Dusk & Summer

tom.
sept 22, 2005.
encinitas, california.
It was a warm evening, there was a slight breeze which ruffled the hair resting - as neatly as I could make it - over my slightly damp forehead. I was nervous.

My stomach twisted into knots as I approached the familiar restaurant, it's dark wooden panelling stood out between the white of the buildings it was between. I glanced down at my watch; 5 to 8. I slowed my pace, hesitating slightly. Maybe I should hang back a while so I didn't appear so eager, so I was a tiny bit late. Despite thinking it my feet wouldn't actually let me stop, and I walked straight up to the door of the restaurant before I could even realise. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as I slowly reached out to push the door open. As I stepped in I glanced around quickly. Then I saw her, sitting at the bar with a full cocktail glass in front of her on a napkin. She must've only just got here. She looked amazing. I'd forgotten how beautiful she was. I tried not to look at her during our solicitors meetings, it was too painful. I'd forgotten how gorgeous her eyes were, how they seemed so heavy-lidded because her thick black eyelashes were weighing them down but that made her look even more beautiful. I'd forgotten how much I adored the shape of her mouth and the colour of her lips. I'd forgotten how her hair shined different shades of gold and brown under the light.

As I approached her my palms began to sweat. I just wanted to kiss her. I wanted to hold her in my arms like I used to. I wanted to grab her and take her home and then we'd spend forever together, in our bed, with no one else there to get in our way. I missed her so much it made my heart physically ache.

She looked up and saw me approaching, and her familiar smile lit up her face. I hadn't seen her genuinely smile at me for so long, and it made me feel like a schoolboy getting praised by his teacher for doing something right for once. It made me ridiculously happy.

"Hi Tom." She said, her voice soft as her pretty brown eyes looked up at me.

"Hi." I said back, trying to sound casual but I knew my voice came out filled with blatant adoration.

"Our table's ready but I thought I'd wait here for you." She told me, picking up her glass and slipping off the barstool elegantly. She managed to make everything look so elegant. "Oh - do you want to get a drink first?" She then asked me, and I snapped myself out of my daze.

"Oh. Yeah."

I leant against the bar to attract the bartender's attention, and he immediately came over and smiled politely at me.

"Yes sir, what can I get you?"

"Um, can I have, uh...vodka and coke, please? ...Double."

I figured I'd get through this evening best if I was slightly drunk. Jen stood quietly, politely waiting for me as the bartender quickly fixed my drink. As he handed it to me I thanked him. The ice clinked noisily against the glass as I raised it to my lips and took at sip. The unpleasant taste of the vodka was masked by the coke but it didn't bother me anyway, not when I had the intention of getting drunk to cloak the pain I'd feel sitting opposite Jen all evening, being unable to think of anything except the fact that I wanted her, I was aching to be with her. Although there was always the risk that if I got drunk I'd be likely to blurt out to my ex wife that I was still in love with her.

"Shall we go to our table, then?" She asked with a smile, and I nodded silently. As she turned and began leading the way, I allowed my eyes to wander over her. She was wearing her favourite pair of beige wide-leg Donna Karan chinos. She'd got them when we went to New York for a weekend last fall. I'd always thought she looked amazing in them. With them she was wearing some dark brown heels and a cream, sleeveless shirt with large, dark brown buttons. Her hair was pulled back into an elegant, loose knot at the base of her neck and I could see the diamond earrings that I'd bought her for her birthday two years before sparkling on her earlobes, and the matching bracelet on her slender right wrist. On her left was the oversized, gold Tiffany Mark watch I'd bought her for Christmas last year. I'd known she'd needed a new watch, and when we'd gone to New York the few months before Christmas, she'd seen it in Tiffany and loved it. So I flew over there to get it for her the weekend before Christmas; hoping it would make her happy.

