Dusk & Summer
And remove whatever makes you hurt
tom.
apr 12, 2005.
encinitas, california.
I took one long, final look at my house. My old house.
I sighed and rubbed my tired eyes, before picking up the last suitcase by my feet and throwing it into the trunk of the limousine I was taking to the airport.
My marriage was officially over. My band was officially over.
Well, actually, as far as the public knew my band wasn't officially over. But I didn't think there'd be any way that Mark would ever be in a band with me again, after what I did.
I've screwed up my entire life. I risked it all and now I've lost it all. Just for the small chance, the very small chance, that I could do something better with my life. Something bigger than Blink.
I exhaled heavily as I slid into the backseat of the limousine and closed my eyes. I didn't want to say goodbye to Jen. She didn't want to say goodbye to me. This wasn't the last we'd be seeing of each other anyway, next came the months of divorce settlements and arguments over absolutely everything we bought together.
"The airport, is that correct, sir?"
I quickly opened my eyes and leant forward a little bit to answer the chauffeur.
"Yes, that's right. Thanks."
I leant back in my seat and shut my eyes once again. I didn't want to see the world go by, I didn't want to see anything. I wanted it all to go away.
"There's bottled water on ice back there for you sir, or champagne if you'd prefer." The chauffeur said to me, and I sighed softly before opening my eyes.
"Awesome, thanks." I said, leaning forward and grabbing the bottle of champagne. I needed it right now.
I popped off the cork and poured the fizzing liquid into a tall, thin champagne flute, before taking a big gulp and glancing out the window.
I took another sip as we slowly stopped into traffic. I sighed and let my head fall to the side, so that in my line of sight was the small park we were currently stopped next to.
I watched a young mother laughing as her daughter ran towards her and into her arms. They fell back onto the grass together, and I heard the deliciously innocent giggles that escaped the little girl's mouth. My face softened, the creases in my forehead smoothed out, as I watched the mother kiss her daughter's head and smooth back her long, light brown hair, before brushing down her little pink dress. Then the girl suddenly squealed and stood up, running towards a man about my age, walking towards them trying to carry three ice creams at once. His daughter launched herself at his legs and wrapped her little arms around his knees, and a soft laugh escaped my lips as I watched him try to carry on walking with his daughter wrapped around his legs. The woman stood up, laughing herself, and took two of the ice creams out of his hands before leaning up and kissing him lovingly.
I blinked and quickly turned my head away as I felt my eyes prickling with hot tears. Luckily a few seconds later the limo began to move again as the traffic thinned out, and I took another big gulp of champagne, draining my glass.
"Where are you off to, if you don't mind my asking?" The chauffeur suddenly said, and it took me a few seconds to realise what he meant.
"Oh, London. I'm doing an interview for a magazine over there about the hiatus." I said, my insides squirming uncomfortably at the very thought of it. "I was going to say no because, well..I'm a bit stressed at the moment.. But it gave me the chance to get away from everything for a while. You know... Jen and..and everything."
I suddenly stopped talking as I realised I had begun to babble. That was the problem. I had no one to talk to now. My best friends were gone. My wife was gone.
I was alone for the first time in my life.
The chauffeur nodded. "I understand. Sometimes it's nice to just get away from it all. Forget about it for a while."
I nodded, and we both fell silent again. Leaving me to stew in my own festering thoughts for a while.
london, england.
The plane journey was rough; I spent most of it in a dazed, broken slumber that left me with a throbbing headache by the time I was waiting for my luggage at Heathrow.
Thank God I hired a taxi this end; I don't think I could have beared getting the tube.
A few minutes later, I was snapped out of my weary daze as I realised my suitcase was slowly but surely approaching me. I grabbed it and, with a sigh, began making my way towards the exit of the airport. Luckily my cab was already outside waiting, the name 'DeLonge' roughly scrawled on a card that was propped against the front window. The driver shook my hand before grabbing my suitcase and hoisting it into the boot as I climbed into the backseat. He already knew which hotel to go to, so we set off without any small talk which I was extremely grateful of.
It took about an hour to get to the hotel, due to traffic. I stumbled up to the reception desk with my suitcase, completely exhausted and on the brink of breaking down and crying, I was just that tired.
"I have a room booked; DeLonge?" I said shortly, almost passing out over the desk. The receptionist said something in a polite, British accent but to me it just sounded like a muffled drone. I just nodded and accepted the key card she handed me, before stumbling away in the general direction of the elevators with my suitcase. My shoes nearly slipped on the polished marble floors, and I knew people were looking at me. But I didn't care. I wanted to get up to my room and away from it all; I wanted to sleep for days and days and days. But of course I couldn't.
Luckily the room number was written on the actual card, or I would have been lost. I pushed the button for the 4th floor, and waited in a daze for the doors to ping open. When they did, I stumbled the short walk to my door before fumbling to push the key card in and practically falling into my room. I remembered to shut the door behind me, and my suitcase lay abandoned by it as I made my way promptly towards the large shape in the middle of the dark room which I assumed to be the bed.
I fell forward onto the large, comfy mass of duvet and sighed into the pillow.
I wish I could just lay here and never have to get up and deal with the real world again.
Just lay in bed all day, eating mexican food and watching TV. That would be heaven.
I smiled into the pillow and rolled over onto my back, staring up at the canopy. Then my eyes shifted to the clock on the bedside table beside me. 4.05 am. I had to be up in 3 hours.
My eyes began to feel even heavier, and the knots of stress in the back of my neck and down my spine tightened tensely as I rolled onto my side. I stared into the dark for a while, before sighing and shutting my eyes. Without even realising, I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
apr 12, 2005.
encinitas, california.
