Northern Wind

“Favorite color?”

“Blue, definitely blue.” I nodded as I took a long sip from the hot, brown, frothy, liquid in my mug. Tugging my sleeves down more, I looked up the man across from me and smiled, feeling a blush start to creep onto my lips. “Not that blue,” I joked as he batted his eyelashes, trying to get me to admit that his eyes were stunning.

He pouted at me, his lips not being able to maintain the stretch downward for too long. After a minute or so, he let out a loud laugh and then leaned back in his chair, extending his bad leg out and throwing one hand behind his head as the other ran a finger around the rim of his coffee mug. “Go ahead, it’s your turn to ask a question.” He hummed, looking up at me quickly before dropping his eyes back down to the table.

“Hmm.” I tapped my finger against my chin as I kept my lip pressed into a thin line. Looking around the coffee shop, I let my eyes fall onto a couple at another table, their hands resting on one another as they sipped from their large mugs.

The pit of my stomach knotted as thoughts swarmed my head, instantly wiping the smile off of my face no matter how hard I tried to stop it. Derek had helped me so much over the last two days. He stayed with me the whole day, even if I didn’t want to leave the house, and tried to get me to cheer up. He dealt with my spells of crying, my rants about how unfair life was, and then my moments of clarity when I would realize that I should drop everything, absolutely everything and move on.

“Hey,” Derek’s hand reached across the table and grabbed mine that was not flat against the wooden tabletop. “Where’s that question, huh?”

Looking up into his eyes, I nodded a little and forced a smile across my lips. Pushing all of the poisoning thoughts to the back of my head, I sucked in a deep breath and nodded a little. “If there was one team you would want to play for other than the Rangers, what would it be?”

“Oh!” He smiled brightly at me and nodded, using his other hand to awkwardly rub his chin. “That’s such a tough question, really, I have no idea. I want… I want to say… Maybe Chicago?”

Nodding, I took a sip of my coffee and looked up at him. “Should have said
The Sens.”

“Oh, come on now, that’s not fair. We’re of different nationalities, I can’t stray from my homeland.”

“Blah, blah,” I whispered, waving my free hand back and forth for a moment before Derek’s laugh caused my own to creep up my throat and trickle past my teeth. Shaking my head, I placed both of my hands back on my mug and sucked in a deep breath, making sure I didn’t let my eyes wander over to the table on the far side of the room. I didn’t need to see couples, I didn’t need to think about things, and people, and everything else.

Derek and I fell back into a comfortable silence as we continued to drink our coffees. I kept the sleeves of my sweater down passed my most of my hands, only letting the tips of my fingers peek out from the black knit fabric. My legs were crossed, my right knee hitting the underside of the table, and my feet were wrapped in a pair of sneakers. It was nice to be dressed and out of the apartment again.

Once we were finished with our drinks, Derek leaned across the table and moved his head around until I couldn’t help but to smile and lock my eyes with his. “What’s up, gimpy?” I joked as he faked hurt and slapped a hand over his chest.

“I was thinking grocery shopping, breakfast for dinner, the game, and then some ice cream.”

“Shouldn’t you be watching your figure, I know the guys always have pretty strict diets during the season.” I hummed, trying not to sound like an asshole but legitimately concerned about his training. After he smiled up at me, a genuine smile that flashed all of his teeth, he nodded and then pushed himself away from the table.

“I’ve had my jaw wired for a really long time, I still have fifteen pounds to put back on, I can eat as many pancakes as I want.” He joked rubbing his hand over his stomach and then standing up, using the table as a temporary crutch.

Quickly getting up, I grabbed the crutches he had been using and waked them over to him, letting him hold onto my shoulder as he took the metal poles and then carefully slipped them under his arms. Adjusting himself with them a few times, he gave me a huge smile and then a nod that we could head back out of the shop.

Stepping into the cool air, I held the door open for him and then kept my pace slow to match his. “Sorry I have to struggle around with these.” Derek gave me a sad smile as the rhythmic sound of the crutches filed the air. “On long walks I can’t hobble around on my own. I’m almost healed but walking this long without some help would just push my date back.”

“I don’t care at all,” I sent him a smile, “Besides, it’s nice to take your time walking around instead of running through the crowds like everyone else.”

“So peculiar,” the brunette chuckled and then took a deep breath and looked over at me. “Feeling better today?”

“Much, much.”

“Ready to stop stepping on Brassy’s heart?” He sent me a sideways glance.

“Funny.” I hummed as I thought back to the unanswered text messages and the days of me ignoring his very existence. It took my heart and twisted it into a tight knot, but a part of me couldn’t bear to think about it. I couldn’t even begin to believe that he knew that the guy I loved, the guy I was going to fucking marry, cheated on me.