We reached our table, it was near the far corner of the large, soft-lighted room next to one of the windows. I could see a view of the mountains in the distance as I placed my glass on the table and quickly stepped forward to pull out Jen's chair for her. She smiled up at me gratefully and said, "Thank you." as she sat down and placed her cocktail glass down on the table. Her scent filled my nose with her movement; Chanel No 5. I loved the way she smelled. I could picture her at the dresser in our bedroom, finishing off her morning routine by dabbing the soft fragrance on each wrist and in the hollow of her throat. I could remember nuzzling into her neck every morning that I was home and smiling as I inhaled the smell of her sweet skin. Of course that was before the arguments started.

"So how have you been?" She asked me as I took my seat opposite her. I replied with a shrug as I took a sip of my strong drink.

"Okay thanks. You?"

"Okay." She said, nodding as she picked up her glass. The awkwardness hanging in the air was painfully apparent, but instead of trying my best to get rid of it I chose to take another deep gulp of my drink. After a few moments of silence, Jen asked, "So how is the band coming along?"

"Really good." I replied with a bit more enthusiasm in my voice. "The album is coming along great."

"I'm glad." She smiled widely at me, placing her hand on the table stretched towards me as a gesture of affection, I guess. She quickly pulled her arm back and picked up her cocktail glass to take another sip of her drink. I think it was a Martini, there was a pimento olive in the glass. I didn't know she liked Martinis.

"Oh, that reminds me, I had lunch with Skye the other day." Jen spoke in a casual, chatty way. She was simply trying to make conversation, but my stomach still knotted tightly at the mention of Mark's wife. I knew she was still friends with Skye; I'd never expected her to stop seeing her just because of the band's problems. We were Jack's godparents, after all.

I sensed my eyes dull with sadness at the thought of Mark's son. I hadn't seen him in months. I used to love holding him and playing with him in our garden when Mark and Skye used to come round. Of course Jack was only tiny then, but his eyes had still always lit up with recognition, and he would always gurgle with squeals of laughter and reach out his arms when he caught sight of his uncle Tom.

A pang shot through my heart as I realised there might be a chance I'd never have a baby of my own. What if I didn't meet anyone else? I'd wanted a baby with Jen for so long, but deep down I had known it wouldn't be fair once the arguments had started.

"She and Mark are going to Hawaii for a week next month, sort of a late vacation." Jen continued. "Isn't that lovely?"

I smiled thinly and nodded. "That's great."

A waiter suddenly appeared at our table with a basket of ciabatta bread. He set it down in the centre of the table alongside a small terracotta bowl containing balsamic vinegar and olive oil. We both murmured a thank you, and Jen reached over and picked up a slice of bread.

"So are they taking Jack with them?" I asked as I copied her and dipped the bread in the balsamic. She swallowed her mouthful as she shook her head.

"No, I want to talk to you about that. Skye asked if I would look after Jack while they were away."

A twinge of jealousy shot through me, but I didn't let it show. I nodded and looked down at the bread I was breaking up between my fingers.

"And I...well, I mean...we're both his godparents. So I was wondering if you'd...like to..come round to see him for a few of the days. Maybe you could take him to the zoo or something..like you used to." Jen continued, sounding a bit nervous. I glanced up with a sad smile on my lips.

"I doubt Mark would want me to see his son." I said sadly with a self-deprecating shrug. Jen shook her head quickly in disagreement.

"No, I spoke to Skye about it and she said she'd ask Mark." I looked up sharply. "She rang me yesterday and told me Mark said that it was all fine. Skye said Jack's missed you, he's been asking to see you."

She smiled at me softly, knowing how happy I'd be to hear that. She knew how much I loved Jack.

I couldn't help my cheeks flooding with colour as a real smile spread across my face for the first time in a while.

"I'd really love that." I said softly, and Jen smiled again.

"Good."

There was a short silence, before Jen spoke again.

"Well, we should probably start having a look at what we want to eat." She laughed, with a hint of awkwardness, and I joined in with a nod before we both picked up our menus. I flipped it open and began to scan it casually.

"Oh! Skye's started writing a book about how to look good throughout pregnancy." Jen suddenly said, looking up from her menu and laughing. "Isn't that great? I'm so happy for her."

I glanced up and smiled and nodded. "That's really great."

There was another silence. I stared down at my menu with burning eyes, not seeing the words in front of me but acting as though I was studying it intently so my question appeared far more casual than it really was.

