Dusk & Summer
I want a lover I don't have to love
tom.
nov 02, 2005.
hollywood, california.
Her lips felt soft against my neck. I exhaled heavily but I wasn't relaxed; images of both of them kept flitting through my mind.
Her hands slipped under my shirt, making my stomach tense as she lightly dragged her fingernails across my abdomen, before lowering her hands and slowly beginning to undo my jeans. I slid my hands round onto her back and met her lips with my own automatically, slipping my tongue between her lips as lust overtook all other emotions in my brain. I allowed her to drop a final kiss on my lips before slowly making her way down my body. I slid further down onto the sofa and watched as she pulled my jeans and boxers to around my knees before lowering her head.
I let my head fall back as I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. At least when this was happening I could forget about the rest of my life; forget about Anna, forget about Jen, forget about the divorce, the band, even the fact that I'd only known this girl about 3 hours and I was already at her apartment, receiving a blowjob off her.
I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. What was I doing? I didn't even like this girl. I couldn't even remember her name. This wasn't a solution to my problems. All that would happen if I went through with this was that I'd feel even guiltier and more ashamed than I already did.
"Wait- stop." I said, placing my hands on her shoulders. She lifted her head and stared up at me in confusion. After a second I shook my head, running my fingers through my hair.
"I should go." I muttered, rubbing my hands over my face and clearing my throat to try and snap myself out of it.
"What- why?" She asked, sounding offended as she sat back on the floor in front of me, folding her arms over her chest.
"Because I- I just- I shouldn't have come back with you." I answered, standing up and pulling up my boxers and pants. "It's not fair. I mean, even if we did have sex, I know for a fact I'd never call you again." I told her bluntly as I zipped up my fly, past caring if I sounded like a jackass.
She snorted in disbelief, but just watched me instead of replying as I slid my jacket back on and ruffled my hair. Then I paused and looked at her as she stood up.
"Sorry." I said, feeling guilty for many reasons. She shrugged and chewed on her lower lip, looking deep in thought.
"Well...bye."
I turned to open the door, but her voice made me stop.
"Wait."
I turned around to look at her, getting quite desparate to leave, not wanting to be slapped or screamed at for being such a bastard.
"Maybe we could-- I mean, I don't mind if this is just a- one night thing."
I stared at her, my brain telling me to run but my body- responding in a very different manner. When I didn't reply she took a few steps closer to me and continued.
"The fact that we know we'll never see each other makes it kind of..sexy, don't you think?" She asked, smirking up at me. My heart was beating slightly faster than average as I chewed on my lower lip with desparation.
"Come on, Tom, it's not like anyone will find out...if you've got a girlfriend, I won't tell her." She teased in a soft voice, fiddling with my shirt collar as she smiled up at me. I closed my eyes briefly and shook my head.
"I don't have a-" I began, but stopped myself.
"Sorry." I then said, shaking my head as I opened the front door behind me before turning to leave.
The cold air hit my hot face as I hurried out of the apartment building and glanced around me quickly. I was completely sober now, having been quite drunk when we left the bar and made our way here.
I pulled my jacket around me tighter, guilt pinching at my insides as the image of her face was stamped across my mind repeatedly. Eventually I snapped, pulling my cell out of my pocket and calling her number. I waited impatiently as it rang, until eventually she answered in a sleepy, croaky voice.
"Hello?"
"Anna, hi." I breathed, my heart jumping at the sound of her voice.
"Tom?" She croaked. "You had to call me this early on my one lay-in this week." She then said with a laugh.
"Oh shit." My stomach lurched. "I completely forgot about the time difference, I'm really sorry, I'll call you back later-"
"No, it's okay, I'm awake now." She said, her voice sounding less muffled as I heard her sheets crinkle down the phone. "So how are you? Did you sort out that problem at work?" She asked, and I was immediately filled with guilt again.
"I uh- yeah, it's sorted." I said shortly, before continuing quickly. "Anna, I'm so sorry. I was such a jackass to you and I just left in the middle of our dinner--"
"It's fine." She interrupted, but the guilt that was currently overwhelming me wouldn't let me stop talking.
"No, it's not. I need to make it up to you somehow-"
"Tom, really." Anna interrupted again with a small laugh. "Don't worry. It wasn't your fault. I understand you had to go back to America. I mean, it was to do with your job, it was important."
I exhaled heavily as I made my way down the street. I didn't know what I was walking towards but I didn't feel like hailing a cab just yet.
nov 07, 2005.
london, england.
I suppose it would have been more romantic if I'd turned up the day after I spoke to her on the phone, apologising for my actions last time I'd been here. But I'd had too much work to do - actual work, not- 'fake work'.
But still, I was here now, and Anna had no idea. I was really hoping she'd be happy when she saw me.
As I walked down the wet, miserable street quickly, my stomach suddenly lurched as I saw an unfamiliar car parked outside Anna's house. Oh, God, what if she had someone over?! What if I was going to buzz her apartment and a gruff, Cockney male voice would answer, calling me a wanker for interrupting his and Anna's dirty, wild sex marathon?!
