Dusk & Summer

tom.
aug 31, 2005.
encinitas, california.
I unlocked the front door of my apartment and a wave of heat hit me as I opened the door. After all the windows and doors being totally sealed for a week, the air inside was stuffy and stale. I dropped my bags next to the front door and slammed it shut behind me before opening all the windows in the apartment.

I pressed 'Play' on my answer machine and let all the messages play as I walked into the kitchen and quickly grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I peered inside. The only just about edible things in there were two eggs, half a carton of milk that went off yesterday and a jar of mayonnaise.

I sighed and closed the fridge before wandering back into the living room. A pointless message from David was playing and I laughed to myself as I listened to him rambling on about some stupid shit.

I collapsed back onto the couch with a heavy sigh before resting my feet on the coffee table, with one ankle crossed over the other, and flicking on the television. There was nothing good on and I was so tired I couldn't concentrate anyway, but I didn't want to sleep til night time or I'd fuck up my sleeping pattern even more.

I turned the TV off and sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to think of what to do.
I picked up my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I reached Anna's name. I stared at it for a few moments, trying to decide whether to ring her or not. Would she even want me to?

My phone lay limp in my hand for a few more moments as I contemplated ringing Anna, but before I even had the chance to decide it began to vibrate. I looked down, and my stomach turned unpleasantly as I read the name. I licked my dry lips nervously, before pressing 'Answer'.

"Hello?"

"Hi Tom...it's me."

"Oh..hey. You alright?"

"Yeah I'm...fine. I suppose. How are you? Did you get back from England today?"

I quickly stood up and began to pace the apartment. I couldn't sit still all of a sudden.

"Yeah, only about two hours ago."

"Oh, how was it?"

"It was...fine."

"Did you do any sightseeing?" Jen asked in a light, jokey voice. I laughed nervously and scratched the back of my head.

"No, not really."

"Oh right."

There was a long, awkward silence as I stopped in front of the mirror in the hallway and stared at my pale, weary reflection. My hair was tousled and messy, my eyes were dark with faint circles around them and my skin looked drawn.

"Look Jen...I have to go unpack and have a shower... I'll... I'll see you soon."

"Oh...okay." She answered softly. "I'll see you...at the solicitor's on Monday."

A sharp pang shot through my chest at her words, and I saw my eyes dull with sadness in the mirror.

"Yeah." I replied, barely over a whisper. "Bye."

I quickly hung up the phone and sighed heavily, running my hand over my eyes. I suddenly just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days. I wanted to get away from all of this.

My body felt weak and my mind was exhausted from stress and lack of sleep. I glanced down at my suitcase sitting by the front door. I couldn't be bothered to unpack but I knew if I didn't do it now I would never bother, so I forced myself to pick it up and carry it through to the bedroom, where I threw it down onto my bed and unzipped it with a sigh.

I grabbed all the dirty laundry and carried it through to the tiny utility room attached to the kitchen, and dumped the clothes down next to the washing machine.

I grabbed a clean towel from the bathroom and quickly stripped off, throwing all the clothes into a pile on my bedroom floor then walking back into the bathroom and turning on the shower.

I climbed out of the shower and grabbed my towel off the towel rack. After rubbing my dripping hair with it for a few moments I wrapped it round my waist and slowly wandered back into my bedroom. I quickly pulled my now empty suitcase off the bed and kicked it underneath after zipping it back up. I made my way back into the bathroom and quickly brushed my teeth, before drying myself off and throwing the towel back over the rack. When I was finally back in my bedroom I shut the door behind me and climbed under the soft covers. I'd forced myself to change the sheets the day before I left for England, so they were still clean and soft - something I was profoundly grateful of now as exhaustion overtook me. I flicked off the bedside lamp and settled back into the pillows, a huge yawn escaping my lips as my eyelids began to get heavy. Within seconds I was completely out.

anna.
sept 16, 2005.
london, england.
The shrill ringing of my alarm awoke me suddenly and left me startled. I groaned and pushed my unruly hair off my face as I rolled over to turn off my alarm, but as I squinted my tired eyes open slightly the room was still pitch black. Unusual at 7am.

It was then that I also noticed it wasn't actually my alarm. The screen on my phone was flashing and I squinted at it with sleepy grumpiness. I couldn't focus on the name as my eyes were too blurry from sleep, but I answered it anyway.

"...'allo?" I grunted, and there was a pause on the other end before a quiet laugh.

"Anna?" The voice said. A deep, strong Californian voice. Suddenly I was wide awake as I sat up quickly, my cheeks burning.

"Oh, hi. Hi." I said, embarassed beyond belief.

"I'm so sorry, I totally forgot about the time difference. It's only 3 45 here, which means it must be..." As he paused to work it out I quickly grabbed my alarm clock and looked at the time. 11 45pm. Tom knew I was at home, already asleep, by 11 45pm on a friday night.

"...It's only 11 45? What are you doing in?! And in bed?!" He laughed, and my cheeks flamed again.

Now he thinks I'm boring and have no life. Spectacular.

"I...I was just so tired cos I had to cover for Mel on the stall today and I've got work at the spa tomorrow..." I began to babble, and Tom laughed again.

