my finger pressing hard into his chest, “And after what he did to you? For fucks sake, you’d think if him putting his hands on us wouldn’t do it, it would at least take him hitting you one last time to say screw you.”

Rick placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me back, he guided me towards Glenn before he turned to Daryl, “I want to let him in because he is your brother but my hands are tied.”

“Man, ya’ll don’ even know.” They stared at each other for a few seconds before he lowered his head and grunted, “Fine. We’ll fend for ourselves.”

“That’s not what we were saying,” Glenn breathed.

“No him. No Me.” I jerked in my place, what did he just say? He looked at me before back at Rick, he shifted in his place. “It was always Merle and I before this.”

I felt like I had been hit in the chest with a cannon ball, I guess I wasn’t part of this magical equation of Daryl and Merle. I watched as the four of them argued over Daryl leaving the group all because of Merle. I shook my head in shock as he started to walk away towards Merle; he was going to choose his brother over me? In normal situations, yeah, I would understand. But, this wasn’t a normal situation and it was for Merle; a low life piece of shit who took his licks at two people that Daryl cared about without thinking twice. I watched as Rick followed after him, trying to find a way to keep Daryl from leaving.

“There’s gotta be another way.”

Daryl stopped walking, “Don’t ask me to leave him. I already did that once.”

Rick rubbed his jaw before catching up to him again, “We started something last night, you realize that, huh?”

“No him, no me. That’s all I can say.” They both reached the car; he opened the trunk and started to fiddle with something. “Take care of yourself; take care of lil ass-kicker. Carl, he’s one tough kid.” He placed a backpack on his shoulder and closed the trunk, looking over towards me, he hollered, “Come on Lex!”

I could feel the blood coursing through my veins, if looks could kill; Daryl would’ve dropped dead. I marched over towards him, my jaw locked, “No.”

“No? What ya mean, no.”

I scoffed, “You really think I’m coming with you? Coming with Merle?” I looked up at the sky to keep tears from rolling down my face. I couldn’t believe him right now. He was willing to throw away safety for the sake of his brother. He was out of his mind. “I’m not going anywhere with you, Daryl.”

He stood there staring at me, his eyes scanning over my face. He was probably looking for a notion that I was just putting up a front, but I wasn’t. For once in my life, I felt like I didn’t need him. It broke my heart because I always wanted to feel like I needed him but he was jeopardizing my safety because of Merle. I didn’t want to leave Rick and the rest of them; I had spent countless amounts of time with them. Why would I ever want to leave? Why would I ever choose Merle over the people who have kept me safe and would die to do so?

“You really ain’t comin’ with me?”

My chest was sinking, “Why would I?”

Daryl shifted in his place, his teeth scraping against his bottom lip. He looked hurt by my words and it made my insides burn to see him so confused and hurt. “Lex,” he paused, his eyes squinting at me.

I shook my head, flinching from his attempt to touch me. “Don’t Lex me, Daryl. Don’t walk away from me, from us. Don’t throw everything you’ve worked for, for him.”

“He’s my brother.”

“What am I?” I nodded in defeat after a minute or two of him not responding. I took a step back, tears rolling down my face. I jerked from his reach when he realized what he had done. I turned to walk away, my heart shattered into pieces as I walked back towards Glenn and Maggie. I stopped halfway to turn around, determined to keep my voice from faltering. “I don’t need you anymore.” I didn’t need him to survive physically but I wanted to believe that I didn’t need him to survive mentally and that was something that I wasn’t so sure of. I turned around just in time to see him disappear into the trees and at that moment my knees gave out and I fell against the concrete. My chest burned as I sobbed for him. I felt Maggie wrap her arms around me and it only made me cry harder because I wanted it to be his arms around me. I think it hurt so much because he didn’t fight me, he didn’t try. Maybe if he had, I wouldn’t be in this much pain.