Red Is for Traitor

"Hang her!" The sound of the floor letting go and the sense of falling. A scream no one hears. Faceless bystanders watch as I choke. Endless gasping that will not cease. Clawing at my neck to free myself of the noose. The feeling of being alone as no one tried to help me. A sense of fading from this world. A silent tear to go with the soundless screams.
I bolt upright when I finally wake from the nightmare. Sweat is a second layer of my skin while my heart hammers in my chest. Frustrated, I rake my fingers through my damp knotted hair that tugs painfully. I look around at my deserted cottage. Not even the animals of night are creeping in my house. With a sigh, I swing my feet over the edge of my bed, walk over to the fire to coax it back from the dying embers, and then walk over to the trunk to find another night gown. I laid it off to the side and walked over to my pitcher and bowl. Just another night, a mirror of so many recent ones. It is hard to believe that I once slept through the night without waking to an invisible terror and trying to remember to breathe.
I poured some water into the basin, retrieved a clothes which I dropped into the water, and stripped out of my soiled nightgown. I should sleep naked from now on so I do not have to wash a gown every day. Starting with my still sensitive neck, I slowly wiped myself down head to toe. With a tired sigh I dropped the rag back in the water and redressed myself. For a moment I debated going back to sleep where another terror was probably waiting for me. I was too tired not to go back to sleep so I stumbled back into bed and laid there. It was night like these where I missed not having Araw living in the cottage with me. Having another person to sleep beside made me feel safer like the memories and dreams could not reach me; that I was stronger. How pathetic... My hands went over my eyes as I growled to myself. I was a 26 year old woman, I should be able to sleep on my own. Granted most women my age were married with five kids, but still I should be able to handle sleeping. What was I becoming?
All too soon morning came, light leaking in through the cracks in the shutters and under the door. I rolled on my side and watched the light slowly move across the floor. Was this what mama felt like after papa died? Surely not, probably worse actually. I did not like this feeling. I was lethargic, tired, and wanted to do nothing. Taking a deep breath, I got up and dressed for the day. Around noon I heard Zane's gleeful voice and hurried footsteps outside. Brushing my floured hands on my skirt I walked over to the door and opened it before he could knock. He looked at me startled before breaking out into a smile. "Mak!" He yelled and hugged my waist.
"Good afternoon Zane. How have you been?" I smiled and rubbed his back. Looking down was still a little painful.
"Good. What you doing?" His cheek now had a smear of flour on it.
As I wiped his cheek I replied, "Making some bread, would you like to help?"
"Yeah!" He ran in with the adults laughing.
I turned to Trista, Arawn, and Sindri. "Hello, please come in."
"Hello, Macha." Trista rubbed her cheek to mine before walking over to make sure Zane did not cause a mess.
Next Arawn walked in, gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, and then took a seat at the table. Last to enter was Sindri who gave me a one handed hug and pressed his stubbled cheek to mine. Once I shut the door, I walked over to the table and smiled tiredly. "Do I have the pleasure of having a full cottage today or are some of you leaving?"
"I'm leaving soon, I have a meeting with the Elders and villagers." Sindri replied as Zane climbed into his lap leaving some handprints behind.
"I am supposed to go with Sin. Help me acclimate more to be a werewolf and see the political side of werewolf culture." Arawn smiled before his face dropped into a frown. "Max, are you okay?"
I cocked my head as I began kneading the dough. "What do you mean?"
"You look pale... Paler than usual. You have purple under your eyes."
I waved my hand in dismissal, "I could not sleep last night." My eyes shifted to where Zane was patting his hands together causing a puff of flour. "Zane, are you helping me or playing with the flour?"
Looking as though he was caught with his hands in the cookie jar, he clambered off his father and ran over, "Helping! What you need?"
"I need you to knead the dough while I retrieve dried fruit pieced. You think you can do that?" Zane nodded his head with a smile. "Great." I placed a chair in front of the table and helped the pup up and made sure he did not fall when he stood. While Zane kneaded (played) with the dough, I went over the cabinet for the dried berries I have been saving. When I saw Sindri getting ready to leave I chuckled. "There is a rag beside my basin if you would like to brush some of the flour off your clothes."
"Appreciated, thanks." While he tried to brush off as much flour as possible, I placed the jar on the table.
