Nobody Knows

Nobody knew about the nights they spent together, entwined in each other’s arms, feeling the other close. Nobody knew how they felt about each other, a secret so big, yet so deeply hidden. A secret kept locked up tight in their hearts.

After months and months of shared looks and illicit touches, they had finally succumbed to each other. Had finally admitted their want, their need, for one another.

And when it was time to say goodbye, nobody knew the pain they felt. Having to put on a show for others, when secretly, all they wanted was to profess their love to the world.

But others wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t see how happy they made each other. They may judge, they might even laugh, shout, or cry. But they wouldn’t understand.

And so, night after night, the two would part and go back to their lives, as if nothing had ever happened between them.

But Brian would know, would feel it. Lying in bed each night, he would stare at the ceiling and let the silent tears trickle down his cheek and soak into his pillow. He could never have what he truly wanted. And that hurt, more than words could explain.

Lying in bed, he stared up at the ceiling, yet again, as if counting the lines in the design would give him answers, some sort of sign that what they were doing was right. But he never got those answers, the ceiling staring back at him. As if the blank expanse were trying to tell him to leave it alone.

Sparing a glance to his right, he watched his wife sleep peacefully, not a care in the world, oblivious to the anguish her husband was going through. He did love her, on some level. But it just wasn’t the same as what he felt for Matt.

Being in Matt’s arms, he felt like he could take on the world, climb the highest mountain. He felt safe and loved, cared for, desired. Surely, that wasn’t so wrong, was it?

Sighing, he let his phone slip through his fingers and onto his chest, disappointment making a home in his gut at the lack of response from the other. He couldn’t help it, knew it was wrong to text after they’d gone their separate ways for the night. But Brian just couldn’t get the guy off his mind.

He started at the buzzing, inhaling a deep breath and reaching for the phone.

Dork. Meet me at the park, our spot.

Brian couldn’t help but smile. He knew who it was from; the spot was their special place. Slipping quietly from the sheets, Brian pulled some shorts up his legs, forgoing a shirt and tugging a hoodie down over his bare chest. Tip toeing out of the door, he was careful to not wake up the sleeping bundle of fur at the top of the stairs, padding softly down them until he got to the door.

He stopped, turning back, feeling a sliver of guilt, before stepping out into the night. He always felt guilty at sneaking out of the house to meet his secret lover, wished there were a way to make them both happy, but he knew there wasn’t. So he dealt with the guilt, showering his wife in lavish presents to make him feel a little better.

Walking brusquely, Brian broke out into a jog as he saw the gates to the park entrance, up ahead, a wide smile on his face at the thought of seeing Matt again. They had only parted ways a few hours before, but he needed to see the other again. If only for a short while, just to see his face, hold him, kiss him. Breathe him in.

Getting to the spot, he checked the time on his phone and knew that Matt wouldn’t be long; he only lived a few short blocks away. Sitting down on a cold tree stump, he leaned back and crossed his ankles, happy to wait. Nothing could take the smile off his face.

An hour later and Matt still hadn’t shown up, fear curling up his spine, her icy grip latching on. Standing, he brushed the back of his shorts and decided to swing by the other’s house. He knew there was probably a logical explanation for the no show, maybe his wife had woken up. But Brian just couldn’t get rid of the unpleasant knot in his stomach.



Matt snorted at the text he’d gotten, shaking his head but smiling nonetheless, replying back. Checking to see that his wife was asleep, he shifted the heavy lump that was his dog, off his legs and stood. Adjusting his eyes to the dark, he grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and jogged down the stairs, getting dressed as he grabbed his keys.

The night was cool, but not overly, Matt walking down the sidewalk with a spring in his step. He sighed happily at the thought of seeing Brian again, couldn’t help but laugh at the butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. He missed the man fiercely whenever they parted, would often stay up well into the early hours, just thinking of him.

He wished things could be different, that they could openly be together, but the timing just wasn’t right.

So caught up in his thoughts about Brian, he didn’t notice the trio of men that circled him, masks hiding their identities. One shoved him, sharply, against a nearby wall, another holding a gun to his head as the third demanded cash.

Matt was a big man, but his muscles were no match for a bullet. Raising his hands in the air as best he could, he protested that there was no money on him, not wanting them to take his phone. With two somewhat distracted as they spoke in hushed tones, Matt took his chance and pushed at the guy with the gun, trying to grab it. The others dropped their conversation and tripped Matt up; letting him fall, face first, into the gravel.

Groaning, Matt rubbed his head, shocked to feel warm and wet on his fingers. A little dazed, he tried to push himself up, but was pushed back down, landing on his back. He heard the sickening crunch of bone breaking and swallowed heavily as the gun was pointed straight at his head.