"So...did..did Skye say that- Mark said anything else about me?"

My cheeks burned as I realised it sounded like a question one would ask about an ex-lover rather than an ex-best friend and bandmate. I kept my eyes lowered but sensed Jen lift her head and look at me. After a few moments she replied softly.

"No, she didn't mention anything."

I blinked and nodded quickly, trying to act as though I didn't actually care.

"The risotto sounds good." I then said, trying to change the subject to salvage a shred of my dignity. Jen continued to watch me for a few more moments, before slowly looking back down at her menu.

"Yes, it does. I think I'll get the Minestrone soup though."

I nodded and, after a few more minutes, closed my menu and lay it back on the table after deciding what I wanted. I picked up my glass and drained it quickly as I noticed the same waiter that brought our bread approaching our table again.

"Are you ready to order?" He asked politely, and Jen looked up from her menu and nodded. She looked across the table at me but I indicated that she could order first.

"Could I have the Insalata Caprice for my appetizer, please, and then the Minestrone soup for main."

The waiter nodded as he quickly scribbled down Jen's order, before taking her menu.

"And you, sir?" He then said, turning towards me and holding his pen poised over his notepad.

"I'll have the Bruschetta for starter and then the Risotto. Thanks." I handed him my menu and he also took my empty glass.

"Would you like another drink, sir?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Double vodka and coke, please."

He was back within a few minutes, setting a new, full glass of the dark brown liquid in front of me, the ice cubes clinking noisily. I took a large sip gratefully as Jen ordered a bottle of mineral water for us both.

"Tom, there's...actually something I want to talk to you about." Jen began, a few moments after the waiter had left, watching me as I nursed my drink. I looked up at her quickly.

"Yes?" I said, my heart thumping wildly against my chest. I tried not to let myself but I couldn't help the tiny hope wriggling to the front of my mind. She was going to ask me back. She was going to tell me she was still in love with me and wanted me to come back home.

"I'm...well, I'm actually..considering selling the house."

With a shock I'm jolted back to real life, away from my silly, impossible fantasies.

"What?"

Jen opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again and waited as the waiter reappeared and placed a tall, dark blue glass bottle and two large wine glasses down on the table.

"I just think it's too big for one person to live in." Jen continued once he'd left. "I don't see the point in living in such a big house by myself. Plus I think I'd like to be further away from the city...nearer to the mountains."

I sat in silence for a while. Jen was going to sell our house. The house we'd bought together after getting married.

"If you're wondering about the money, the house hasn't been signed over to me yet so you'd still get half of whatever it sells for-"

"I don't care about that. I don't want any of the money." I interrupted, shaking my head. "I'm just a bit...shocked."

Jen sat quietly for a few moments, before speaking again.

"I want to put it on the market quite soon...so that means you're going to have to collect all your stuff soon."

I exhaled sharply and nodded. This was the part of the divorce I'd been dreading. Clearing my stuff out of the house. Finalising everything. Splitting everything that belonged to Jen and me up and separating everything. The idea of it make me feel sick.



An hour and a half later I was on my seventh drink of the evening. My glass for the mineral water lay untouched at the side of the table, and I was far looser and more relaxed than I had been at the beginning of the night.

"Shall we just split the bill straight down the middle?" Jen was asking me, opening the expensive leather booklet the receipt had been placed in. I shook my head and leant forward quickly.

"I'll get it." I said in a slightly slurred voice, taking the bill out of her hands and pulling my wallet out of my pocket. I slid out a credit card and placed it in the booklet. I handed it to the passing waiter before Jen had a chance to protest.

"Tom, let me give you the money for half-" She began, but I interrupted her.

"My meal was more expensive than yours. And I had a lot more drinks than you. And...I wanted to buy it for you."

"You don't need to pay for me Tom, let me give you the money for my meal, at least-"

"No." I interrupted again. Jen slowly and unwillingly put her purse back into her handbag.

"Thank you very much." She said quietly, knowing she wouldn't win if she continued to argue.

