Teacher Diaries

Mrs. Rage,

Hi. Remember me? I'm sure you do. I mean, how could you forget the one student that actually really liked you? I was the one who brought you flowers on your birthday. I was the one that wrote you appreciation notes all the time and never let you forget how much I loved you. I was the only student that stood up for you. I was the student that never let any other student talk down on you, because you were an idol of mine. Still don't remember me? Ok... Maybe this will jog your memory:
I was the one that sat in the very front of the room, because you said I couldn't pay attention. (Which was true). But, I mean, it's not like that was a secret or anything. The whole class knew about it since you were kind enough to announce that. I was also the one that you said had an eating disorder, and that that was the reason I couldn't pay attention. And yes, the whole class knew that too! And they never let me forget it. I was the one who one day said, "I really feel smart", sarcastically after you got angry at me for not understanding the notes, and then you replied, "You shouldn't!". And you know what? Not even that set me too far over the edge. But then one day, my friend Ashley and I (the ones that you treated like idiots) heard noises coming from the hallway. After several glances at each other, I finally asked you, "Mrs. Rage, what's that noise coming from outside the hallway?", since it was clearly distracting. Do you remember when you said, "I DON'T KNOW. IT'S PROBABLY THE SPECIAL ED KIDS!!! AND SINCE YOU CAN'T SEEM TO PAY ATTENTION, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO JOIN THEM!"
That was the final straw for me...

Mrs. Rage, nothing you ever said to me made me adore you less. But it did make me hate someone else a little bit more. You know who you made me hate? I started hating me. Myself. My own self! As if you couldn't tell, yes! I had eating problems!! Clearly, that meant I was not the most confident person in the world! And no, I wasn't the smartest kid either! But who worked harder than ANYONE in that class to please you and keep a "B" average CONSISTENTLY all year! No, I wasn't as smart as the other kids. But I sure as HELL was the hardest worker out of all your classes. I spent HOURS studying and reviewing, and sometimes, that was only good enough for a "C". But you know what? That was the best I could do. I tried my absolute HARDEST to please you, but NOTHING that I EVER did was good enough. I remember one day I was in your classroom during seventh period, trying to catch up on some notes that I had been absent for. The more questions I asked, the angrier you got. Honestly, yeah! That pissed me off!! Sure, your class was in the middle of a test. But didn't every teacher say, "If you have questions, ask!"? That's what I did. Excuse me for attempting to understand something that I had NO knowledge once so ever about. Finally, after my last question, you didn't just yell at me... You screamed... I'll never forget the look of anger and fury you held in your eyes as you shouted, "THEY ARE TAKING A TEST!!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT! I DON'T HAVE TO HELP YOU!! GET OUT OF MY ROOM NOW!!!"
I had never gotten in trouble at school... I'd never been kicked out of a classroom. Of course, I acted like nothing had happened and just walked out of the room as quickly as I could... But I think that was the first time I ever had to lock myself in a bathroom stall to just cry. At that time in my life, I didn't know what was going on with me. I was thirteen. I had things that I didn't even know existed... And i truly and honestly... I looked up to you.

The more you put me down, the more depressed I became. It finally got to a point to where I'd come home EVERY single day and just break down in tears. But I liked you so much that I wouldn't tell anyone that you were being such a bully to me. I didn't want you to get into trouble... I didn't want you to turn everything around on me and make it seem like I wasn't the victim. And... Most of all, I just wanted you to like me. I didn't think that was too much to want... I needed to be loved. I was confused. I was so lost...

Finally, after I had had enough of being called stupid and anorexic, my mom took me to a therapist. I had completely stopped eating. I couldn't pay attention to anything, and I just wasn't happy at all. The therapist diagnosed me with mental illnesses that I didn't even know existed at the time... Depression? Anxiety? Bulimia? Anorexia? Insomnia? ADD? Dependent Personality Disorder? Who knew I was sick? I didn't... But you know what else therapy taught me? ...The more people try and force you to eat; the more people TELL you that you have an eating disorder; the more that people don't leave you alone until you can't help but break!! THAT is a contributing factor to the problem itself. YOU made me worse. You made me question my existence more than any thirteen year old should.

I had three weeks left of 7th grade... three weeks left with the teacher that i adored and craved that same adoration from... I was put on Ritalin. I immediately told you about it, because i thought, hey, maybe that can be something you'll be proud of.

Mrs. Rage, you are someone whom i could never forget. I loved you... I still love you. I don't know why after the way you treated me. But I did. All I ever wanted was for you to like me. But that was the year that my life changed.

I was no longer the innocent, quiet singer chick that no one really liked or didn't like. i wasn't popular, but everyone knew me. The way you talked to me... the way you talked about me... those words spread like wildfire... I wasn't just the singer chick anymore. I was the gothic, anorexic, attention seeking, eating disorder chick who thinks she's better than anyone just because she can carry a tune chick. My reputation... It was gone. At least, the good part of it was. I'm still known as the person you told me I was. You were a bully... And you'll never know how much you changed my life.