Dusk & Summer

tom.
nov 01, 2005.
encinitas, california.
I was almost collapsing with fatigue as I fell out of the cab and quickly handed the driver some notes. As he drove away I grabbed my bag and stared up at the house through bleary eyes. I was unspeakably tired. I ended up getting the plane at about 9pm. The flight was eight hours and the time difference was the same, so it was still 9pm.

I rubbed my eyes tiredly and strode forward. When I reached the front door I rang the bell quickly and tried to neaten my messy hair as I waited.

After about twenty seconds the door opened. My pulse began to race as I stared down at her. She'd been crying, I could tell. I had always been able to tell when she'd been crying.

I dropped my bag to the floor as she stepped towards me, and I allowed myself to wrap my arms around her small frame as her cheek rested against my chest. My eyes closed of their own accord as I breathed in the familiar smell of her hair deeply.

"I'm sorry, I'm being silly." She suddenly said, pulling away and rubbed her eyes. I shook my head, and my mouth felt dry as I answered.

"No you're not."

She exhaled heavily and ran her fingers through her caramel hair, before looking down at the bag by my feet.

"Have you come straight from the airport?" She asked, surprised. I nodded.

"Tom, I didn't expect you to come straight here-- you could've gone home first-"

She was interrupted by the sound of claws scraping against the wooden floor, before Grey appeared and bolted straight for me.

"Hey, boy." I said, grinning for the first time in hours. I leant down to scratch behind his ear before I realised why I was here, and quickly straightened up.

"I'm sorry, I've left you standing on the doorstep. Come inside." Jen said, opening the door wider to let me in. She sounded tired and as I stepped inside I shot her a glance and noticed how pale her face was.

The house was bare. Almost everything had been boxed up. I stepped into the living room and my eyes immediately fell to the corner, but all my boxes had gone.

"Make yourself comfortable. I'll go make us some coffee." Jen said, walking towards the kitchen. I dropped my bag to the floor beside me as I collapsed onto the sofa, the tiredness making my limbs ache and my eyes itch.

I looked around me through bleary eyes, not really taking any of it in properly, before pulling my phone out of my pocket to check the time. One New Voicemail flashed up at me, but before I'd even had the chance to see who it was from Jen's voice came from behind me as she reappeared, holding two mugs.

"You weren't busy when I rang, were you?" She asked as she set the two mugs filled with hot, dark coffee on the table. I shook my head quickly.

"No, I was just-- packing to leave." I lied, repressing an uncomfortable squirm as I remembered the phone call, and Anna's face when I bluntly told her I had to leave and cut our dinner short.

Jen nodded, unaware of my deceit to both her and the girl I was sleeping with, and took a sip of her drink as she settled back onto the sofa and curled her legs underneath her. I coughed awkwardly and picked up my cup before moving further back onto the couch to look less uncomfortable. I took a sip of the rich liquid, and savoured the flavour that I'd missed for a few days.

"So are you feeling any better?" I asked, and she made a face before looking down into her cup.

"Not really."

As I watched her pale, sad face, I was filled with crippling guilt. How could I have ever even gone near another woman so quickly? How could I have slept with another woman when I was still so in love with Jen? Jen hadn't slept with anyone else-- as far as I knew...

Suddenly sickening fear crept into my stomach at the thought of Jen with another man. I wanted to be the only man Jen was that close to. I missed being that close to her, I missed it so much. I'll admit that it was good with Anna, of course it was, but it wasn't the same. It could never be the same with her as it was with Jen, Jen was my wife, Jen knew me better than anyone else in the world. With Jen it was more than just sex, it was different-- but with Anna...there were no true feelings between Anna and I. We didn't care for each other, we didn't love each other, we barely knew each other - with Anna it was just lust.

"I'm sorry." Jen was saying. "I'm sorry I rang you, I know it might have been a bit- inappropriate, but...you're the only person that really understands my relationship with my mother..."

I nodded, inwardly feeling quite happy that she still depended on me in some ways.

"...and I just-- wanted to talk to you and no one else." She continued, and I nodded, trying not to look too proud of myself.

"Have you spoken to her since this morning, then?" I asked, running my fingers through my messy hair tiredly. She shook her head.

"No. She's so stubborn."

I nodded, pursing my lips together as I remembered Jen's critical, harsh mother. From the moment she first laid eyes on me, she had never liked me, particularly my tattoos and whatever piercings I've had since knowing Jen.

"What did she actually say to you?"

Jen laughed bitterly as she stared down into her coffee cup.

"Just that I was going to end up alone because apparently no man will want me now I'm "damaged goods", as she put it so nicely."

I frowned heavily and tried to plan my words carefully.

"Jen, we both know-- exactly what your mom can be like on certain issues-"

"I know, I know." Jen sighed, setting down her mug and running her slender fingers through her hair. "I know I shouldn't listen to her when she says things like that. I know it's not true, it's just..." She chewed on her lip a little before glancing up at me. "It's not nice to hear your mom say things like that to you, is it?" She finished, giving me a sad smile, making my heart melt and my body ache to hold her. I shook my head silently, not knowing what to say to make her feel better but wishing so badly that I did.

"She said I shouldn't have rushed into a dead end marriage-"

"We didn't rush into anything." I interrupted indignantly. "We'd been together for years before we-"

"I know." Jen sighed. "But she said I shouldn't have-- well, she said a lot of things."

I watched her carefully as she looked down at her fingers twisting together uncomfortably.

"She said you shouldn't have married me in the first place, didn't she?" I asked quietly, and Jen's silence told me more than words could have.

"Just because she might think that doesn't mean I ever have, for a second, Tom." Jen suddenly said, grabbing my hand in hers. My eyes flashed at the sudden contact and I stared down at my hand holding onto hers with hidden desparation. I simply nodded, my tongue heavy in my mouth. The coffee cup that I clutched in my other hand was burning my fingers but I didn't want to move and put it down, just in case she let go.

"I have never regretted marrying you, Tom." Jen continued. "Just because it- hasn't worked out, doesn't mean I have ever, or will ever, regret it. I loved you."

It felt like icey vines were winding round my heart and squeezing the life out of it like a snake. So she didn't love me anymore.