“Please, don’t do this! I can get you money, just please, don’t!” Eyes wide, Matt lost the ability to breathe as the gun was raised higher, the safety catch clicking off, the only sound as the world around him stilled. As if his life had gone into slow motion, he heard the bang and braced himself. Praying, whispering Brian’s name under his breath, he closed his eyes and waited for the pain to come, the darkness.

“Brian, I love you.”



Brian walked faster as he saw the flashing lights just around the corner, hearing multiple voices and shouted orders. He panicked, breath quickening, palms breaking out into a damp sweat. A man was lying on the floor, a black sheet being pulled up to cover his face. He felt it, like a knife had been plunged into his chest, that icy fear gripping him tight. Running at full speed, he skidded to a halt at the side of the ambulance, onlookers and police officers, nothing but a blur.

“Who is it?”

Voices muttered, as if all at once, a murmuring of muggers and gun shots all blending into one. He felt like his head would explode, the pressure getting too much, a loud ringing in his ears as he took a few steps forward and bent at the knee. He shrugged off a police officer who told him to stay back, needing to know. “Please don’t be Matt, please don’t be Matt, please, don’t be Matt.”

Pulling back the sheet, he fell back on his ass, fist to his mouth to stop the high pitched cries. “Oh god, no! No, no, no!” Matt’s bloodied face stared back at him, his once, warm, golden eyes, now blank and lifeless. Thinking his heart would burst out of his chest, he breathed deeply, getting to his feet and staggered backwards. Getting away from it all, as fast as his legs could carry him.

But he didn’t cry. He couldn’t cry.

No doubt, there would be the phone call the next day, Matt’s wife crying down the phone to his, their friends all gathering at the house to console her. But who would console him? Who would hold him? Tell him that everything was going to be okay. No one. Because nobody knew of their love.

He still didn’t cry.

Wandering along the sidewalk, he went back the way he came, back to their spot. His brain was on autopilot, as if it were all but a bad dream. Hopes raised, he swung into the park and ran to the spot, hidden between bushes and trees, and stopped dead. It hadn’t been a dream, Matt was really dead. Brian would never again get the chance to hold him, to kiss him, to laugh and to cry with him.

Then, he cried.

Sinking to his knees, he wrapped his arms around himself, tightly, trying to keep himself together. And he cried, loud, wailing anguished sobs, for the man that made him feel so much. For the man that taught him the meaning of true love.

He didn’t care that he was lying in the dirt, his whole body numb to everything around him. Everything but the pain. He felt as if a part of him had died too, his heart was now broken, a crack so deep, breaking it into two pieces. One piece stayed with him, shattered, never to be whole again. And the other, was with Matt.

Scrambling to his feet, he wiped his face with the bank of his hand, seeing dirt and grass smudges. Closing his eyes, he leant against the tree stump that held so many memories, and said his own personal goodbye. Memories of them making love at the spot, in the dead of night, no one but them and the stars as their witness. Memories of the first time they had told of their love, speaking the words out loud, making it all very real.

Pressing two fingers to his lips, Brian opened his eyes and pressed them to the tree, looking up into the night sky. “I’ll always love you, Sanders.”

Taking a deep breath, he climbed out through the bushes and onto the pathway, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Curling his fingers around the lone cigarette there, he smiled a small smile, snorting to himself. He always brought one cigarette along with him to their late night trysts, knowing Matt hated him smoking, but also knowing that after the guy had had his way with Brian, he would need that one smoke. Pulling it out, he smoothed it back into shape and lit it, holding it up between his fingers. “This one’s for you, baby.”

Strolling back to his house, he felt lost, like his purpose in life had been snuffed out. Drying his eyes as much as he could, he finished his cigarette, lifting his head to blow the smoke out. He felt a little lighter, knowing that he’d been able to say his own goodbye, that their love would stay safe, locked up in his heart.

He would always miss Matt, would always feel the gaping hole in his chest, but he felt some sort of peace, knowing their love would always stay with him. Would always be a part of him.

Brian loved Matt and Matt loved Brian. Forever.

Sneaking back into the house, as quiet as he’d left, he locked the door and padded back up the stairs. He smiled, his dog was still in the same position he had left her in, still curled up into a little ball, her little chest rising and falling as she slept. Easing his way into the room, he pulled his clothes off and slipped back between the sheets, holding his breath as his wife stirred.

Blowing it out slowly, he watched her turn over and settled down on his back, arm resting above his head. He would miss Matt, that was a given, he knew the grief and the pain would follow him around until the day he could join his only love. But until that day, he would try to live a full life, knowing Matt would want him to.

Staring up at the ceiling, once again, he let the silent tears trickle down his cheeks and soak into his pillow.