Status: Yes, I'm using code names for myself and my teachers. That's what all writers do.. right?
Teacher Diaries
Ms. Smith
Dear Ms. Smith,
Like I said to you on the last day of school: I will always remember you. 3rd grade was a life changing experience for me. My parents had just gotten a divorce, I was new to this school, and my dad was getting remarried to someone I had never met before- not to mention she was pregnant. That was the year my life changed forever. That was the year I started to grow up. I remember the child I was back then... I was hurt. Angry. Afraid. I tried to cover up my pain with humor- as I still do to this day. I remember that 2006 was the year that I had to start adjusting to change. I didn't understand it. I didn't know how two people could possibly love each other so much, and then one decides he loves someone else better? I couldn't understand how one could be selfish enough to leave his wife and only daughter for someone else. It was a hard time in my life. I was too young and too dumb to understand. And that had an impact on my behavior.
I know I wasn't the nicest student. I had to give you credit; it was your first year teaching, so we were both new. You were young and shy... Younger than my older sister. So that's how I saw you: as an older sister. I never saw mine anyway, but I saw you everyday, Ms. Smith. I know I told you time and time again how much I didn't like you or that I missed my 2nd grade teacher. But that was only because I didn't know how to express what I was feeling. All of my energy turned negative, and I took it out on you. For years, I've apologized to you for how badly I mistreated you. I mean, I was a good kid. I never got into trouble. I didn't get in fights or misbehave... I just had problems communicating my feelings. I guess I always stayed mad at you for everything wrong in my life, but I know it wasn't your fault. You were so sweet to me. You were always there for me if I needed you, and you never let me down. Ms. Smith, I loved you more than I led you to believe. You were my rock when I needed one. You were perfect to me. I was jealous of you, because of how pretty you were. I was angry that you weren't my big sister and that I only had one short year with you. Having trouble communicating just made me talk excessively. I talked without even thinking or even knowing I was talking. I didn't think before I spoke, and that's what got me into trouble. I was also disrespectful to you, because I only wanted your attention. At the time, you were the only one that could fulfill my needs, because I felt abandoned. I was at the age to where I had grown past the "I love Mommy and Daddy" phase. I loved you. I loved laughing with you. I still remember your laugh... Your smile... The sparkle in your eyes... Your hugs. You had the sweetest hugs. When you hugged me, I never wanted you to let go. I felt as if you were the only person I had in my life. You were the only one I could trust. I loved you, Ms. Smith. I still love you- just as much! I was only mean because I didn't know what else I could feel besides angry. I let all of my anger out on you. I guess you knew part of what was going on. Every time you made me pull my color for talking too much, you'd let me put it back. Every time that happened, I would sink into a deep, anxious depression for the rest of the day. I'd cry or get very quiet, and I would finally breathe when you let me off the hook. Bad grades and bad behavior wasn't something I tolerated. I just wasn't sure how to handle myself...
I didn't realize how much I loved you until I didn't have you anymore. I remember in 4th grade, I'd cry myself to sleep at night because I missed you so much. I dreaded not being around you. You were my comfort zone. I felt safe around you. I remember I would write "I love Ms. Smith" on my hand everyday. I missed you. You were my big sister. Everyday would pass, and I wanted you to tell me you loved me. I was too afraid to tell you that I loved you, because I was afraid you wouldn't say it back. But I did. You were my role model. I loved you more than you could have ever imagined.
I remember in 5th grade, I was less depressed about not seeing you. That was the year I really hit puberty, so my emotions were everywhere. I remember you invited me and three other students to your wedding, and then I was the first one you told that you were pregnant. I remember leaving notes on your desk all the time telling you how much i loved you. I remember leaving 5th grade... Leaving you... Hugging you for the last time. I wanted to tell you I loved you more than anything. But I couldn't. So I just hugged you and hugged you until it was time to let go. You wrote in my yearbook that I had grown up into a smart, beautiful young lady and that you'd miss me. You had no idea how much I was hurting on the inside. I was leaving to go to middle school, and I wouldn't see you everyday. I had no way of contacting you. I was no longer a part of your life. I'd find myself in tears at times over the summer, because I missed you so much.
I remember my first day of middle school. When I was in the car... I couldn't get out at first. I was stuck... Out of no where, I started to cry. I'm not one to cry in front of people, and I never wanted to appear as sensitive or weak. But I couldn't take it. I remember crying that "I miss Ms. Smith. I wanna go back to elementary school. I don't wanna do this. I need her." The pain was unbearable.
About half way through 6th grade, we did become Facebook friends. It felt better knowing that i could still contact you, but it hurt so much that I couldn't see you...
Ms. Smith, I promised you that you'd always be my favorite teacher, and I have always kept that promise. You were there for me when I was undeserving. You were my rock and support system. Today, I still see you as a big sister, and I haven't stopped loving you. I could never love you any less or more. I think of you all the time, and we chat on Facebook, but it's not the same. I just finished my sophomore year in high school, and now I'm transferring schools again for better opportunities. Change is a scary process. But you've helped me learn that sometimes it's for the better.