"Well I'm sorry I woke you up." He interrupted, and I gave a soft, nervous little laugh.

"It's okay." I replied, before clearing my throat. "So, how are you? I haven't spoken to you in ages."

"I know! I'm great thanks. The band's going awesome...and my uh...all the divorce procedure thingies are almost over which is good." He said. I could hear that he was outside somewhere. I could hear seagulls and people talking and children shouting. "How about you?"

"Oh I'm...I'm alright thanks. Nothing interesting has been happening for me, as usual. That's great about your band and...the other thing..." I trailed off nervously, not knowing whether I should mention it or not.

"Yeah I know." He said shortly, then there was a pause in which I could hear waves lapping against sand gently. He must be at the beach.

After neither of us had spoke for a few moments, I cleared my throat again. "So erm...when are you next coming over to England?"

"I don't know...I've got a lot of work with the band at the moment, plus I'm trying to find a new house...seeing as Jen got ours." His tone become dull and sullen, so I quickly tried to change the subject.

"Well you need to come over before Christmas, at least! So you can give me presents." I teased, and he laughed which made my stomach flutter slightly.

"I'll definitely come and visit before Christmas, don't worry."

A wide smile slowly spread across my face as I sat cross-legged in my bed, picking at my quilt absent-mindedly.

"Shit, sorry, I should let you get back to sleep-" Tom began, but I interrupted quickly without trying to sound too eager.

"No it's okay. I'm awake now, I won't be able to get back to sleep for a while."

It was another half hour before we hung up, and as I lay back in bed staring up at the ceiling, I couldn't help the smile on my face. It was like a silly little schoolgirl crush, but I couldn't help it.

The only problem was, I didn't think it was just a crush. I'd gone months at a time without seeing him or even speaking to him but as soon as I had any form of contact with him my mood lifted and I felt giddy with happiness. It was a problem.

tom.
I was sitting alone on the beach as I hung up the phone to Anna. There was a gentle breeze that ruffled my hair, but it was warm so I was fine in just the t shirt and shorts I was wearing. The beach was quite deserted now, which I was grateful for. I wanted some peace and quiet for once. The sand beneath me was warm from the sun, and I leaned back on my elbows as I watched the calm waves splashing onto the pale golden sand.

I was thinking about Anna. I'd almost rung her so many times over the past six weeks but I'd either got too nervous or been too busy. I finally had an afternoon off and I knew straight away that I'd ring her, and I was so glad I did.

I still couldn't work out if my attraction to the young, unusual English girl was simply lust from...well, from lack of sex for almost a year...or if it was something else. All I knew was that my heart beat faster at the sound of her voice and when I was near her, I just wanted to touch her. Not just once had I dreamt recently about kissing her. From what I could remember she had such a pretty mouth, and I wanted to know what it felt like to kiss her. The only woman I'd kissed for the past...God knows how many years..was Jen.

But now I wanted Anna. She was young and exotic and exciting, but it was that first thing that really worried me. She was almost ten years younger than me. How the hell does someone bring up..that kind of subject with someone so much younger?!

What if she sees me in some kind of...brother or uncle way?

I felt sick and shuddered at the thought. It was all too difficult, I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a clue how she felt about me. But then a part of me, the optimistic part of me, kept making me think that there must be something there, otherwise two such different characters wouldn't bother to stay in touch. We had nothing in common, not even nationality.

How was I going to find anything out?

I sat staring, in a daze, at the rippling ocean for at least ten minutes, before I made up my mind.

I'm going to England next week to try and figure this out. I want to see her.

I stood up and brushed the sand off my pants as I started walking back along the beach. My phone began to vibrate in my pocket and my heart lifted as I irrationally hoped it would be Anna ringing me back to give me all the answers. Instead the name I saw made my stomach twist uncomfortably.

"Hey." I answered, feeling strange as I heard her voice.

"Hi Tom." She said softly. "I know...I know that our settlement meetings are going to be ending soon...and...and I was wondering...if you wanted to get together for dinner? Just...I just don't want to lose touch with you after everything. We should probably sit and talk somewhere without a couple of solicitors breathing down our necks."

She laughed nervously and I joined in, my heart thumping at the prospect of having dinner with Jen. I was still in love with her, I was still so in love with her, but I knew nothing would ever happen again. Seeing Jen in an intimate setting would fuck my head up, I knew it would, but in the few seconds down the phone when she was waiting for a reply, my heart won the battle between love and logic.

"Okay, that sounds nice." I said, and I could hear in her voice that she was smiling as she answered.

"Great. Well...I was thinking...our usual place, next Thursday at 8? I'll book it."

Our usual place. The place I took her to propose. The place I took her on our first year anniversary, and our second. The place we always used to go the first night I got back from tour, to spend a romantic evening together. Back when everything was perfect, when I was deliriously happy and I had the whole world at my feet.

...Why did she have to choose that place.

"Sounds...good." I said weakly.

"I'll see you there, then." Jen replied in her soft, familiar voice. That voice that made my heart ache.

"Bye." I practically whispered, and as I hung up the phone my mood was bleak.

I didn't give Anna a second thought until the following Friday morning.