A Living Death
The Moment of Truth
As I was walking home from school that day, I was trying not to think about it. I plugged in my headphones to try to block out the bad emotions. But you can’t escape bullies anywhere… I tried to ignore the things being thrown at me. The laughs I got for tolerating it. The smiles and snickers and gossip that no volume of music could ever tune out. Crying only made it worse. That was my daily life. Bullies. Thoughts of suicide. Then coming home to unsatisfied parents.
“BriaLynn Blake!!” my mother yelled, “What on earth is this?!” she screamed as she saw the blood stains in all of my shirt sleeves. “What do you mean, Mom?” I asked. “I MEAN, have you been cutting again?!” “Yes, Mom I have, actually!” “BriaLynn! That’s it!! You’re going to the hospital tonight whether or not you want to. And give me your phone!” I was so… so outraged! I couldn’t stand not being in control. “NO Mom!” I yelled for the first time in my life, “I’m NOT going back to that hospital, and I am NOT giving you my phone! My God, you’re such a hypocrite! How do you expect me to live with myself if you can’t even live with YOURself?! Do you not remember the pain you put me through ten years ago? YOU. RUINED. MY. LIFE.” I was screaming through tears and I ran up to my room before she could say anything else.
I think you know what happens from there…
Come on, BriaLynn my razors whispered, give it another good slash!! For each time someone has hurt you, carve another scar into yourself! I hear Mom rushing up the stairs. So I listen. I give myself to the razor. I ask it to pull a little harder, chew a little deeper. And just as the rush of warm scarlet runs down my arm, I take another slash into my other arm! And another! And another, screaming and crying and crying and screaming and oh my god, it hurts, but it hurts so good. And I deserve every slash I give myself!! Slashing and screaming and crying, Mom is pounding on the door. I scream even louder for her to go away! Then my eyes find my stash… My Xanex!! My Lithium! Zoloft, Prozac! Adderol! I gulp down bottle after bottle as quickly as I can. Mom’s pounding gets louder and harder… But I’m too focused to make out what she’s saying. This is it, the best part, the anticipation is all worth it. I’m cutting and gulping and I’m screaming and crying and it’s the best rush I’ve ever had in my life! No one cares. No one listens! NO ONE will know the difference!! And just as I take one last slice, my door is in my room, Mom is on her knees… And I… I am gone.
“BriaLynn Blake!!” my mother yelled, “What on earth is this?!” she screamed as she saw the blood stains in all of my shirt sleeves. “What do you mean, Mom?” I asked. “I MEAN, have you been cutting again?!” “Yes, Mom I have, actually!” “BriaLynn! That’s it!! You’re going to the hospital tonight whether or not you want to. And give me your phone!” I was so… so outraged! I couldn’t stand not being in control. “NO Mom!” I yelled for the first time in my life, “I’m NOT going back to that hospital, and I am NOT giving you my phone! My God, you’re such a hypocrite! How do you expect me to live with myself if you can’t even live with YOURself?! Do you not remember the pain you put me through ten years ago? YOU. RUINED. MY. LIFE.” I was screaming through tears and I ran up to my room before she could say anything else.
I think you know what happens from there…
Come on, BriaLynn my razors whispered, give it another good slash!! For each time someone has hurt you, carve another scar into yourself! I hear Mom rushing up the stairs. So I listen. I give myself to the razor. I ask it to pull a little harder, chew a little deeper. And just as the rush of warm scarlet runs down my arm, I take another slash into my other arm! And another! And another, screaming and crying and crying and screaming and oh my god, it hurts, but it hurts so good. And I deserve every slash I give myself!! Slashing and screaming and crying, Mom is pounding on the door. I scream even louder for her to go away! Then my eyes find my stash… My Xanex!! My Lithium! Zoloft, Prozac! Adderol! I gulp down bottle after bottle as quickly as I can. Mom’s pounding gets louder and harder… But I’m too focused to make out what she’s saying. This is it, the best part, the anticipation is all worth it. I’m cutting and gulping and I’m screaming and crying and it’s the best rush I’ve ever had in my life! No one cares. No one listens! NO ONE will know the difference!! And just as I take one last slice, my door is in my room, Mom is on her knees… And I… I am gone.