Like I said to you on the last day of school: I will always remember you. 3rd grade was a life changing experience for me. My parents had just gotten a divorce, I was new to this school, and my dad was getting remarried to someone I had never met before- not to mention she was pregnant. That was the year my life changed forever. That was the year I started to grow up. I remember the child I was back then... I was hurt. Angry. Afraid. I tried to cover up my pain with humor- as I still do to this day. I remember that 2006 was the year that I had to start adjusting to change. I didn't understand it. I didn't know how two people could possibly love each other so much, and then one decides he loves someone else better? I couldn't understand how one could be selfish enough to leave his wife and only daughter for someone else. It was a hard time in my life. I was too young and too dumb to understand. And that had an impact on my behavior.
I know I wasn't the nicest student. I had to give you credit; it was your first year teaching, so we were both new. You were young and shy... Younger than my older sister. So that's how I saw you: as an older sister. I never saw mine anyway, but I saw you everyday, Ms. Smith. I know I told you time and time again how much I didn't like you or that I missed my 2nd grade teacher. But that was only because I didn't know how to express what I was feeling. All of my energy turned negative, and I took it out on you. For years, I've apologized to you for how badly I mistreated you. I mean, I was a good kid. I never got into trouble. I didn't get in fights or misbehave... I just had problems communicating my feelings. I guess I always stayed mad at you for everything wrong in my life, but I know it wasn't your fault. You were so sweet to me. You were always there for me if I needed you, and you never let me down. Ms. Smith, I loved you more than I led you to believe. You were my rock when I needed one. You were perfect to me. I was jealous of you, because of how pretty you were. I was angry that you weren't my big sister and that I only had one short year with you. Having trouble communicating just made me talk excessively. I talked without even thinking or even knowing I was talking. I didn't think before I spoke, and that's what got me into trouble. I was also disrespectful to you, because I only wanted your attention. At the time, you were the only one that could fulfill my needs, because I felt abandoned. I was at the age to where I had grown past the "I love Mommy and Daddy" phase. I loved you. I loved laughing with you. I still remember your laugh... Your smile... The sparkle in your eyes... Your hugs. You had the sweetest hugs. When you hugged me, I never wanted you to let go. I felt as if you were the only person I had in my life. You were the only one I could trust. I loved you, Ms. Smith. I still love you- just as much! I was only mean because I didn't know what else I could feel besides angry. I let all of my anger out on you. I guess you knew part of what was going on. Every time you made me pull my color for talking too much, you'd let me put it back. Every time that happened, I would sink into a deep, anxious depression for the rest of the day. I'd cry or get very quiet, and I would finally breathe when you let me off the hook. Bad grades and bad behavior wasn't something I tolerated. I just wasn't sure how to handle myself...
I didn't realize how much I loved you until I didn't have you anymore. I remember in 4th grade, I'd cry myself to sleep at night because I missed you so much. I dreaded not being around you. You were my comfort zone. I felt safe around you. I remember I would write "I love Ms. Smith" on my hand everyday. I missed you. You were my big sister. Everyday would pass, and I wanted you to tell me you loved me. I was too afraid to tell you that I loved you, because I was afraid you wouldn't say it back. But I did. You were my role model. I loved you more than you could have ever imagined.
I remember in 5th grade, I was less depressed about not seeing you. That was the year I really hit puberty, so my emotions were everywhere. I remember you invited me and three other students to your wedding, and then I was the first one you told that you were pregnant. I remember leaving notes on your desk all the time telling you how much i loved you. I remember leaving 5th grade... Leaving you... Hugging you for the last time. I wanted to tell you I loved you more than anything. But I couldn't. So I just hugged you and hugged you until it was time to let go. You wrote in my yearbook that I had grown up into a smart, beautiful young lady and that you'd miss me. You had no idea how much I was hurting on the inside. I was leaving to go to middle school, and I wouldn't see you everyday. I had no way of contacting you. I was no longer a part of your life. I'd find myself in tears at times over the summer, because I missed you so much.
I remember my first day of middle school. When I was in the car... I couldn't get out at first. I was stuck... Out of no where, I started to cry. I'm not one to cry in front of people, and I never wanted to appear as sensitive or weak. But I couldn't take it. I remember crying that "I miss Ms. Smith. I wanna go back to elementary school. I don't wanna do this. I need her." The pain was unbearable.
About half way through 6th grade, we did become Facebook friends. It felt better knowing that i could still contact you, but it hurt so much that I couldn't see you...
Ms. Smith, I promised you that you'd always be my favorite teacher, and I have always kept that promise. You were there for me when I was undeserving. You were my rock and support system. Today, I still see you as a big sister, and I haven't stopped loving you. I could never love you any less or more. I think of you all the time, and we chat on Facebook, but it's not the same. I just finished my sophomore year in high school, and now I'm transferring schools again for better opportunities. Change is a scary process. But you've helped me learn that sometimes it's for the better.