Lost in my own frightening imagination, I walked right into someone. I'd made my way right to Anna's house and was at the top of the drive, now staring down at her roommate, Mel.
"Tom?!" She asked incredulously, staring up at me with her blue eyes. "Anna didn't tell me you were in London."
"She doesn't know." I replied nervously, giving her an anxious smile as my eyes flickered towards the beat up old red ford sat outside the house.
"That's so romantic!" Mel gasped, clasping her hands in front of her chest as she grinned up at me.
"Really? So she'll be pleased to see me?" I asked doubtfully, gripping onto my case tighter in my slightly sweaty hand. Mel gave me a look and placed her hands on her hips.
"Tom, really. Do men honestly not grow any wiser? Of course she'll be pleased to see you. Seriously."
I nodded, and my head shot up as a figure emerged from the front door. But it wasn't Anna, it was Mel's boyfriend Sam, carring a cooler under one arm and a large suitcase in the other.
"Alright Tom." He said, nodding in my direction as he walked towards the car and laid down the stuff on the curb beside it.
"Hey Sam." I replied, frowning at the bags beside the car. "Where are you guys going?"
"Sam and I are driving up to Manchester to visit my parents." Mel explained. "We'll be gone for a week."
She winked at me and I laughed, a little embarassedly.
"That's everything, babe." Sam called, as he threw the suitcase and cooler into the back of the car.
"Right, we're off." Mel said. "Go in now, then you won't have to buzz the flat. It'll be more of a surprise, she'll think it's just one of us forgetting something."
Her eyes shined with excitement as she pushed me towards the front door.
"Go on, before she looks out the window and sees you."
"Okay, okay, I'm going!" I laughed, walking up the drive to the front door. "Have a good week, guys. Might see you when you get back."
They both waved as I entered the house, closing the front door quietly behind me. My heart was beating faster and faster as I walked up the stairs quietly.
What am I supposed to do when she answers the door? Do I say hello? Do I kiss her?!
I licked my lips nervously as I reached out, hesitating for a second, before knocking quietly on the door. I heard a little bit of movement from inside before the door handle turned. I licked my lips again, my palms sweating as I gripped my bag tightly.
The door swung open and she stared at me in shock. I stopped thinking as soon as I saw her gorgeous face.
She began to speak: "Tom, what are you-" but I interrupted her mid sentence by taking a step forward and dropping my bag, then cupping her face in my hands and leaning down to crush my lips into hers before I even had time to think.
nov 02, 2005.
hollywood, california.
Her lips felt soft against my neck. I exhaled heavily but I wasn't relaxed; images of both of them kept flitting through my mind.
Her hands slipped under my shirt, making my stomach tense as she lightly dragged her fingernails across my abdomen, before lowering her hands and slowly beginning to undo my jeans. I slid my hands round onto her back and met her lips with my own automatically, slipping my tongue between her lips as lust overtook all other emotions in my brain. I allowed her to drop a final kiss on my lips before slowly making her way down my body. I slid further down onto the sofa and watched as she pulled my jeans and boxers to around my knees before lowering her head.
I let my head fall back as I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. At least when this was happening I could forget about the rest of my life; forget about Anna, forget about Jen, forget about the divorce, the band, even the fact that I'd only known this girl about 3 hours and I was already at her apartment, receiving a blowjob off her.
I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. What was I doing? I didn't even like this girl. I couldn't even remember her name. This wasn't a solution to my problems. All that would happen if I went through with this was that I'd feel even guiltier and more ashamed than I already did.
"Wait- stop." I said, placing my hands on her shoulders. She lifted her head and stared up at me in confusion. After a second I shook my head, running my fingers through my hair.
"I should go." I muttered, rubbing my hands over my face and clearing my throat to try and snap myself out of it.
"What- why?" She asked, sounding offended as she sat back on the floor in front of me, folding her arms over her chest.
"Because I- I just- I shouldn't have come back with you." I answered, standing up and pulling up my boxers and pants. "It's not fair. I mean, even if we did have sex, I know for a fact I'd never call you again." I told her bluntly as I zipped up my fly, past caring if I sounded like a jackass.
She snorted in disbelief, but just watched me instead of replying as I slid my jacket back on and ruffled my hair. Then I paused and looked at her as she stood up.
"Sorry." I said, feeling guilty for many reasons. She shrugged and chewed on her lower lip, looking deep in thought.
"Well...bye."
I turned to open the door, but her voice made me stop.
"Wait."
I turned around to look at her, getting quite desparate to leave, not wanting to be slapped or screamed at for being such a bastard.
"Maybe we could-- I mean, I don't mind if this is just a- one night thing."
I stared at her, my brain telling me to run but my body- responding in a very different manner. When I didn't reply she took a few steps closer to me and continued.
"The fact that we know we'll never see each other makes it kind of..sexy, don't you think?" She asked, smirking up at me. My heart was beating slightly faster than average as I chewed on my lower lip with desparation.