Anger swelled in my stomach and then faded away. I inhaled deeply, and then exhaled slowly, letting my eyes flutter shut in the process.

What was the point in being angry anymore? What could I do? What could I say? There was absolutely nothing I could do to justify it. I couldn’t confront him, I couldn’t scream or cry or tear my hair out over it. It wasn’t worth it.

He wasn’t worth it.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Christa?” Derek’s hand hit my shoulder causing me to jerk out of my thoughts and crash back into reality. Humming, I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth and looked over at him, nodding a little as his bright blue eyes caught mine. “Lying to me, ouch.”

“Oh Der, I’m just… I’m fine. Let’s just hit up the Whole Foods by the apartment and yeah… Okay?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Nodding, I looked over at the brunette and smiled a little, squinting my eyes as the sun poured into them. Scrunching my nose, I watched as he looked over at me and then put on a huge smile.

“You're so cute.”

My heart fluttered.



The kitchen was a complete mess by the time we were done cooking. Pancake batter was smeared across the counter, chocolate chips and blueberries were scattered across the floor, and eggshells littered the sink. All of the utensils used to make the food were dirty and lying around the counter, and then there was us, covered in powder, sitting at the island with two full plates of food and of course, two mugs of coffee.

“Can I say,” Derek began as he wiped some powder off of my face when I looked over at him, “That I have never made this much of a fucking mess in my life.” He ended in a laugh, his hand wiping the powder from my face off on his already dirty jeans. “Thanks.”

Smiling up at him as I tore a piece from my pancake, I nodded my head and then straightened my back, chewing the food in my mouth as I swayed back and forth. As the blueberries and chocolate chips mixed with the buttery cake in my mouth, I let out a long groan and then leaned into the man’s shoulder.

“These are the best pancakes ever.”

“Chocolate and blueberries are perfect already, but add cake and butter, shit.” Derek let out a loud laugh as I nodded and then pressed my forehead into his arm, feeling the muscles flex uncomfortably against my face.

Joking about how flabby his arm was, he gasped and then looked over at me, mid taking a sip from his mug. “Ouch, Chris, that really hurts my heart. I’m not talking about your flabby arms.” He snickered, as now it was my turn to gasp and act hurt.

“For your information I do not have flabby arms, I have to keep them in tip-top shape to maintain my ink.”

“Ink!” Derek let out a howl of a laugh as he threw his head back and slammed his hand against the countertop. “You, have ink?”

“I totally do, you asshole!” I laughed as I pulled down the neck of my loose sweater so I could poke my shoulder out. Looking down at the compass on my shoulder, I smiled and then looked up at the man who was staring at me, eyes wide.

Whispering that I wasn’t lying, he nodded his head and then quickly turned back to his food, taking his fork and stabbing a few pieces of his scrambled eggs. Mid chew, he looked back over at me and nodded his head. “Got anymore?”

“Not to show to the likes of you.” I huffed and then watched as he rolled his eyes and sent me a smirk.

“I’m sure Derick’s seen them, then.”

“He has.” I whispered, my cheeks flashing a bright red as I felt my shoulders hunch forward. “It’s not like that, not like that at all.” I quickly blurted out, my heart racing in my chest as I thought about exactly what Derek was trying to get at. “He’s my best friend, he’s been pulling me through my shitty life for as long as I can remember, I would have been dead years ago if it weren’t for him, ya’ know?” I could feel my body pulsing. “I love that man to death.”

“So you’re not mad at him anymore?”

“No, I am.” I stated matter-of-factly, “I’m furious, but… What can I do?”

“That is exactly what I wanted you to say,” Derek gave me a huge smile and then pressed a friendly kiss onto my forehead before digging back into his food. Grumbling, I looked down at my plate and sucked in a huge breath before picking at my pancakes.

It was hard to accept everything piled on top of everything else in such a short period of time. If Derick would have told me this in a year, it would have stung less, I would have handled it better, and moved on faster. But not being over Jake’s death, the cancellation of our wedding, the horrible memory of the phone call and the funeral, the nights sleeping in bed alone and having to throw away or donate most of his things, it just made it all hurt more.

I wanted to go back to what I had, what Derick and I had. I wanted to lay my head on his stomach and watch stupid movies; I wanted to make fun of his chubby cheeks and scruffy hockey beard. I wanted to talk about the strupid things we did when we were younger, older, and all of the things we could do now that we were in New York. I wanted to go to a game wearing his jersey, and I wanted to see the euphoric pleasure on his face when he knocked one in.

