Teacher Diaries

Mrs. Charlotte,

I'm not even sure how to start this... I have so many things to say to you... and so many questions to ask. I don't know where to begin...

I guess I can begin with the good part. You were one of the best teachers I have ever had. Biology was hard, but you never failed to make me love it. You were such a sweet, kind, shy, and sensitive person- much like myself. You seemed so fragile. You reminded me a lot of myself, which is why I loved you so much.

I remember the day you found out about my problems... I was having a blackout during lab one day. I remember the look on your face when the words "anorexia" fell out of my mouth. How sympathetic you were... How you wrapped your arms around me and told me that things would be okay. I knew that if I fainted, you would be the one to catch me.

For the rest of that semester, I lost more and more weight, but you always encouraged me to feel better. I eventually got down to eighty pounds, and people started noticing. The blackouts came more frequently, and the bullying got out of hand. I was having problems at home, and I was still figuring out how to battle this monster called Depression. I had cut before, but it soon became a habit... I started cutting. Day after day after day, a new scar would appear on my wrist. One day, it got out of hand...

My sleeves weren't long enough to cover my mutilated arms. Red blood clashed with my pale skin. I remember seeing the look in your eyes... pain was what I saw the most. I remember trying to laugh it off, but you didn't laugh with me... Instead, you took me by my hurt wrist and walked me to the counselor's office in tears.

"Mrs. Charlotte, it's not that bad. Don't worry. I'm okay. Look, it's not bad. It can go away." But nothing I said slowed you down or stopped your tears...

Seeing you cry killed me... but I found comfort in it. No one had ever cared like that before.. I didn't know how to understand that. You held my hand while you cried. I gently wiped your tears from your soft face, trying to comfort you. I shed a tear knowing that I was the one causing you this pain. You told me you loved me. That you cared about me. I remember listening to that but not hearing it. I just held your hand and put my head on your shoulder.

This happened repeatedly until January.

It seemed like I had a new problem everyday... I craved your attention, I admit. But I was obviously not okay. I told you everything. My Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Anxiety, and my rarest disorder of all: Dependent Personality Disorder. My dependency soon became obsession. I was obsessed with your love and attention. No amount of it could've ever been enough. It was like a drug to me that I couldn't stop taking. That was when I noticed a change...

I was put in a mental facility for a week January of my freshman year. That was the longest I had ever gone without cutting. I came out with a better mindset, but I still wasn't fully recovered. When I returned, I was called down to the counselor's office. She told me... to leave you alone... That I didn't need to be with you as much as I was... That I had an A in your class and shouldn't attend your tutoring sessions anymore... That it was against the teacher's policy to hug students as much as you hugged me... That meeting hurt me. The desire to cut came back.

I asked you, "Why didn't you just come to me about this? Why did I have to hear this from someone else?" ... That's always been a pet peeve of mine. I've always believed that if someone has a problem with me, then why would they go to someone else to fix it? No one else can fix me- only I can fix me.
"I didn't wanna hurt your feelings," you said nonchalantly. No eye contact was made. I looked at you for answers. "You had just been released from treatment- I didn't want to interfere with that."

My thoughts were, fuck treatment! I thought you cared about me. I was so heartbroken. I couldn't think straight.

As the semester went on, we became more and more distant... I still adored you more than life itself, but you didn't seem to share the adoration anymore.

At the end of the year, I overheard you telling someone that you were leaving the school and moving far away to attend another job. That was the first I heard of it...

"You're leaving?" I asked, "Why.???" You gave me the most untrue answer... "We're just moving. My husband found a new job." Right... Like you just randomly decided to move and not tell me about it?! How could that happen? Why didn't I know? Were you just going to let me leave this school not knowing that you left? Why didn't you just say it? I was the reason you were leaving.

To this day, I still have not heard from you. At a debate tournament my sophomore year, we had a tournament at the school you now teach at. I left you a note on your desk, but you never replied to it. I asked you to be my Facebook friend, but you blocked me. I emailed you once my sophomore year, and once my junior year, but I never got a reply back...

You broke my heart, Mrs. Charlotte. I cared about you and adored you more than you could've ever imagined. I don't understand how you can walk away from someone that loved you so much... If anyone ever loved me as much as I loved you, I'd be the happiest person alive.

You validated my abandonment issues... You made me more broken than I could've been. Now the scars are permanent... And they will never be gone.