"It's my pleasure." I replied, draining off the last of my seventh glass, this one had been JD and coke. The last one had been a large glass of strong, expensive red wine. I knew it was a stupid idea to mix my drinks, but I didn't care. The drunker, the better.

The waiter returned with my credit card and copy of the bill, which I quickly slipped in my wallet before putting it back in my pocket. I looked at Jen as she finished the last of the water in her glass, before she slipped the strap of her handbag onto her shoulder and smiled at me.

"Ready to go?" She asked, and I nodded before standing up as she did the same. I slipped between the tables carefully, trying not to stumble on my drunken feet as Jen followed me. Once outside the air was far cooler and the breeze felt pleasant against my hot face.

"Do you want me to call you a cab?" Jen asked, shivering a little against the cold as she pulled her phone out of her handbag and checked the time. I shook my head and immediately regretted it as a pain shot through my temples then travelled like an electric current down my already aching spine.

"No, I drove here. My car's...over there." I waved my arm in the general direction towards our left, and Jen followed my gesture sceptically.

"Well you're too drunk to drive home."

"I can't leave my car there." I slurred, trying to steady my breathing and clear my head. I blinked heavily a few times to stop my vision blurring, before pulling my car keys out of my pocket.

"I'll drive you home and get a cab from yours." Jen said, quickly taking the keys out of my hand for fear that I might walk off and try and drive home. I shook my head vigorously.

"No, you won't be safe waiting for a taxi this late. I'll get a cab from yours or I might've sobered up by then and can drive home."

Jen looked all the more sceptical at this plan, but I was already strolling down the street.

"Come on." I called back over my shoulder, and heard the click of Jen's heels as she hurried to catch up with me.

"Tom, it would be so much easier if I just dropped you off at home and got a cab from yours-"

"I'm not letting you wait in the cold for a cab. Drive to yours and I'll call a taxi from there, then I'll pick up my car tomorrow. That means you don't have to stay out as late and I'll know you're home safe. Plus I'll get to see Grey."

After a few moments, I heard Jen say quietly, "Okay then."

We turned a corner and I led Jen across the parking lot that I was parked in. As we approached my car she unlocked it. She'd driven it before so I didn't mind her driving me home. I was normally extremely strict about who I let drive my car. Well, this car.

I slid into the passenger seat and rested my head against the back of it, closing my eyes and feeling my head swim. I had drunk too much, but it had helped ease some of the pain.
Jen climbed into the car and, after doing up my seatbelt for me, did her own and started the car. I kept my eyes closed the entire time we were driving. Jen didn't turn on the radio and neither of us spoke so we sat in silence.

Eventually I heard the sound of gravel crunching beneath the tyres as the car slowed and finally stopped. I opened my eyes and stared up at my old house, directly in front of me. It looked exactly how I rememebered it.

Jen switched off the engine and quickly climbed out of the car. I fumbled with my seatbelt before finally unclipping it and climbing out after her. I stared up at the house for a second, before following Jen up the drive to the steps leading to the deck. Once she reached the front door she slowly turned around, knowing I wasn't far behind her.

"Do you want to come inside to use the phone, or..."

I shook my head. "I can use my cell. Thank you."

She nodded. "Okay."

There was a silence. I stood there awkwardly, knowing I should say goodbye and let her go inside, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to go, I wanted to stay with her. Maybe I was hoping for her to invite me to stay, maybe I thought there was the slimmest chance of that happening in my inebriated state. I just wanted to feel her skin against mine, I wanted to fall asleep with her in my arms, with her body curled into mine. I wanted to be the one that protected her again, I wanted to make her feel safe and warm and happy. I didn't think I could stand going to bed and waking up alone anymore.

Finally Jen spoke up. "Well...I think we have a meeting next tuesday, so-"

"I miss you so much, Jenny." I interrupted in a shakey whisper, unable to hold it in anymore as I stood with my arms hanging awkwardly at my sides, not knowing what to do with my hands. I wanted to hold her but I knew I couldn't.

She looked up at me, her eyes large and sad. She reached up and cupped my cheek, brushing her thumb over my cheekbone gently.

