In the Shallows

We all sat around the fire, watching it dwindle down into nothing, I could only imagine the kind of thoughts that were running through all our heads. I know mine weren't exactly sane, but I had to keep telling myself that everything will be okay, even though I know-we are probably far from things being okay. I was surprised at how long it's been since Daryl had last spoken to me. I knew that he wanted too, I could see it every time we'd lock eyes, but I was serious. He didn't have to apologize to Andrea, but he had to at least apologize to me. I had known him a long time and whenever I told him he had to apologize, he normally did within the first few hours. He admitted one time that he hated not talking to me. Which always struck me as odd, Daryl hated talking.

After we had burned and buried the bodies, we were all waiting for our next move, wondering whether or not this C.D.C place was our best bet. It was a hundred or so miles further out and we'd have to siphon for gas and I wasn't exactly too keen on going back out there. Although, being on this camp wasn't any better. My head turned towards the sound of Shane and Rick coming up from their sweep.

Shane started, setting down his gun, he took a seat, "I've been, I've been thinking about Rick's plan. Now look, there are no guarantees either way. I'll be the first one to admit that. I've known this man for a long time, and I trust his instincts." Funny that he said that, considering he was banging Lori before Rick ever showed up. No one else knew but me, I had seen it by accident when I was out trying to find squirrels. Was it sadistic of me to not be able wait when that was out in the open? He looked around the group, his eyes settling down on everyone, "I say the most important thing here is we need to stay together. So for those of you who agree, we leave first thing in the morning."

I stood up from the fold up chair I was sitting in, "I'm going to take a little walk."

Shane narrowed his eyes, giving me a look like I was stupid. "You really think that's a good idea right now? Weren't you listening at all?"

I nodded, "I heard you. I just need to clear my head and I think after what just happened, I'm entitled too."

Daryl cleared his throat, dropping the pickax, he picked up his crossbow, "I'll go with her." He followed closely behind me until we reached the woods, tearing away from my side, he started to mutter, "I hate how ya always do this to me."

I pursed my lips, my arms crossed, "Hm?"

He sighed, "Look, I'm sorry, Lex. Sorry for not understandin'. My brain ain't all there, ya know? I'm worried 'bout Merle and all that happened. I can't lose you too."

I groaned, turning to face him, I gave him my best annoyed face. "I hate how you always do that. Make me feel all shitty for making you apologize to me." I crossed my arms again, we had such a crazy kinetic pull on each other and it drove me absolutely wild. I sucked in air, "Merle's gonna be fine, Daryl."

He gave me a sideways glance, "Ya forget I can read ya like a damn book, Lex. I know you know he won't be fine."

I sighed, "Gotta be optimistic." I stepped forward, bringing my hand up to his face which he flinched, a small smile graced my lips. I ran my thumb over his cheek, underneath that stubble, he had such soft skin. "That's how I made it this far."

"Ya made it this far 'cause of me." He snorted.

I nodded, "Yeah, but I stayed positive." I swallowed hard, staring into his eyes like this brought a flood of feelings that I had suppressed the second they washed over me so many years ago. I pulled my hand back, stepping back away from him, "Do you ever wonder what life would be like without me? I mean like if we never met?"

He shrugged, "Quiet. Peaceful-hey-" I smacked him on the arm and he responded with a chuckle, "I dunno, Lex. I don' think 'bout stuff like you do. It'd prolly been boring. Ya prolly the only one amusing thing in my life."

I gave a half smile, "My life sure would be boring. I mean who else would take me on a hunting trip and get me lost for a week."

"Jesus, woman. Let. It. Go." He snapped.

I laughed, "I can't."

He growled, "And why can't ya?"

I stopped laughing, looking down at my hands, "Because." I sighed, "It's one of my favorite memories of you."

Daryl squinted his eyes, giving me a look, "What?"

I gave a nervous chuckle, "I don't know, Daryl. It's just one of those moments that I got to see the real you. It was just you and I out there, no Merle, no one but just us. You let the real you shine through and since then I haven't really seen it. Why do you think I stick around and accept your shitty apologies? Because I know what the real you is like."

I felt his hand on my jaw, bringing my face close to his, "Lex, this world ain't meant for us. We dig deeper into this lil' crush of yours and it'll kill us both."

I pulled away from his hand, my brows knitting together, "Wha?" That threw me off guard.

He sighed, "Ya deserve better, Lex."

I looked away, staring off into the trees. Listening to the birds and squirrels carry on as if this world wasn't done and over with. I envied them. I wanted to pretend, to be naive, and to be sheilded from this kind of new life. I wanted death to take me. I wanted to greet it like an old friend, like Harry did. God, I miss those books. There was a lot of things I missed. But, I wasn't naive, I wasn't sheilded, and I wasn't going to greet death anytime soon. I looked back towards Daryl, my eyes scanning over his face, confused on how he had figured me out. I didn't even want to like him that kind of way.