I took one long, final look at my house. My old house.
I sighed and rubbed my tired eyes, before picking up the last suitcase by my feet and throwing it into the trunk of the limousine I was taking to the airport.
My marriage was officially over. My band was officially over.
Well, actually, as far as the public knew my band wasn't officially over. But I didn't think there'd be any way that Mark would ever be in a band with me again, after what I did.
I've screwed up my entire life. I risked it all and now I've lost it all. Just for the small chance, the very small chance, that I could do something better with my life. Something bigger than Blink.
I exhaled heavily as I slid into the backseat of the limousine and closed my eyes. I didn't want to say goodbye to Jen. She didn't want to say goodbye to me. This wasn't the last we'd be seeing of each other anyway, next came the months of divorce settlements and arguments over absolutely everything we bought together.
"The airport, is that correct, sir?"
I quickly opened my eyes and leant forward a little bit to answer the chauffeur.
"Yes, that's right. Thanks."
I leant back in my seat and shut my eyes once again. I didn't want to see the world go by, I didn't want to see anything. I wanted it all to go away.
"There's bottled water on ice back there for you sir, or champagne if you'd prefer." The chauffeur said to me, and I sighed softly before opening my eyes.
"Awesome, thanks." I said, leaning forward and grabbing the bottle of champagne. I needed it right now.
I popped off the cork and poured the fizzing liquid into a tall, thin champagne flute, before taking a big gulp and glancing out the window.
I took another sip as we slowly stopped into traffic. I sighed and let my head fall to the side, so that in my line of sight was the small park we were currently stopped next to.
I watched a young mother laughing as her daughter ran towards her and into her arms. They fell back onto the grass together, and I heard the deliciously innocent giggles that escaped the little girl's mouth. My face softened, the creases in my forehead smoothed out, as I watched the mother kiss her daughter's head and smooth back her long, light brown hair, before brushing down her little pink dress. Then the girl suddenly squealed and stood up, running towards a man about my age, walking towards them trying to carry three ice creams at once. His daughter launched herself at his legs and wrapped her little arms around his knees, and a soft laugh escaped my lips as I watched him try to carry on walking with his daughter wrapped around his legs. The woman stood up, laughing herself, and took two of the ice creams out of his hands before leaning up and kissing him lovingly.
I blinked and quickly turned my head away as I felt my eyes prickling with hot tears. Luckily a few seconds later the limo began to move again as the traffic thinned out, and I took another big gulp of champagne, draining my glass.
"Where are you off to, if you don't mind my asking?" The chauffeur suddenly said, and it took me a few seconds to realise what he meant.
"Oh, London. I'm doing an interview for a magazine over there about the hiatus." I said, my insides squirming uncomfortably at the very thought of it. "I was going to say no because, well..I'm a bit stressed at the moment.. But it gave me the chance to get away from everything for a while. You know... Jen and..and everything."
I suddenly stopped talking as I realised I had begun to babble. That was the problem. I had no one to talk to now. My best friends were gone. My wife was gone.
I was alone for the first time in my life.
The chauffeur nodded. "I understand. Sometimes it's nice to just get away from it all. Forget about it for a while."
I nodded, and we both fell silent again. Leaving me to stew in my own festering thoughts for a while.
london, england.
The plane journey was rough; I spent most of it in a dazed, broken slumber that left me with a throbbing headache by the time I was waiting for my luggage at Heathrow.
Thank God I hired a taxi this end; I don't think I could have beared getting the tube.
A few minutes later, I was snapped out of my weary daze as I realised my suitcase was slowly but surely approaching me. I grabbed it and, with a sigh, began making my way towards the exit of the airport. Luckily my cab was already outside waiting, the name 'DeLonge' roughly scrawled on a card that was propped against the front window. The driver shook my hand before grabbing my suitcase and hoisting it into the boot as I climbed into the backseat. He already knew which hotel to go to, so we set off without any small talk which I was extremely grateful of.
It took about an hour to get to the hotel, due to traffic. I stumbled up to the reception desk with my suitcase, completely exhausted and on the brink of breaking down and crying, I was just that tired.
"I have a room booked; DeLonge?" I said shortly, almost passing out over the desk. The receptionist said something in a polite, British accent but to me it just sounded like a muffled drone. I just nodded and accepted the key card she handed me, before stumbling away in the general direction of the elevators with my suitcase. My shoes nearly slipped on the polished marble floors, and I knew people were looking at me. But I didn't care. I wanted to get up to my room and away from it all; I wanted to sleep for days and days and days. But of course I couldn't.
Luckily the room number was written on the actual card, or I would have been lost. I pushed the button for the 4th floor, and waited in a daze for the doors to ping open. When they did, I stumbled the short walk to my door before fumbling to push the key card in and practically falling into my room. I remembered to shut the door behind me, and my suitcase lay abandoned by it as I made my way promptly towards the large shape in the middle of the dark room which I assumed to be the bed.
I fell forward onto the large, comfy mass of duvet and sighed into the pillow.
I wish I could just lay here and never have to get up and deal with the real world again.
Just lay in bed all day, eating mexican food and watching TV. That would be heaven.
I smiled into the pillow and rolled over onto my back, staring up at the canopy. Then my eyes shifted to the clock on the bedside table beside me. 4.05 am. I had to be up in 3 hours.
My eyes began to feel even heavier, and the knots of stress in the back of my neck and down my spine tightened tensely as I rolled onto my side. I stared into the dark for a while, before sighing and shutting my eyes. Without even realising, I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.