"I miss you too." She said quietly. I closed my eyes and leaned my cheek into her hand, overwhelmed by her touch. I hadn't been this close to anyone in almost a year. I'd forgotten how it felt to be loved, to feel another person's skin against mine. Finding confidence in my drunken state, I reopened my eyes and stepped closer to Jen, slipping my hands onto her slender waist. Her cheeks turned slightly pink at the contact and she looked away, dropping her hand from my cheek.

"Tom, I don't think-"

"Jenny please don't." I begged, sounding close to tears. She closed her eyes briefly before reopening them and looking back up at me.

"I know it's hard, Tom, but it's for the best. You know it is."

"I just know that I love you so much it hurts, it hurts every morning that I don't wake up with you next to me."

"Tom..." She started softly, removing my right hand from her waist to clasp it between hers gently. "You barely woke up next to me when we were together."

I fell silent for a few minutes. I knew our relationship had been nowhere near perfect, but I was so heartbroken I could only think about how much I missed her. I had completely forgotten about all the arguments, sleeping in the spare room, the weeks while I was on tour without us even speaking to each other... None of it mattered anymore. I just wanted my old life back. I wanted Jen.

I looked up at her with heavy-lidded eyes, my mind fogged by the amount of alcohol I drank with our meal.

Without thinking I quickly but clumsily leant down. My nose nudged hers and even though I could feel her hands on my chest trying to gently push me back, I stupidly tried to kiss her.

"Tom." Jen said quickly, turning her head away from mine so my lips simply brushed against her cheek. I slowly leant back, my eyes wide with embarrassment. I felt my face grow hot as the blood rushed to my neck and cheeks.

Jen turned her head back to stare up at me.

"What are you doing?" She asked me simply. I couldn't answer.

"I love you." I said in a small voice eventually, and she sighed and closed her eyes. She looked ready to cry and I wanted to comfort her, to hold her and look after her.

"Please Tom, you're making this too difficult. We're getting a divorce. It's...it's hard for us both but it's for the best. You know deep down it is." She said quietly, and I looked down at the ground. After a few minutes' silence, Jen spoke again.

"You can't drive home tonight."

I nodded slightly in agreement, still not looking up as my eyes burned.

"...Do- well...do you want to stay in the guest room tonight?" She asked graciously. We both knew that if I did, tomorrow morning would be hell. I shook my head, still not looking up.

"I want to go home." I realised that I sounded like a little child.

"Okay." Jen replied softly. "I'll order you a taxi."

She turned and got her housekeys out of her handbag quickly, before unlocking the front door and switching on the hall light.

"Come and sit inside while you wait, Tom." Jen said, taking my arm and gently guiding me inside. The bright light hurt my eyes but Jen quickly led me through into the dark liviing room. She only switched on the table lamp next to me, before picking up the cordless phone next to it and walking into the kitchen.

I sat on the edge of the sofa awkwardly, looking around me sadly. I remembered everything. The house looked exactly the same. It was as though I could move back in tomorrow and everything would go back to normal.

I glanced behind me to see if Jen was still in the kitchen. There was light coming through the archway that led into the large kitchen but I couldn't see her.

Then I noticed, in the corner of the room, the piles of boxes. I squinted, confused. I couldn't read what was written on the boxes so I carefully stood up and walked round the sofa. I squatted down in front of the boxes and leant forward to read the scribbles on them, written in thick black marker pen.

Tom's stuff.

I jolted in shock. It was all the stuff in the house that was mine. I quickly scanned the other boxes, each one ripping through me worse and worse. Tom's books - there were at least three large boxes with that written on them. Tom's CDs, Tom's DVDs, Tom's work stuff. Most of them were simply marked Tom. Next to them the huge piece of artwork of the astronaut that used to hang over the sofa in the front room was leaning against the wall, yet to be bubblewrapped. I only bought it last year. Beside it was every other piece of artwork I'd ever bought that used to hang on the walls throughout the house, plus all the photographs of my family and all my framed gold and platinum blink-182 records.

I slowly stood back up and looked around me. It was as though I'd never even lived here. Nothing looked different to me, yet there was no trace of me at all.

