Red Is for Traitor

Sindri and I did not talk much about what I went through after that night. I would find him watching me whenever we were in the same area and if I was staying at the cottage he would visit at night to make sure I was okay. Some days were worse than others. I would find my hands shaking and my breathing less rhythmic than I would like. My mind was beginning to betray all the trauma I had experienced in my short 26 years of life. Nights were worse because I was usual alone. I would wake up and most times find it nearly impossible to fall back to sleep. In the end I would get up and find something to do. During the day I was more withdrawn, tired, and some days would take naps to try and counteract my interrupted sleep. It probably did not help that more packs came and went, giving no time to try and deal with everything going on in my head. I had to help the wounded wolves, plan out how to fight the hunter, and take care of everyone else. I was not the only one going through terrible disasters, so I tried to keep busy. I was fooling very few however, and I caused quite a few to worry.

"I can take it from here, Miss Macha. You have done enough for the day." Dr. Pent smiled at me.
"No I am fine. Wolves from the Uktary pack need your assistance." I replied not looking up from where I was stitching a wolf's arm.

~~
Sionnah walked up to me. "Macha, let me help you."
"It is fine I can take care of this."
"More the merrier right?" She grinned. I replied with nothing but moved over.

~~
"When was the last time you slept?" Arawn asked as we watched some wolves practice fighting.
"Last night." I replied with my eyes on their movements.
"Let me rephrase that, when was the last time you slept through the night?" I did not reply. I did not know.

~~
"Mak!" Zane shouted as he came to hug me gently.
I smile as I hugged him back. "Hello Zane. How are you?"
"Good! Uncle Corbin says I doing good."
"Excellent!"
He grinned at the praise and then cocked his head. "Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"I am fine. Now lets go for a walk."
"OKAY!"

~~
Without my knowledge five beings stood in the shadows and watched me. They did not speak at first and only watched, but quietly the blonde of the group crossed her arms. "She's not okay. She's paling by the day and has circles under her eyes."
"I agree, but what can we do? Max does not talk about what is bothering her. She has always been tight lipped." My twin commented without looking away from me.
"Are we surprised?" The only human of the group asked. "I understand that we have all been through some terrible events, but I feel she has experienced more than most."
"She has not witness majority of her pack die." The Alpha replied with no malice. "I understand she has been through much, but I do not believe it can be compared to that."
"That is one very traumatic event that still lingers with you. However, you have had time to confront it and come to terms with it. Miss Macha, has had many events that have built up over time and she appears to be a person who does not like to face them."
"She buries them and rarely talks about whatever is bothering her." The Moonshadow Theta replied.
"Not even to you?" The Hunter asked surprised.
"Even to me. She used to, but once we hit our teens in the city she never really talked about what troubled her. There was only one even when she was about fifteen and she was crying. One of the few times I got into a fight with someone."
"What happened?"
The male wolf debated whether or not to tell. "She was nearly raped at a party we attended. Her reputation worsened more after that because everyone believed him over her. She was not liked by many of the city dwellers and that event along with her personality just made everything worse."
"Her disliking touch makes more sense now." The ex-Alpha stated.
"People react to life through the experiences they have. Nothing is for no reason at all. Add everything that you know about her city years plus whatever she never told you Master Arawn and then add what she has experienced here, I am not surprised she looks as she does." The doctor sighed.
"We need to do something." The Hunter hated feeling useless.
"Until she comes to us or settles things on her own, all we can do is support her."
"But she does not seem to want it."
"But she needs it."

~~
I found myself leaning against Sindri as Zane practiced prowling around as a wolf. We did not speak the entire time.

~~
"Miss Macha, would you mind helping me?" A new wolf from a recent arrived pack asked. I nodded and walked over. I readjusted his arms so he had more accuracy when he shot. My hands shook as I instructed him and the 'class' on how to accurately shoot a bow.

~~
Fear. Adrenaline. Abuse. Loneliness. Ignored. Pain. Tears. Wishing. Grieving. Falling. Gasping.
I jolted awake. It was still dark out and the only one in the cottage. No one trying to kill me or torture me or ignore me. I fell backwards with a groan. Once again I laid in bed watching the moon's light cross my floor and trade places with the rising sun.

~~
I missed again. How could I miss a deer again? Oh I know, my hands are shaking too much and my mind unclear. I should probably deal with this.

~~
I gritted my teeth as a she-wolf bumped into me. My ribs flared as she muttered about watching where I was going. I mumbled a sorry back as I fought the vomit trying to make its way up my throat. I leaned against a tree and breathed the pain away. When would my ribs heal?

~~
"You need to take a break, Miss Macha. Your ribs will never heal if you do not give them time to rest." Dr. Pent looked at me worried.
"When is there time? We are in a constant state of war and wolves and people need to be taken care of." I replied in a soft voice.
"Sometimes you need to take care of yourself before you can care for others."
"I will keep that in mind."

