Status: On-going.
Change Isn't Always Bad
Chapter 7
(KELLIN POV)
"Look at you. You're young. And you're scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget you have school in the morning. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize you can do whatever you want." -Oliver Sykes.
I did that. And what do I get? Five days suspension, no phone or laptop, no leaving the house, and a speech from my bitch mother.
"How stupid are you, Kellin!?"
"You've seen my report cards."
"I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about the fact that you punched that kid for no reason and-"
" 'Stick up for yourself. Don't let anyone bring you down no matter what. If a teacher doesn't do anything about it, you need to.' Remember that, Mom? Remember in third grade, when I came home crying because a kid made fun of me? Well, you know what, I finally stood up for myself. The teacher didn't do shit. I was already pissed off and he called me a faggot. So if you're going to keep talking about how I never do as you ask and I'm the worst son ever, consider the fact that you told me to do this. Every fucking parent tells their kid to stand up for themselves, and when they do, all the parents do is scream at them."
"Don't swear at me, Kellin."
So you know what I do? I lean across the table, looking right into the bitch's eyes.
"Fuck." I whisper. "Fuck, shit, bitch, asshole, whore, slut, cock, cunt, piss, motherfucker!" I got louder with every word, moving farther away from her.
She sighed. "What happened, Kellin? You used to be my little boy, you used to love everyone and be happy. You've changed."
"Bullshit." I scoffed. "Absolute bullshit. You wanna know what happened? I grew up. I've always been like this. Always wanted to dress this way, always liked this music, always. Fucking always! Put before, I was 'too young to dress myself, too young to decorate my room, too young to express myself, too young to do this, that!' But then I got older, Jenn. I fucking got older and you let me express myself. You finally let me be me. You stopped making me listen to the shit on the radio you call music, you stopped choosing what I can and can't buy. You stopped trying to make me into the perfect fucking son I'll never be. I didn't change, I'm just not your fucking robot anymore."
She stayed quiet.
"Can I have my phone so I can tell Matty I won't be able to hang out?" I ask bitterly. She sighed again and nodded, taking my phone out of her pocket.
"I never thought of you as my robot, Kellin." She whispered.
I laughed humorlessly. "You thought of me as something you can control."
After I texted Matty, I gave my phone back, and started walking to my room.
When I got there, I felt the tears coming. This is what sucked; I hated my relationship with my mom. She was the only family I had since my father left before I was born. I should love her. I should want to have family nights and have fun and smile and make jokes. I'm not supposed to scream in her face and do the opposite of everything she says. No one else does. No other person my age does that. I'm sure Vic and Mike don't.
I just hate how hard she tries. That's what started our problems. Why couldn't she just give up on me like I have a long time ago?
But I couldn't blame her; it was my fault. Everything was.
The tears welled in my eyes, threatening to spill. No, Calm down, Kellin. You're fucking weak if you cry over this. Just blast Of Mice & Men and Austin and Aaron will help you.
But I didn't want them to help me; for some stupid, idiotic, random reason, I wanted Vic.
-
Two days later, Mom gave my phone back. So the first thing I did was text Matty.
To: Mattherfucker
Hey. Got my phone back.
From: Mattherfucker
kool can u hang or naw
To: Mattherfucker
I'm sorry I only speak English
From: Mattherfucker
Oh fuck off can you hang out or no?
To: Mattherfucker
-2 points for no punctuation. And, no, I can't ;-; but I have a favor to ask of you
From: Mattherfucker
No I will not buy you more band merch
To: Mattherfucker
No not that cx I was gonna ask if you can go to my school tomorrow and see if you can catch that Vic guy from the mall. I know you two don't like each other but I need to talk to him.
That was a lot to ask, honestly. I know they hate each other, so asking them to be peaceful together is a lot. But I needed to apologize for snapping at him, yelling, hitting his friend (Which I'm actually not sorry for at all, oops. Sorry not sorry).
From: Mattherfucker
Legit fuck yourself. I'm not going near that fucktard.
To: Mattherfucker
I just need you to get his number and give it to me. I'm not allowed out of the house anyway. Or even better you could give him mine. Please, I'll pay for your WT ticket.
Okay, using Warped Tour against him might not be fair, but come on! I needed to talk to Vic.
From: Mattherfucker
Fine. Tomorrow. Only bc OM&M
To: Matterfucker
yAY TYSMILYNOHOMO
From: Mattherfucker
Wtf you talkin about your a flaming homo
To: Matterfucker
Maybe I am, but totally not for you. Like ew cx JustkiddingI'msorrybbdon'tkillme
And our conversation went on like that, which was pretty normal for us. And he went to sleep around two AM, leaving me to freak out about what the fuck I'm going to say to Vic.
(A/N: Shitty chapter because I might not be able to write for a while and I didn't want you guys to wait. Next chapter thing'll happen, I promise. This was really just a better look into Kellin's relationship with his mom, Matty, and basically his thoughts in general)
"Look at you. You're young. And you're scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget you have school in the morning. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize you can do whatever you want." -Oliver Sykes.