Except for one thing, the large wedding photo on the far wall. I spotted it and walked over slowly, staring up at it. It wasn't one of the photos of us that had been splashed all over the media, it was a better one. I was stood behind Jen, with my arms lightly wrapped around her slender waist, and the side of my face resting against her temple. We were both smiling happily at something just beside the camera. Jen's hands were placed over mine and our fingers were laced together tightly, with her dress fanned out around us carefully. We both looked so serene, so happy. Our eyes were soft and relaxed.

"Tom I've- oh." I quickly spun round to see Jen standing in the archway of the kitchen, holding the phone in her hands.

"I was just- I noticed the-" I stammered to explain, indicating towards the group of boxes in the corner of the room. She glanced over at them and then quickly looked down at the phone in her hands.

"I've started boxing up some of my stuff in the upstairs rooms." She said after a few moments, crossing the room to replace the phone on its stand. "But I have to leave most of it so the house looks respectable until it's sold."

I nodded silently. We both stood awkwardly, silently, at opposite ends of the dark room.

"Your cab will be here soon." Jen then spoke up, and I nodded again. "Would you like any water while you're waiting?"

I shook my head. "No, thank you."

There were another few moments silence, until I suddenly looked up and glanced around me.

"Where's Grey?"

"He's asleep in the kitchen."

"Could I go see him?"

Jen smiled. "Of course."

I quickly walked towards the kitchen and once I'd passed through the archway I looked around quickly. His bed hadn't moved, it was still in the corner next to the dark red sofa we kept against the far wall. I grinned weakly and quickly walked over to where my gorgeous German Shephard was curled up in his large basket, fast asleep. I knelt down and ruffled his fur. He lifted his head sleepily and I grinned again as he looked up at me and his tail began to wag.

"Hey boy." I said quietly, scratching his head as he climbed out of his basket and barked happily, before licking my face. I laughed and scrunched my face up as I scratched his neck and behind his ears. I hadn't seen him in too long. Although he was technically my dog, Jen was looking after him until I found a house. I couldn't keep him in my apartment, I didn't even have a garden.

Grey barked again, his tail wagging furiously as he tried to jump up, placing his paws on my shoulders. I almost fell back and laughed as I had to quickly throw my hand behind me and hold myself up by placing it on the cold tiles.

"Okay boy, calm down."

I stood up and Grey barked again, before scrabbling across the floor and running towards the door. I followed him, grabbing the key off the counter next to the door because I knew he only sat in front of the back door when he wanted to go out.

"I'll see you soon, okay boy? I'll get a house with a big garden for you." I murmured to him after kneeling back down to scratch behind his ears. His tail began wagging again as he licked my hand after I pulled it away. I stood back up and quickly unlocked the door, opening it to let him out. He shot through the door and I watched as he ran straight for a tree, sniffing it before lifting his leg. I laughed loudly, I don't even know why. I'd just missed him and he was about as stupid as I was.

I shut the door and relocked it, before placing the key back down on the counter next to an empty glass. Then I remembered that Jen was still in the living room. For the briefest moment I had stopped thinking about her.

I slowly walked back into the living room and saw her standing in front of the mirror. She was pulling her hair out of it's knot and running her fingers through it to get rid of any knots. She saw me walk back into the room in the reflection, and quickly turned round to face me. I could mainly see only her silhouette but as I took a few steps closer the light coming from the kitchen picked out her facial features. Her long, delicate nose, her beautiful wide mouth, her big brown eyes. It took everything in my power to tear my eyes away from her, I didn't want to make the same mistake again. I caught sight of the boxes in the corner of the room and it suddenly hit me in one huge blow. It really was over.

"...I'm sorry." I whispered, and Jen shook her head.

"It doesn't matter."

We both fell silent again, not knowing what to do or say. It was like this moment was the very final moment of our marriage. This was the night that really ended everything, for good.

A sharp beam of light flooded through the window and the sound of tyres rolling over gravel filled our ears.

"That'll be your cab." Jen said quietly, and I nodded.

"Thank you for tonight. It was a lovely dinner." Jen then said, and I nodded again.