My heart throbbed in my chest. I had lost my appetite, I had lost my care to move or look over at the man next to me. I wanted Derick back as my best friend. I didn’t want to look at him and think about Jake; think about how he betrayed me, how he took the secret to his grave. I didn’t want to think of Laura, I didn’t want to think about how she managed to fuck everything up, even after he was gone.

Blinking tears out of my eyes, I quickly stood up from my seat and grabbed my plate. Setting it down near the sink., I quickly walked back into the living room, just about to head into the hallway when I felt something catch my wrist and jerk me back until I was wrapped in a tight hug, my face pressed into a strong chest.

Tears soaking into the soft fabric of his shirt, a sob passed my lips as I shook my head and wrapped my arms tightly around him. “I’m sorry,” I whispered my body shaking for a minute. “I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why… I just… I ruined this again. We were having so much fun.”

“No, stop,” Derek pulled me out of his chest and took my face in his hands, running his tough thumbs over my cheeks. “This is normal, do you understand that? You have been through so much shit in the last couple months, and you’re fine, you’re okay. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, Chris. Don’t apologize for breaking down like this, you have every right too.”

Nodding, I pressed my face back into Derek’s chest and stayed there for a while. I let the self-loathing thoughts I had toward myself pass. I let the urge to throw myself onto the floor and throw a tantrum, pass. I let all of the negative thoughts and actions I could do, swell in my stomach, and then fade away.

It wasn’t worth it, it all wasn’t worth it anymore.

I was being selfish, I was letting him kill me.

It wasn’t fair to Derick, it wasn’t fair to John, it wasn’t fair to me.

I had suffered enough, I have been through enough shit in my life, I didn’t deserve this.

But it was so hard to just let it go.

“Hey, can I give you some words of advice that you really don’t want.” Derek whispered as he let me go and grabbed his plate of food from the counter. Shoving some eggs into his mouth, he pointed his fork at me. “Call him.”

“Call him!” I shouted, my eyes bulging at the thought of awkwardly talking to the man I had been ignoring for nearly two weeks. “You’re insane.”

“More or less.” Derek shrugged, taking another huge scoop of food before setting the plate down and then walking into the living room and grabbing my cell phone. Holding it out to me, he sent me a wide smile and then swallowed the food in his mouth. “Listen, I’m saying this as a friend and his teammate. The man’s been a mess. He can’t skate, he can’t pass, he can barely hold his attention long enough to make it down the ice. He can’t function with you ignoring him like this. It’s killing him, and it’s killing the line.”

I pressed my teeth together and looked up at him from under his eyelashes. “You just want him to play better.”

“And you don’t?” His eyes locked onto mine, and as I peered into the oceans of bright blue, I felt my shoulders slump as my fingers tightened around my cell phone.

Instead of sitting down in the kitchen and dialing Derick’s number, I swallowed hard and without looking up at the brunette, I headed into the living room, and then down the hall and into my room. Quietly shutting the door behind me, I looked around at the four walls, shutting my eyes tightly, and bit down roughly on my bottom lip.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to greet him, how to breathe, how to even work my phone. My eyes were wide, my head was in a tsunami of thoughts, and my limbs were numb. What would he say? Would he even answer? Would he even care?

Did he care anymore?

Was what Derek told me true? Was he still torn over this, broken, dismantled?

Hands trembling, I unlocked my phone and quickly scrolled through a few numbers until I came across the number I haven’t thought about calling in days. There were tons of messages that I had not responded to from this number, but I had never once thought I would be sitting here calling him.

“He’s not going to answer,” I breathed as I blinked the ache from the back of my eyes. “It’s… I just… It’s stupid.” I was shaking. “I shouldn’t do this.”

I pressed my fingers into my eyes. My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty, and right as I was about to throw my phone into the nearest wall, I slammed it down on my bed, let out a small sigh, and then picked it up again.

Heart in my throat, I quickly unlocked the phone, hit his number, pressed the small phone icon, and then pressed the phone to my ear, listening at the rings tore through my head, causing sweat to roll down form my hairline.

Breathing through my mouth, I felt my lips slowly start to chap as I waited for the answering machine to pick up. Just when I thought it would, a muffled noise came through the other end, and then a long sigh.

“Yeah, hello?” I paused, afraid to speak. Did he see the number? Did he know it was me? Heart racing, I went to pull the phone away from my face and hang up when I remembered who I was talking to.

This was Derick Brassard. He was the reason I was still alive. He was the reason that I had been happy for most of my life. He always looked out for me, always tried to protect me, no matter what. No matter how much it killed him, he made sure my happiness came first.

“Der?”

The phone fell silent. It felt like hours ticked by before the man on the other end cleared his throat and let a loud thud of a heavy door closing sound in the background.