~~
"Zane, please go see Grandma." Sindri called to his pup who was playing near the stream.
"But I'm playing with Mak." The almost six year old pouted as he dragged his feet to where Sindri and I were.
"I want to talk to Macha and I believe you have a lesson you should be at."
Zane looked up at his father with crossed arms and narrow eyes. Sindri raised an eyebrow wondering what his pup could possibly be contemplating. "Okay, but be nice to Mak."
The older wolf's brows furrowed. "When am I not nice to her?"
"I don't know, but Mak need niceness." Then Zane turned to be. "Bye Mak, see you soon!" He gave me a hug and then ran off towards the Den.
"What was that about?" I asked confused and a little befuddled.
Sindri waited until Zane was out of ear shot and no one else was around. "What everyone else has noticed." He shifted to look at me. "What's going on Red?"
I tensed, "What do you mean?"
"You know exactly what I mean."
"I do not."
"Don't lie to me Macha."
"I am fine Sindri."
"I know better than anyone you aren't." I glared at him and remained silent. With a huff, he took my hand and pulled me deeper into the woods. I thought about fighting him, but a part of me did not want to. I quietly walk behind him as we walked into part of the woods I had never really ventured to. The part we walked through was not Moonshadow territory, but unclaimed. There were stories that it was dangerous and there were monsters that lived there that would eat you. One story told of a witch with a house made of candy to lure lost children so she could feast on them.
Some time later we came across a clearing that during summer or spring would be filled with wild flowers. I withdrew my hand from my friend's and picked up a dead flower. I twirled it in between my fingers without looking at the man beside me. "I do not sleep." I whispered, gaining Sindri's full attention. This was his plan all along, to bring me somewhere quiet so I could spill my feelings. The wolf knew me too well.
"Nightmares rule my dreams and I end up waking. I rarely fall back to sleep therefore I watch the night pass and turn into day. I am tired, anxious, and losing the ability to care. I feel like I live my days in a fog." Tears started dripping down my face as my heart slowly climbed in beats. "It is always the same. No matter where I turn someone is trying to hurt me. Some nights I am ignored by the people around me as a faceless person beats me. Some nights I am laughed at as I am hung. Some nights I can find no one and I run endlessly trying to find someone, anyone. When I am awake I wonder how this became my life. When did I become so weak?" My breathing became irregular and my heart rate jumped. I turned sharply to look a Sindri in desperation. "How does everyone do it? All the people and wolves have experienced tragedy and yet I am the one falling apart. Why can everyone else handle it while I fall apart?" I pushed him as I shouted, "How can you act so together when half your pack was killed?!" Then I started gasping as an anxiety attack took hold. I could not speak or breathe properly reminding me of the time I was supposed to be put to death. I panicked causing my condition to be worse.
"Macha." Sindri tried to call to me but all I could hear was the pounding of my pulse in my ears. I held on to him as if he was the only thing keeping me from falling into pieces. My legs let go and he easily brought us to our knees. "It's okay, breathe." He cupped my face in his hands so I was looking at him. "Breathe with me. Everything is going to be okay." He started inhaling deeply but slowly and repeated the process when he exhaled. When I did not mimic him, he detached one of my hands from his shirt and placed it on the center of his chest. "Breathe with me." His hand was warm over my cold one and I focused in on that. I tried to match my shallow breathing to the rise and fall of our hands. He whispered to me through my panic never letting go of my hand. It took a little while, but I slowly began to breathe deeply and rhythmically. When I was finally out of the panic, I slumped forward a little exhausted. "You are going to be fine, Macha." He leaned close to me and gently kissed my forehead. My body finally gave in to all the stress and I fell into him. Sindri cradled me in his lap with his arms protectively around me.
"You are a master at this."
"I have a pup."
"I feel like a child." My sentences were beginning to slur.
"Don't, I've done this a few times to mama."
"Don't leahve me." I mumbled as sleep started to claim me.
"I won't. I'll never leave you." I clutched him tighter as consciousness slipped away.
I did not dream. For the first time since I was kidnapped and beaten I did not dream at all. It was peaceful to know that while I slept all there was, was a void. Although I did not feel anything, I felt rejuvenated when I finally woke from the nap. I may have felt better, but I was quite disoriented. I did not open my eyes right away and the first thing I was clear of was being cradles. Next I felt something strong around me, and finally something heavy-ish leaning on my forehead. Upon opening my eyes, I saw Sindri's sleeping face leaning against me. I could not help the blush that spread across my cheeks. How very risque this situation was. A part of me did not care though because for once in a long time I felt content and safe. It reminded me of when we were younger. When we ran around the woods with out a care and took naps wherever we happened to be. We were content and happy. He had always made me feel that way.
"Feeling better?" My eyes snapped open startled to see Sindri looking down at me.
My cheeks redend more causing him to smirk. "Yes, thank you."
His smirk turned into a tender smile. "Good.'' We remained silent as I leaned my head on his shoulder and he put his chin on my head. I do not know what was going through his head, but I was listening to the world around us. It was peaceful, something I had long missed and almost forgotten about. All too soon however, Sindri whispered, "We should head back. Night and dinner will be soon." I nodded and climbed out of his lap. I held my hand out and helped him up. We both stretched to get the stiffness out of our muscles before he took my hand and we started back to the Den.