"I need you to pull the dough apart in equal amounts." With great determination (and the tip of his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth), Zane separated the dough. "Excellent. Add as many berries as you like to your piece of dough and do not forget to keep kneading it, okay?"
"I won't." He took a handful off berried and squished them into the dough.
Sindri walked behind him and kissed his head. "Be good and don't cause a mess. I'll see you in a few hours."
"Okay, bye Poppa." Zane turned to give his father a kiss.
"Bye Arawn. Bye Sindri. Have fun." My eyes glittered with teasing knowing full well the meeting would not be fun.
"Thanks, Macha." Sindri rolled his eyes. "Bye, Mama." He rubbed his cheek to his mother's before stepping out the door.
"Bye, Max. You have fun too." Arawn kissed my cheek, ruffled Zane's hair, and hugged Trista before following Sindri.
"Would you like to help?" I asked Trista who snatched her son's seat after he left.
"No, I'm fine watching you two create a mess." She smiled the more her grandson got into bread making. "We may make a bread maker out of you yet, Zane."
"This fun!" He laughed adding his third handful of berries.
"I can tell." Soon after we placed the bread over the fire to bake and cleaned up the mess we made. For the next two hours Zane and I played games while cleaning or sorting dried herbs. After a while Zane started drifting, needing his afternoon nap. Trista picked him up and placed him in my bed. She sang him a soft lullaby until he fell asleep.
When she walked back to the table, she looked at me long and hard. "What's wrong?" I looked over from where I was checking the bread. "Arawn is right, you look tired and... I wouldn't say unwell be not your usual self."
"I am recovering from a neck trauma, of course I am not my usual self." I defended.
"It goes beyond that." It was like she was looking into my soul. "What is it?"
I sighed, "I have not been sleeping through the night. I am having nightmares."
"Of that day?"
"Yes. I am having a hard time adjusting from this incident."
"It's no surprise, it was terrifying. I may not understand fully what you went through, but watching you... My heart stopped fearing we would not make it."
"I never thought you would come. When would you have heard?"
"You were gone for half a day, we would have noticed."
"It is not so uncommon to have me away from the cottage. I spend time in the village on occasion."
"But we always know when. This was a strange occurrence."
I was quiet as my eyes looked down. "I almost resigned myself to death." I knew I had shocked Trista. "I have known what wearing this cloak means and what would happen if I take it off in public. I have had almost a decade to come to terms with it and to a degree I have. I have no problem dying for something I believe in and that includes being labeled as a wolf ally." I did not use the derogatory word for what people thought of me. "But when the floor dropped and I was hanging there?" My hands started shaking a little. "I was scared. I prayed someone would help me as I gasped and swung."
"Macha." Trista whispered before pulling me into a hug.
"The longer I hung, the more I believed no one was coming."
"We will always come for you, Macha. No matter what."
"I am not pack, you cannot promise that."
She pulled back and held my face in hands. "We will always come for you Macha even if you are not pack."
I did not want to tell her that she could not keep that promise. If it came down to me or a pack mate, they would always pick pack. Nonetheless I smiled at the sentiment. "Thank you."
"Now how are the breads coming?" I sighed at the change in subject. We spent the rest of the day talking and playing when Zane finally woke. Around dinner Arawn and Sindri walking into the cottage.
After talking about the meeting, Sindri looked at me and commented, "Macha, you should stay with the pack or village. Hunters have been spotted nearby and staying here is not safe."
"Because I am a woman?" My brow rose in a challenge. I was tired of hearing that.
Sindri rolled his eyes, "Not really. No one, male or female, should be alone."
"Max, you really should stay with us." I watched Arawn's anxious face. He was afraid of a repeat.
I leaned back and tapped my finger against my lips as my eyes unfocused in thought. I would be safer than if I stayed in this cottage alone. I was a risk and if anything happened some of the wolves would go crazy. Case and point: Arawn. However, this was my home and I was not going to abandon it. I could and would not run away from hunters. I had to be tougher than that. But what is one night until we know their movements and intentions. "Alright, for tonight. But no more than a night or two. This is my home, I will not abandon it." Arawn smiled as Zane cheered about a sleepover.