“Chris?” He whispered. I could see his wide brown eyes, lips trembling, cheeks tinted pink as he stood in the hallway in front of the locker room. His hair was probably wet and messy, his body was probably wrapped in under armor, and I could just picture his rough hands running over his face.

Nodding, I felt my body drop back against my bed. Running my free hand over the dark blue chevron sheets he had bought for me, I shut my eyes and sighed.

“I’m sorry Der.”

“No, Chris, you shouldn’t be sorry about anything.” The brunettes voice shook.

“I am, I had no right…. I shouldn’t have shut you out like that. I treated you like garbage and… I… It wasn’t your fault.” Tears were streaming down my face as I felt my stomach knot tightly. “I love you Der, I love you so much. I owe you my life. Without you I’d be nothing, and I’m sorry it took me locking myself in my room for a week and having daily break downs with Derek to realize that I over reacted.”

“You didn’t… I… I should have told you Christa. I should have never let you go one without knowing what I knew. I was your best friend and I kept that from you. I… You have every right to be mad at me.”

I shut my eyes tight, trying to push his words through my head as quick as possible. I didn’t want anything to sway my decision. I didn’t want to fall back into the seething hatred I had toward him for keeping this from me. He did it because he couldn’t bear to see me upset. He did it because he wanted to see me happy, even if it killed him.

“I don’t. You kept it from me for a good reason. Honestly, there would be a good chance I wouldn’t have believed you anyway.” I breathed, feeling my blood start to run hot through my body. “I should have never chose him over you, Der.”

“Are we okay now, Christa?”

“Of course, Derick.” I breathed, my eyes opening to see the brunette smiling from my doorway. “I love you, my little croissant.” His airy laugh filled the other end of the phone.

“I always hated that.”

“I know.”

“I love you to death, Chris.” He hummed. “Are you going to watch the game tonight?”

“Better score one for me, okay?”

“Anything for you.”

Smiling, I sat up and glanced up at the brunette a few times before smiling and then looking down at my feet. “Call me after the game, okay?”

“I can’t wait.”

“Good luck, Brass.” I hummed.

“Love ya’, Chris.” He sang back and then we both whispered a small goodbye and hung up. Placing the phone down next to me on my bed, I let out a long sigh and then felt a smile force it’s way onto my face.

Smiling wide, the brunette from my doorway waddled into my room and then tackled me back into my sheet, ruffling my hair as he sang about Derick and I k-i-s-s-i-n-g in a tree. Lightly punching his arm, he let out another loud laugh and then rolled off to the side and looked over at me with bright eyes.

As we stood there in silence, he swallowed hard, his smile slowly retracting into a serious thin line. “Brass is one lucky man.”

“Why is that?” I asked, blinking a few times as the dim light in my room reflected in Derek’s clear blue eyes.

“I’d give anything in the world to have someone like you in my life.”

“Well jokes on you, gimpy.” I smiled up at him and pressed my pointer finger to his nose, “I am in fact in your life, right here.” I pulled my finger from his nose and then pointed it at myself, watching as the man stuck that huge smile back on his face.

“Babysitting you was the best idea the guys had ever had.”

“I would have to agree.” I whispered and then watched as Derek propped himself up onto his elbow and sucked in a deep breath. Eyes locked on mine, he went to speak when I felt my eyes drop down to his lips, and then quickly snap back to his.

Muscles tightening, I watched as his eyes snapped back to mine from my lips, and then took on the same frightened and hollow look mine had.

What the fuck, what the fuck was I doing?

“Is is bad?” He whispered, not finishing his question as his eyes continued to barrel into mine. My heart was racing, my lungs felt broken, and my mind was racing. What was I doing? What were we doing? Sure, Derek had amazing eyes, a strong body, a nice face, and pulled me out of a spiraling depression, but did I want to do this?

Did I really want to kiss him?

Or did I just want to feel a kiss again. It had been so long, the feeling was foreign to me again.

“No.” I breathed and felt every inch of my skin turn to boiling lava as Derek’s hand slipped onto the side of my face. Leaning in, I closed the small gap between us and then felt my heart pop in my chest as his soft lips collided aganst mine.

A minute passed, and when we pulled away, we both stared at each other, confusion running over out features.

“I’m sorry.” We both whispered at the same time.

Blinking a few times, we both opened out mouths to speak, and then started to laugh. Rolling onto our backs, Derek grabbed my hand, kissed my knuckles, and then set it back down against the sheets, his fingers not breaking form mine.

“Make believe that didn’t happen?” He questioned, his eyebrows pinched in the center of his forehead.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

The only bad part was that I missed that feeling, and I wanted more.