Live Through This

Gerard's POV

I woke up to a bright ass light shining in my face. Not again, I thought. This was getting really old, really fast. The Chemo wasn’t working, I just knew it. Nobody was in the room, not even Frank who was always there when I woke up. Something was off about this room. It didn’t look how it usually did. My heart began to race; I was scared. A man, the doctor I was going with, walked into the room.

“Ah, Mr. Way,” he said, voice soothing, yet edgy at the same time like all doctors’ voices. “You’re awake.”

“W-where am I?” I sounded drunk. They had me all doped up, and I hated the feeling of not being in control of what happened with me. There was a tube coming from my neck and another in my arm. I was in pain despite being heavily medicated.

I heard him sigh. “You are in the UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles, California. We put you in a medically induced coma for three days after the incident with the vomiting blood.” I nodded slowly, still a little lost. “The tube in your neck is your feeding tube. We can have it removed tomorrow if you are up to eating anything, though you will be on an all liquid diet for the time being.”

This guy sounded very tired, like he had been up all night. He probably hadn’t considering he worked at a hospital. There was still one question on my mind.

I asked, “Is Frank here? Or my mom?” He held up a finger and walked out of the room. Moment later, he returned with Frank. He looked exhausted with shadows under his eyes and greasy hair. I suddenly realized how disgusting I must have looked. I really wanted to take a shower, but that probably wouldn’t happen at least for the next couple days.

“Hey, Gee,” said Frank while sitting on the chair next to me. “How’re you feeling?”

“Why did you come to California with me?” I questioned, ignoring him. He smiled and looked down. Frank sighed a little, then looked me in the eyes.

“I knew you were going to ask that,” He stated. “I told you that I was only going to help you move, but truthfully I’m staying up here to be with you the whole time.”

“The whole time? Until what?” I needed to hear him say it. Nobody else would.

“Until you get better.”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, come on, Frank. We both know that’s not going to happen. Please just say it.”

He breathed in sharply. “I can’t do that, Gerard. You have a chance.”

“Bullshit!” I yelled. The heart monitor started beeping rapidly. He stroked my arm.

“Please don’t make me say it.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Not yet.” I apologized, not being able to look him in the eyes. “Hey, don’t do that.” He wiped a tear that was running down my cheek. I really wanted to kiss him and hold him and tell him that I loved him, but I couldn’t.

Frank leaned his head on my shoulder. The heart monitor, once again, let us know that my heart started to beat quickly. I tried my best to calm down and not throw something at the machine. He was breathing deeply.

“Are you smelling me?” I asked, looking down at him the best I could with a tube in my neck. My voice was still scratchy and hoarse.

“N-no.” He blushed.

“You know, the last time I took a shower was about a week ago, so if you think I smell good now, then. . .” He chuckled. “What do I smell like?”

“Rainbows,” he said, his voice very serious. I burst out laughing, which caused a terrible pain in my neck. I tried not to let him know that it hurt so much to laugh, though I knew he could tell. The doctor walked in with a nurse.

“May we have a moment alone with Mr. Way, please?” Frank nodded, gave me an apologetic look, then walked out the door. I wiped my sweaty palms on the white sheet of the hospital bed. If I had anything in my stomach, I probably would’ve thrown up again. “We originally thought that you would only need a lower dosage of chemotherapy, but I am sorry to inform you that you will need more than we thought.” I sucked in my breath. I really hated treatment, it made me so weak. Sometimes I felt like it made me sicker than the actual cancer itself.

“You will begin to lose some of your hair,” the female nurse informed me, “but there is an option to wear a special cold packet during days of treatment to save most of your hair.” I loved my hair.

“That would be nice.” I noticed she was holding a syringe. She followed my gaze to it.

She told me, “We’re going to give you this to help you get back to sleep for the night.”

The doctor spoke up again. “We need you to be very well rested for tomorrow.” Well, I just slept for three days. . . I nodded and the doctor left me with the nurse.

After injection my arm with the medication, the nurse tried to have a conversation with me. “I know it’s none of my business, but is that your boyfriend out there?” I almost laughed.

“No. . . He’s just a great friend of mine. My best friend.” She blushed.

“My apologies, Sir. Would you like me to get him for you before you get too sleepy?”

“Actually, is my mom here?”

She thought for a moment. “She left about half an hour ago to get some rest.” I asked her to go get Frank for me after she said that. Seconds later, my greatest love walked over to me.

“Gerard, you look drunk.” I noticed my eyes were only half open. I smiled at him. He sat in the chair next to the bed yet again. He pointed to the TV hanging on from the ceiling. “You wanna watch some TV?” I nodded and he grabbed the remote. Some comedy show was on MTV. My eyes began to get heavier and heavier as time went on until I eventually drifted off to sleep.

Frank's POV

Gerard drifted to sleep peacefully. I sighed, relieved. I couldn’t let him see how upset all of this was making me. It would just make him worse. I stroked his cheek softly as he slept, watching over him. I crawled in with him, wriggling underneath the stiff white sheets and curling into his warm body.

“Gerard…” I muttered under my breath. “I want to talk to you so badly…”

I could talk to him of course, but I couldn’t be honest with him. I didn’t know if or when he’d be better. It hurt more than I could ever let him know. I sighed and closed my eyes.

“Night, Gee…”

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I woke up the next morning with Gerard’s arms tight around me. I smiled a little and tightened my arms around him.

“Hi, Frankie.” his smile was soft and innocent, his eyes doughy.

“Hey” I smiled back, forgetting where we were and why for just a few seconds, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks and it was different. Gerard caught onto my expression.

“What’s wrong…?”

“Nothing’s wrong, swee-... Gerard..” I blushed and hugged him. “I love you.”

He hugged back, obviously confused. “Uh.. I uh love you, too, Frankie.” He forced a smile back onto his face, pulling his lips back over his tiny teeth. It was still adorable, no matter how they’d yellowed since he’d started treatment. He caught me staring again.

“Look.. I know I look gross and disgusting and shit.. but you don’t have to stare..” his cheeks were turning red with either anger or embarrassment.

“N-no.. That’s not why I was staring.. I… uh you look really nice…”

He glowered at me. “Nice…” he looked away and loosened his arms around my torso. My heart sank.

“Gerard… I meant.. You don’t look different.. I mean you do… but you’re still Gerard...You still have little freckles and tiny teeth and… and you.. I really like it… You still look cute…” I tried not to sound like I was coming onto him. His arms tightened around me again.

“You’re a liar, but you’re a sweet liar so I’ll take it..”

I blushed and hugged him, not saying another word. The door swung open and a nurse rushed in.

“We need Gerard for more therapy.” she stated coldly with no hint of emotion.

I nodded and kissed his cheek before walking slowly out the door. I closed the door behind me and burst into tears. I saw what was going on. He had a shit load of morphine and who knows what else being pumped into him, and his heart rate monitor never looked quite the way it should. His eyes were fading, and his skin was paling. Gerard was dying, slipping through my fingers. I couldn’t save him.