I Should Be Ashamed of This, I'm Not

When he opened his eyes that morning, Mike didn’t know exactly where he was. It wasn’t any different than any other morning because he woke up in a different city every morning but this was not his hotel room. He remembered having left his room in a complete mess the night before, too impatient to get drunk and judging on the pounding headache, he had indeed gotten drunk. But this room was clean and well ordered. He turned around in the bed and his eyes fell on someone else sleeping next to him. He assumed it was a guy from the short brown hair and the stubble he could see on his cheek. What was worse was that whoever this guy was seemed to be naked and that’s only when the realization hit him that he was naked too.

“Oh my god! Fuck! This isn’t real!” Mike told himself, probably louder than he intended to because the once peacefully sleeping boy rolled over, groaning quietly and opening his eyes. At this moment, Rian realized that this boy was Rian and his suspicions were confirmed. He had indeed had sex with Rian last night. He knew how hard the other boy was crushing on him and Mike couldn’t deny that he also might have feelings for Rian but he had a girlfriend and he loved her.

“What’s going on? Why are you here?” Rian asked groggily, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m pretty sure we had sex last night.” Mike said, unsure of how he should be feeling right now.

“Oh, that should explain why my ass hurts as much as my head.” Rian groaned.

“Yeah, but, I know that we were drunk but I have a girlfriend. And I’m freaking out.” Mike said, getting out of the bed and picking up his boxers from the floor, pulling them on.

“Oh…” Rian said, sitting up on the bed and watching Mike gather the rest of his clothes. The taller boy finished putting on his clothes and quickly exited the room, leaving Rian alone and slightly confused.

Once he was back in his room, Mike sat on the end of the bed, memories of last night coming back to him. He was disgusted with himself. Not only did he cheat on his girlfriend, he did this with Rian out of all people and that disgusted him more than anything else, not because Rian was a guy but because he felt like he had used Rian. He fucked him, freaked out when he woke up and left Rian on his own when it was obvious that the smaller drummer wanted and hoped for more. But at the same time, he couldn’t bring himself to feel ashamed of what he had done now that the memories of that night seemed clearer. He had a taste of Rian and now, it was all he wanted. And that’s how he realized that he just wasn’t ashamed for what he had done to his girlfriend but he still felt disgusted at himself for using Rian. So he made the decision to break up with his girlfriend. It just wasn’t fair for her. As the days went on though, Mike couldn’t talk or even look at Rian without feeling guilty. He knew he wanted Rian but the younger boy was probably pissed at him. What Mike couldn’t see though was the longing look the younger sent him when he wasn’t looking or the way pain seemed to flash in his eyes every time the Mexican boy avoided him.

That went on for two weeks before Rian finally decided to confront the older boy. He had wanted to do it for a while now but he couldn’t seem to get the guts to do it. This time though, he was going to do it. He waited after the show that and as soon as he was off stage, he made his way to Pierce The Veil’s dressing room, hoping that Mike was there or that someone could at least tell him where he was. When Rian got there though, Vic was alone.

“Have you seen Mike?” Rian asked as he walked in the dressing room.

“Yeah, he’s still in the shower. He should be out soon.” Vic said. “You can wait for him here if you want. Everyone ditched me apparently.”

Rian sighed and sat next to Vic, looking at him intently.

Sensing the drummer’s eyes on him, Vic turned his head to him. “There’s something wrong, right?”

“Yeah. Mike’s avoiding me and I’m not so sure why.” Rian sighed.

“Well, maybe I shouldn’t tell you this but I think he might like you more than has a friend.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Rian said softly.

“I know Mike, he’s my brother and I’ve seen him look at people the way he looks at you and act with them the way he does with you. Turns out most of the time, he had a crush on that person.” Vic said.

“But he has a girlfriend.” Rian pointed out.

“Not anymore… He broke up with her like two weeks ago. I’m not sure why but I think it had something to with his feelings for you.” Vic said.

“Two weeks ago? Shit! It’s all my fault. I’ m such an idiot!” Rian said, getting up from the couch and starting to pace around the room anxiously. “I could’ve stopped all of this if I didn’t let my stupid feelings take over!”

“What do you mean?” Vic asked.

“I mean that we kind of had sex two weeks ago when we were drunk and Mike freaked out the day after and he’s been avoiding me since then. But I love him Vic. I did since the beginning of this tour but I never tried anything and I’ve been stupid enough to think that it meant something more to him even though we were completely drunk.” Rian explained.

“I’m pretty sure he feels the same. I told you. The way he looks at you and acts around you is just too obvious to me. He loves you Rian.” Vic said just as Mike came back in the dressing room. “C’mon go talk to him.” He whispered, giving Rian a small push on the back.

“Uh, hey Mike. Can I talk to you?” Rian asked walking towards the taller boy.

“Uh, yeah, alright.” Mike replied, hanging his head down in shame. He couldn’t avoid it this time.
“I’ll leave you guys alone.” Vic said, getting up and quickly exiting the room.

“I’m sorry okay.” Rian said with a sigh, almost sacred to look at the taller boy. “I know that you’re avoiding me since we… y’know, had sex and I know it might’ve made things pretty awkward between us. I know that you broke up with your girlfriend after it happened, Vic told me. But we were drunk and even if I would’ve wanted to stop it, I couldn’t do anything.” The younger boy sighed again.

“What the fuck do you even mean?” Mike said. “I thought you’d pissed off at me. I thought you hated me, that you thought I had used you!”

“Why? I’m not mad at all!” Rian said.

“Well, I am. I’m mad at myself because I feel like I used you. It was not my intention but I feel like I did. And you know what’s worse. I liked it and I wanted more. I still do and I’ve wanted this for so long. But I’m mad at myself for the way it happened and the way I reacted. But I wanted more than just sex and I didn’t mean to use you.” The older boy admitted.

“Do you still want more?” Rian asked. “Because I do. I’ve wanted this since the beginning of this tour. Since the first time I saw you, I knew I felt something more.”

“Yes, I do. The reason I broke up with my girlfriend is that I realized you were the one I wanted. And I’m still sorry.”

“I admit I was kinda confused at first, then I was mad but I didn’t know who I had to be mad at. I was upset too because I had hoped that it might mean something more to you.”

“It did mean something more, Rian. But I was confused and I was scared.” Mike admitted. “I love you Rian, more than I probably should.” He said, leaning down to let his lips collide with Rian’s.

Rian immediately returned the kiss, pressing his lips harder against Mike’s, his arms reaching up to hook around the older boy’s neck as he stood on the tip of his toes. Mike’s hands slowly went down to the small of Rian’s back, bringing the smaller boy closer to him. They were so into the kiss that neither of them heard the door open and Vic enter the room.

“I told you, Rian.” Vic said.

“Can you just fuck off, Vic. We’re kind of having a moment here.” Mike replied, quickly reattaching his lips with Rian’s.