Old Crush

I tried to listen to her as she spoke, but it was so hard to concentrate when, sitting just across the table, was the most beautiful girl I'd ever fucking seen.

Ever since I was thirteen, since I knew what feelings and crushes were, I thought Taylor was pretty. Hot, even. But I was going through a weird growth spurt and got more awkward-looking and we were best friends and I didn't have the courage to ask her out. Plus it might make things... weird, if she said no. I still wanted her as a friend.

But then she moved away to her own place and my band took off and we drifted apart. I often thought of her, called her when I had the chance maybe, or she'd shoot me an email when she wasn't busy with university and work and other friends. But it wasn't often. Once a month at best. Soon after I turned twenty though, and Warped Tour was over, the band was heading through NY for a show and three days' break. It sounded heavenly. I got on the phone to Tay as soon as I heard it was official and we had a hotel booked. She sounded overjoyed, insisting we meet for a catch-up meal. A simple dinner, but someplace really nice. It sounded perfect to me.

I didn't think I'd still have some teenage crush on her. Really, I didn't. I'd dated a little bit, sort of, since All Time Low took off. I'd made stupid mistakes in fucking a few girls on the road, but I was always satisfied, which was really the whole point. I hadn't really had intense feelings for anyone in my life, unless a crush on Tay counted from practically childhood... but when I set eyes on her in the restaurant, I was shocked at her beauty. She'd matured into a really gorgeous young lady, and it made my tummy flip. She was wearing this white lacy tank-top and a black skirt, with a pair of glittery silver Vans. Simple, almost boyish, but cute. It looked perfect. She looked perfect. Her hair was longer than I remembered, sitting down straight on her chest with blonde dyed into the ends.

I hoped people around us thought we were on a date, a proper one. I wanted them to think she was mine.

We talked about childhood memories and games we used to play all through dinner, laughing at the thought of some. Good times, they were. The longer I spent with her, the stronger my previous feelings became. I'd forgotten about my crush, but it hadn't went away. Just buried itself beneath thoughts of sex with blonde porn-stars, a daydream that was totally out of my head as I looked at Tay. I didn't want anyone else, not even for a hook-up, not even the sexiest girl in the world. None of them would compare.

I savoured the time I had with her, ordering hot chocolates after dessert just to buy more time. I didn't want the night to end, ever. This was the best not-a-date date I'd ever had in my life.

We had to leave the restaurant eventually though. Instead of getting a cab, I insisted on walking her home. Partly to be with her for longer, partly because I liked that I could place my arm around her shoulders against the chilly late evening air.

Swallowing thickly, I turned the thought over and over in my head before I finally broke the silence with it.

"Y'know, when I was thirteen, I got this huge-ass crush on you," I blurted, finally, but the words didn't come out as practiced as I wanted them to.

"Oh yeah?" she grinned, eyes shining up at me.

"Yeah," I confirmed, my voice a little softer. "It was so bad, it was so typical too, your fucking typical teen crush even though we'd been friends for years. I blushed when you said things sometimes and got the butterflies in my tummy and got all shaky when you hugged me..."

"Wow," Tay said, just as quiet. "I had no idea."

"Really? I thought it was so obvious, I felt like such a dork, but at the same time, I hoped you didn't know."

"I really didn't," she shook her head, smiling a little.

She broke our gaze, looking ahead as we walked, but she still had this lingering smile. I wondered what she was thinking.

"I had a little crush on you too, at some point," Tay added, so soft yet so sudden I wasn't sure if she'd actually said it.

"You... you did?" I was bewildered, truly.

"Yeah, for real," she nodded. "I had the blushing and the butterflies and the shakes too."

She was smiling up at me again, and I could hear the blood drumming in my ears, through my whole body, butterflies escaping my stomach and swimming through every fucking vein. It made me shiver.

"I think maybe I still do," I whispered, almost choking out the sentence, almost cutting it off in case I made a fool of myself.

I knew I'd feel a bigger fool going back to the hotel after keeping quiet. I could picture it. I'd trail into my temporary bed and give Alex the saddest sigh, slump of the shoulders when he asks how it went. I didn't want that. I didn't want to fall asleep knowing she could meet another boy any time, any place. He'd sweep Tay off her feet and I would never know how her lips tasted.

She blinked at me after I spoke, stopping us in the darkening street to stand in front of me. Gently toying with my fingers, she didn't say more, but the look on her face invited me to keep talking anyway.

"Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" I choked out that time, torn between stoppering my mouth and just letting the words come as they may.

There was an agonising few seconds where all she did was look at our fingers tangling together, expression unreadable. I felt my stomach convulse, heart jumping into my throat, legs quaking. It was almost a sickly feeling, an urge to throw up making my tongue seem swollen. I knew she could feel my hands sweating.

I was the fool after all.

Until she smiled.