Change Isn't Always Bad

"Mom! Mom! Guess what!" I called, waving my spelling test through the air like a flag during a storm.

"What's up, Kellybear?" She asked. I knew that tone; she was drunk. Usually she waited until I was in bed to drink. It was only three-twenty two now.

My smile faltered a little bit, but I still told her. "I got a one hundred! I studied really hard, too!"

"That's great, sweetheart! I'll call Jacob and we'll have a nice dinner to celebrate, yeah? Oh, and I'll put this on the fridge when I'm done cooking." Jacob was Mom's boyfriend of the month. He was pretty cool; he knew I liked art and music more than science and math, so he'd always bring me something to paint or draw with. He helped me with some of my homework when my mom was too drunk to.

"Okay!" I grinned, looking the paper over proudly. I put it on the kitchen table and ran to my room.

-

"Hey, bud!" Jacob called. I was jumping rope outside and he pulled up in his silver truck. "I don't think we'll see each other after this."

I frowned. "Why?"

"Well.. Your mother and I aren't gonna be together anymore. I don't think she'll want me around you anymore. I'm sorry, Kellin. But hey, I got you this." He handed me a canvas with a pre-drawn picture on it. "Paint me something cool, okay? I'll pick it up some time next week. That way I'll be able to remember how awesome you are."

I nodded and smiled. "I'm gonna paint you the most awesomist thing!"

I painted inside the lines carefully, making sure nothing went wrong. This had to be perfect for Jacob! The green in the tires went well with the yellow flames on the side of the monster truck. I just had to paint the rest of it red and it'll be finished!

I finished the painting that day, ignoring the yelling coming from outside my room. Jacob's gonna love it!

Sadly, he was gone before I could give it to him. But it didn't matter; he said he'd pick it up next week.

Maybe I counted the week wrong? Was it seven days, or seventeen years?

-

"Kellin, come out here for a second?"

Fast forward three years; I was ten now.

"Coming!"

I ran into the living room, and there my mom was standing with someone. He was pale; cross-eyed and glasses so small it didn't seem like they'd help him see anything.

"Kell, this is my new boyfriend, Theo."

-

"Why the fuck do you have to drink?!"

"Why the fuck do you have to sit there and play video games all day?!"

"You have a son! He's ten years old and is probably scarred because you decide to drink with your friends every other night?!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you too!"

I tried to go to sleep, but they were screaming at each other and slamming doors. I have to do the talent show tomorrow, I couldn't not sleep!

-

"And the winner is, Kellin Bostwick!" Our principal announced. I grinned and happy marched over to center-stage, giggling when she handed me the trophy. I looked through the crowd to try and find my mom, but she wasn't there. The more I searched, the less I smiled. She promised she'd be here! I sang her favorite song!

That day when I got home, I asked her where she was. She asked what I meant, so I told her about the talent show again. I told her that she said she'd be there, and Theo would be, too.

Then, she gave me the line that she's repeated so much, it could become her catchphrase. The line that - after a while - made me realize how terrible she is.

"Oh. Must've been drunk."

-

"It's so hard, Jen. I want to quit for Theo, but it's so, so fucking hard..." My mom trailed off. She was in her room on the phone with her best friend. I was standing outside the door, listening. I was going to ask for supper, but she's upset. I can make myself a PB&J.

"What about Kellin? Theo's the only one that sees it; Kellin wouldn't help. It just sucks Jen, so much. I can't do it. I can't quit."

I walked into the room and hugged her before she could ask what I was doing.

"You can do it, Mommy. I believe in you!"

-

"I'm so sorry, Kellin." She said. Her eyes were red, but I assumed it was from crying. "I'm so sorry I've been terrible. You know, I never realized how amazing you are until I stopped drinking."

Another year's passed, and I'm eleven now. I started realizing how the world works and how people can be really, really mean sometimes. I also found out that you can hate absolutely everything about yourself.

"It's okay, Mommy, please don't cry," I said, hugging her and crying into her shoulder. Today she was six months sober, and I've never been more proud. And hearing her say I was amazing made me feel so much better about myself. Maybe that's all I needed to stop hating myself.

It worked for a while; I started not caring about what people say. I was happy with myself and with my family.

Until I caught her drinking again.

And I wondered.. If she lied about being sober for months, then how do I know she didn't lie when she said I was amazing?

And cue self-hatred.

-

"Hello?" She asked, her words slurring. I was elated that she picked up.

"Mom? Mom! Where are you-"

She hung up.

All I wanted was to make sure she was okay and good enough to drive. Her and Theo fought again; apparently he was cheating. She left without warning and didn't tell me where she was going.

I just wanted to make sure she was safe.

-

They didn't care anymore. They didn't try to hide their fights anymore. In fact, I was in the kitchen making myself some Mac N' Cheese when they came in. I knew it wasn't the healthiest food, but I was twelve and Mom was too drunk to cook.

I was stirring the boiling water, watching the spoon. They were standing right next to me, at each other's throats and using everything they could against each other. I hated it. I wanted a distraction.

I saw somewhere on TV that this person fell and broke their leg. The pain was so much that it blocked out everything around them. So, maybe, if I try that, their yelling would go away?

I looked at them, making sure they weren't watching. I took the spoon out of the boiling water, and held t against my wrist.

I let out a yelp, dropping the spoon. Tears sprung to my eyes, and I heard the faint sound of my mom yelling at me to be more careful. My wrist hurt, so so much, but my mind was calm, and I loved it.

And cue self-harm.

Of course, I stopped; only after Mom was completely sober and truthful. But she didn't help me. Theo didn't help me. I helped myself. I was alone.

-

"So don't you ever fucking accuse me of hating my mom for no reason, because what I just told you wasn't even half of it." I finished into the phone.

"Kellin, I'm so sorry-"

"Whatever, Vic. I just called to see if you wanted to go on another date tomorrow, and you started flipping out about how I act towards my mom."

"I'm sorry. I'll gladly go on that date, if the offer still stands."

"Of course it does."