"It was. And thank you as well."

I sighed heavily and ran a hand over my eyes, before taking a few steps towards the front door, closer to Jen. She took a quick step forward, then hesitated.

"I'll see you soon." She then said, cupping my elbow and leaning up to peck me on the cheek. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, knowing this would be the last time I'd ever be this close to her, the last time I'd ever be able to touch her or smell her and especially the last time I'd ever feel her soft lips against my skin.

"Bye." I whispered after she pulled away, before quickly walking towards the front door and opening it. I left without another word and jogged across the drive to the taxi. I had sobered up a lot, but I still didn't want to risk driving home. Which meant I'd have to come back at some point tomorrow and collect my car. I sighed heavily and ran a hand through my hair after climbing into the taxi and telling the driver my address.

By the time I unlocked my front door and stepped into my dark, gloomy apartment, I felt as though my mood couldn't possibly get any bleaker. I shut the door and locked it, before walking into the living room, not bothering to turn on any lights. I sat down on the sofa in the dark and stared ahead of me blankly. The darkness pressed against my eyes but I can't say that I even noticed. I'd never felt more alone in my life, but what made it worse was that, for the first time since my life began to take a downwards spiral, I felt scared. I was scared of what my future held for me. What if I never found anyone else, what if I never had a child of my own? I thought Jen was the one, I'd always thought it, and I'd always thought we'd end up being happily married and having babies and growing old together. Jen completed me.

I stood up and wandered through the dark towards the kitchen. I could see the outline of the door and I felt blindly for the dining table so that I didn't walk into it. Once in the kitchen I flicked on the lightswitch and my ears filled with the tinny, buzzing noise as the room was flooded with artificial light. I opened a cupboard and pulled out a glass before filling it with water at the sink. Then I picked up one of the small, dark brown transparent pill bottles from the counter next to the sink. They were always there, in case I needed them. So were the ones in the bathroom cabinet and the ones next to my bed.

I winced as the dull, aching pain in my back that had been irritating me all evening but I hadn't had a chance to properly notice, tightened and sharpened. I gripped the bottle tightly, and when the pain began to fade back to the continuous ache I unscrewed the cap and tipped a few pills into my hand. Prescribed painkillers. Very strong prescribed painkillers, for my back.

I dropped all three onto my tongue at once and took a large gulp of water, swallowing with grimace as the chalky taste resided on my tongue.

I sighed heavily, suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to sleep. I knew the painkillers didn't work that fast but my subconscious tricked me into believing the pain in my back was already beginning to fade. I walked slowly out of the kitchen, turning off the light on the way and throwing myself back into pitch black. I shuffled across the living room carefully to the hallway, and I knew that I had to just follow the corridor to get to my bedroom. I switched on my bedroom light at the door and crossed the room to place my glass of water on my bedside table. I shrugged off my dinner jacket then rubbed my face tiredly, before making my way into my ensuite bathroom. I clicked on the light before quickly unbuttoning my shirt and throwing it into the laundry basket next to the sink. I rubbed the back of my neck with my right hand as I reached out with my left to pick up my toothbrush. After squeezing toothpaste onto the bristles and wetting it under the tap, I shoved the toothbrush into my mouth and made my way back into the bedroom. I sank down onto the edge of my bed and pulled off my shoes, throwing them in the general direction of the wardrobe. I pulled off my socks before wriggling out of pants one-handedly, still brushing my teeth with the other. I stood up and crossed the room to place my unfolded pants on the sofa already covered in clothes underneath the window. Then I grabbed my socks laying discarded on the floor on the way back into the bathroom and threw them into the laundry basket as well. I finished brushing my teeth, then washed my face vigorously before slipping off my boxers and shoving them into the laundry basket. I switched off the bathroom light and shut the door behind me, then threw back the covers of my bed and grabbed my pyjama pants to pull them on.

I finally climbed into bed, and by then the painkillers really had begun to work their magic on my painful back. I turned off the light by the switch next to my bed and sank back into the pillows, sighing loudly and closing my heavy eyes. Despite the trauma of the evening I fell asleep quickly, thanks to my pills.