I did that. And what do I get? Five days suspension, no phone or laptop, no leaving the house, and a speech from my bitch mother.
"How stupid are you, Kellin!?"
"You've seen my report cards."
"I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about the fact that you punched that kid for no reason and-"
" 'Stick up for yourself. Don't let anyone bring you down no matter what. If a teacher doesn't do anything about it, you need to.' Remember that, Mom? Remember in third grade, when I came home crying because a kid made fun of me? Well, you know what, I finally stood up for myself. The teacher didn't do shit. I was already pissed off and he called me a faggot. So if you're going to keep talking about how I never do as you ask and I'm the worst son ever, consider the fact that you told me to do this. Every fucking parent tells their kid to stand up for themselves, and when they do, all the parents do is scream at them."
"Don't swear at me, Kellin."
So you know what I do? I lean across the table, looking right into the bitch's eyes.
"Fuck." I whisper. "Fuck, shit, bitch, asshole, whore, slut, cock, cunt, piss, motherfucker!" I got louder with every word, moving farther away from her.
She sighed. "What happened, Kellin? You used to be my little boy, you used to love everyone and be happy. You've changed."
"Bullshit." I scoffed. "Absolute bullshit. You wanna know what happened? I grew up. I've always been like this. Always wanted to dress this way, always liked this music, always. Fucking always! Put before, I was 'too young to dress myself, too young to decorate my room, too young to express myself, too young to do this, that!' But then I got older, Jenn. I fucking got older and you let me express myself. You finally let me be me. You stopped making me listen to the shit on the radio you call music, you stopped choosing what I can and can't buy. You stopped trying to make me into the perfect fucking son I'll never be. I didn't change, I'm just not your fucking robot anymore."
She stayed quiet.
"Can I have my phone so I can tell Matty I won't be able to hang out?" I ask bitterly. She sighed again and nodded, taking my phone out of her pocket.
"I never thought of you as my robot, Kellin." She whispered.
I laughed humorlessly. "You thought of me as something you can control."
After I texted Matty, I gave my phone back, and started walking to my room.
When I got there, I felt the tears coming. This is what sucked; I hated my relationship with my mom. She was the only family I had since my father left before I was born. I should love her. I should want to have family nights and have fun and smile and make jokes. I'm not supposed to scream in her face and do the opposite of everything she says. No one else does. No other person my age does that. I'm sure Vic and Mike don't.
I just hate how hard she tries. That's what started our problems. Why couldn't she just give up on me like I have a long time ago?
But I couldn't blame her; it was my fault. Everything was.
The tears welled in my eyes, threatening to spill. No, Calm down, Kellin. You're fucking weak if you cry over this. Just blast Of Mice & Men and Austin and Aaron will help you.
But I didn't want them to help me; for some stupid, idiotic, random reason, I wanted Vic.
-
Two days later, Mom gave my phone back. So the first thing I did was text Matty.
To: Mattherfucker
Hey. Got my phone back.
From: Mattherfucker
kool can u hang or naw
To: Mattherfucker
I'm sorry I only speak English
From: Mattherfucker
Oh fuck off can you hang out or no?
To: Mattherfucker
-2 points for no punctuation. And, no, I can't ;-; but I have a favor to ask of you
From: Mattherfucker
No I will not buy you more band merch
To: Mattherfucker
No not that cx I was gonna ask if you can go to my school tomorrow and see if you can catch that Vic guy from the mall. I know you two don't like each other but I need to talk to him.
That was a lot to ask, honestly. I know they hate each other, so asking them to be peaceful together is a lot. But I needed to apologize for snapping at him, yelling, hitting his friend (Which I'm actually not sorry for at all, oops. Sorry not sorry).
From: Mattherfucker
Legit fuck yourself. I'm not going near that fucktard.
To: Mattherfucker
I just need you to get his number and give it to me. I'm not allowed out of the house anyway. Or even better you could give him mine. Please, I'll pay for your WT ticket.
Okay, using Warped Tour against him might not be fair, but come on! I needed to talk to Vic.
From: Mattherfucker
Fine. Tomorrow. Only bc OM&M
To: Matterfucker
yAY TYSMILYNOHOMO
From: Mattherfucker
Wtf you talkin about your a flaming homo
To: Matterfucker
Maybe I am, but totally not for you. Like ew cx JustkiddingI'msorrybbdon'tkillme
And our conversation went on like that, which was pretty normal for us. And he went to sleep around two AM, leaving me to freak out about what the fuck I'm going to say to Vic.
(A/N: Shitty chapter because I might not be able to write for a while and I didn't want you guys to wait. Next chapter thing'll happen, I promise. This was really just a better look into Kellin's relationship with his mom, Matty, and basically his thoughts in general)