I packed a few things and brought a loaf to share with the pack. The walk back was cold but pleasant. I was greeted like an old friend and set up residence in a room near Trista and Ivy. The pack gathered for dinner and once Corbin started, the pack dug in. The meal was filled with talking and laughter. I had never experienced this before and it made me smile. The pack was relaxed and for a small fraction of time it appeared they were able to relax enough to smile and joke with each other. This- family, pack- was what I wanted to protect. I never really knew what I wanted, but I was drawn to fight for something and here it was. I wanted to protect this safe feeling so no one had to live in a constant state of distress. A world where you had to look over your should or you might die. That was no world to live in and I wanted to keep people from it.
That night everyone went to their respective beds after a long day. It took me a while to fall asleep. The bed and noises around me were different making falling a sleep hard. Once I did however, it was pretty peaceful... Until the nightmares began. Tonight drudged up memories from the past and present. I could not escape inappropriate hands, the sneer off strangers, the mockery, the beatings, or the rope. I struggled as I was beaten, groped, spat at, pushed, and finally swinging. I could not stop until I bolted upright and kept going. Unlike previous nights, I did not resist the urge to run. Still only in my shift and somehow remembering to grab my cloak, I ran through the snow and forest trying to escape the memories that did not dissipate when I woke. Too lost in my head I did not realize someone was following me. They were silent as they ran behind and finally captured me.
I let out a gasp as warm fingers circled my wristed and carefully but with force, pulled me to them. "No!" I cried and struggled against them.
"Macha! Shhh, Macha it's me." I finally looked up to see worried turquoise eyes staring at me. "It's okay, it's only me." Relieved and beyond my breaking point, I burst into tears and buried my face into Sindri's shoulder. At first he did not know what to do, but quickly he wrapped his arms around me tight. Sometime later he whispered, "Red, what's wrong?" If I had listened close enough I could have heard how heartbroken his voice was, but alas, I was too aware of my own emotions to catch on to his.
"I do not know what to do anymore." I sobbed. "I feel like everything is too much. I cannot sleep, the hanging has unearthed past traumas I thought I had forgotten about but have not. I cannot breathe. My thoughts and memories are crushing me."
"What happened?" Sindri stroked my hair as I turned my face so my ear rested against his heart.
Did I want to tell him? The past that caused me to be who I am now. The many traumatic events that lead to me hating touch (excluding the pack apparently) and being outcasted. It felt necessary though. Like if I tell him (or anyone really) then things might get better. That the poison that had been seeping through my body would finally be sucked out and healing could begin. I debated the thought to his heart beat and gentle stroked.
Finally I spoke but it was not above a whisper. "Where should I begin? It has been so long and so buried that to talk about it seem like it may have been only a nightmare... We left with a step-father who hated us, more so me, and a mother who wanted very little to do with us. I caused problems for them because I was independent and that was not supposed to be how young city girls were to behave. I was beaten for my insolence." I felt Sindri tense under me, but he continued to try and sooth me. "There was rarely a day I was not beaten until I was about fifteen when I learned how to play the city.
"I was treated as an anomaly by the adults and then by my peers as we grew older and I did things that were unlady like. I ran with the boys, I fished, I was better at archery then most amles, I even showed my ankles a few times." I chuckled at the scandalous looks I received from the city women. "Rumors about me flew about in my step-father's social circle. More punishment ensued and I was always compared to my step-sister who was perfect. Everything I did was wrong.
"After my coming out party, I only had one so my parents could try to marry me off, men started looking at me. It did not bother me at first because they only looked... but then one night when I was sixteen one tried to do more." I heard Sindri rumbled in anger, but I could not care enough as tears started again and my breathing became a little irregular. "Nothing serious happened. Well, I bit off part of his tongue, but he did not "taint' me. Rumors flew though about how I overreacted, it was me who came on to him but freaked at the last second, how I was a harlot. Cruel names floated around, but because I was still a virgin I was still considered marriageable. My parents tried, but it was futile when I helped a wolf. I became a pariah. Very few talked to me. Before it was rare for anyone to touch me outside of Arawn, but after I was declared a traitor I was erased. At first it was entertaining to try to get people to talk to me, walk near, or even interact with me. I soon found out it was very isolating. The peers I once considered friends or friendly no longer acted as if I existed. I was a ghost in a city almost filled to capacity.