"Come on, Tom, it's not like anyone will find out...if you've got a girlfriend, I won't tell her." She teased in a soft voice, fiddling with my shirt collar as she smiled up at me. I closed my eyes briefly and shook my head.
"I don't have a-" I began, but stopped myself.
"Sorry." I then said, shaking my head as I opened the front door behind me before turning to leave.
The cold air hit my hot face as I hurried out of the apartment building and glanced around me quickly. I was completely sober now, having been quite drunk when we left the bar and made our way here.
I pulled my jacket around me tighter, guilt pinching at my insides as the image of her face was stamped across my mind repeatedly. Eventually I snapped, pulling my cell out of my pocket and calling her number. I waited impatiently as it rang, until eventually she answered in a sleepy, croaky voice.
"Hello?"
"Anna, hi." I breathed, my heart jumping at the sound of her voice.
"Tom?" She croaked. "You had to call me this early on my one lay-in this week." She then said with a laugh.
"Oh shit." My stomach lurched. "I completely forgot about the time difference, I'm really sorry, I'll call you back later-"
"No, it's okay, I'm awake now." She said, her voice sounding less muffled as I heard her sheets crinkle down the phone. "So how are you? Did you sort out that problem at work?" She asked, and I was immediately filled with guilt again.
"I uh- yeah, it's sorted." I said shortly, before continuing quickly. "Anna, I'm so sorry. I was such a jackass to you and I just left in the middle of our dinner--"
"It's fine." She interrupted, but the guilt that was currently overwhelming me wouldn't let me stop talking.
"No, it's not. I need to make it up to you somehow-"
"Tom, really." Anna interrupted again with a small laugh. "Don't worry. It wasn't your fault. I understand you had to go back to America. I mean, it was to do with your job, it was important."
I exhaled heavily as I made my way down the street. I didn't know what I was walking towards but I didn't feel like hailing a cab just yet.
nov 07, 2005.
london, england.
I suppose it would have been more romantic if I'd turned up the day after I spoke to her on the phone, apologising for my actions last time I'd been here. But I'd had too much work to do - actual work, not- 'fake work'.
But still, I was here now, and Anna had no idea. I was really hoping she'd be happy when she saw me.
As I walked down the wet, miserable street quickly, my stomach suddenly lurched as I saw an unfamiliar car parked outside Anna's house. Oh, God, what if she had someone over?! What if I was going to buzz her apartment and a gruff, Cockney male voice would answer, calling me a wanker for interrupting his and Anna's dirty, wild sex marathon?!
Lost in my own frightening imagination, I walked right into someone. I'd made my way right to Anna's house and was at the top of the drive, now staring down at her roommate, Mel.
"Tom?!" She asked incredulously, staring up at me with her blue eyes. "Anna didn't tell me you were in London."
"She doesn't know." I replied nervously, giving her an anxious smile as my eyes flickered towards the beat up old red ford sat outside the house.
"That's so romantic!" Mel gasped, clasping her hands in front of her chest as she grinned up at me.
"Really? So she'll be pleased to see me?" I asked doubtfully, gripping onto my case tighter in my slightly sweaty hand. Mel gave me a look and placed her hands on her hips.
"Tom, really. Do men honestly not grow any wiser? Of course she'll be pleased to see you. Seriously."
I nodded, and my head shot up as a figure emerged from the front door. But it wasn't Anna, it was Mel's boyfriend Sam, carring a cooler under one arm and a large suitcase in the other.
"Alright Tom." He said, nodding in my direction as he walked towards the car and laid down the stuff on the curb beside it.
"Hey Sam." I replied, frowning at the bags beside the car. "Where are you guys going?"
"Sam and I are driving up to Manchester to visit my parents." Mel explained. "We'll be gone for a week."
She winked at me and I laughed, a little embarassedly.
"That's everything, babe." Sam called, as he threw the suitcase and cooler into the back of the car.
"Right, we're off." Mel said. "Go in now, then you won't have to buzz the flat. It'll be more of a surprise, she'll think it's just one of us forgetting something."
Her eyes shined with excitement as she pushed me towards the front door.
"Go on, before she looks out the window and sees you."
"Okay, okay, I'm going!" I laughed, walking up the drive to the front door. "Have a good week, guys. Might see you when you get back."
They both waved as I entered the house, closing the front door quietly behind me. My heart was beating faster and faster as I walked up the stairs quietly.
What am I supposed to do when she answers the door? Do I say hello? Do I kiss her?!
I licked my lips nervously as I reached out, hesitating for a second, before knocking quietly on the door. I heard a little bit of movement from inside before the door handle turned. I licked my lips again, my palms sweating as I gripped my bag tightly.
The door swung open and she stared at me in shock. I stopped thinking as soon as I saw her gorgeous face.
She began to speak: "Tom, what are you-" but I interrupted her mid sentence by taking a step forward and dropping my bag, then cupping her face in my hands and leaning down to crush my lips into hers before I even had time to think.