"My parents talked to me on occasion, but only to punish me or question why I could not have conformed. Why did I have to be difficult? Why did I have to exist? They could not get rid of me however, because the judged declared they had to care for me until I was married off. We all knew I never would since I was a traitor. Arawn was my only friend. Once in a while someone would acknowledge me, but that was only to say something cruel or throw something at me. Eventually I came to terms with my life and decided they were not worth my time. Their thoughts of me did not matter. Well, the city dwellers anyway. It still stung every time my mother saw through me or pretended I did not exist.
"Due to no one caring about me except Arawn, a few men tried to rape me. It almost seemed like a game to them. Who could have sex with the traitor first? It never happened. Many of the men walked away with some sort of injury, while I walked away more alert and bruised. The funny thing is, until this event, the hanging I mean, I never thought about any of this. I knew it had happened. I made sure I was more aware of my surroundings and people, but I rarely dreamt of it. It never threatened me in dreams like the nightmares of recent.
"Here we are, back at the beginning. The last trauma to finally tip the scales and cause an overflow. It was peaceful here. The villagers thought me strange and a little cold, but they respected me. On occasion they even talked to me when I was in the village. I was friendly with some of the pack and life was different, better. Then the hunters came and had to change it. A corrupt society treading hate, anger, and discrimination into a town untainted. What kind of world do we live in that an act of kindness is twisted and warped? Where finding life sacred makes you a traitor and to take off an article of clothing means execution?" I did not expect an answer and an answer I did not receive. Sindri remained quiet as he held me tighter and rested his cheek on my head. We did not speak until a shiver ran through my body. Although Sindri was naturally warm, the night was still bitter cold with winter in full reign.
"We should get back to the Den." He pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. "Are you going to be okay?"
I gave him a wry smile, "When am I never okay?"
"We're standing in the cold at night in the middle of winter, I believe that classifies you as not okay."
"Being technical." I rolled my eyes. "I believe I will be. Talking helped a little, but I fear nightmares will still be my unwanted friend."
His eyes visibly softened, "After everything you talked about I'm not surprised you have them. If you ever need to talk I'm here for you."
"Thank you."
Sindri nodded before pushing me in the direction of the Den. "Come on, I want to get more sleep before dawn comes."
"Okay Sir Pushy." Sindri growled at me and I laughed. After wiping my eyes I began the trek back. We talked quietly about nothing important to try and keep our minds from my past.
We were about half a mile from the Den when Sindri went on alert and let out a warning growl while guiding me behind him. I slipped my knife from me boot and waited for whatever was nearby to approach. Through slightly pointed teeth, Sindri called, "Reveal yourselves."
A few seconds later a man in his thirties walked out from behind a tree with his hands out but still up straight. "I mean no harm." His voice was controlled, but held exhaustion in it. "Is this the Moonshadow Pack territory?"
Standing up straight, but still on guard Sindri replied, "This is."
The man let out a sigh of relief, "We are the Triton Pack and we have been traveling for days to find you and this village."
Startled, we looked at each other before going back to the wolf and the glittering eyes of his pack. "Why?"
"I mean no respect, but I would rather tell the Alpha."
"I am the Beta of this pack and before I allow you into our Den I want to know I can trust you."
The wolf Alpha nodded, "Our territory was captured by hunters, our Den desecrated."
I felt Sindri twitch at the notion of something so sacred being treated so disrespectfully. After analyzing the wolf before him, Sindri nodded. "May I have a name?" He still was compelled to respect Alphas.
"I am Alpha Torrin Triton. And you?"
"Beta Sindri Moonshadow."
"The woman." He looked at me strange, unsure of what I was.
With a pause, Sindri slowly replied, "Macha Lightwood, she is a friend of the pack."
"Not a werewolf then."
"No."
"Very well. Thank you. If you do not mind, I would like to bring my pack to the meeting. We have sustained some terrible losses and wish to stay together."
Sindri understood the desire and need to remain close if what the wolf said was true. "That is fine, but you will have to wait outside of the Den until Alpha Moonshadow allows you and your pack entrance."
"We shall wait then. Thank you." He gave a slight head bow of thanks. Sindri mimicked the motion although a little deeper.
"This way, please." Staying between me and the new pack, we walked the last half mile to the Den.