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The young man looked up from his perch in the deep green forest. His eyes were filled with wistful longing and his heart felt like it was being sawn apart by micoscopic papercuts. Large tears rolled down his cheeks and he looked back down at the picture on his lap. Through tear blurred vision he traced his fingers over the man's face in the picture. He could almost feel the smooth texture of his skin beneath his fingers, and smell the faint orange-cinnamon scent he always wore.

He clutched the image to his chest as the image of his friend kissing a woman he didn't know. Later that day his friend called and told him he was getting married. He'd lied and congratulated him even as all his secret dreams crumbled and his heart was crushed. He stood abruptly and ran back home his mind finally made up. Once there, he wrote a long, revealing letter to his friend letting his tears stain the paper as his mind continuously tortured him of passionate embraces and warm loving arms he would never know.

He folded the letter into an envelope, scribbled his friend's name and the words 'I'm sorry' on the front. He grabbed a knife, a rope, and his letter and went to his friend's apartment. He could hear them laughing together through the door and his heart broke all over again. He taped the note to their door, knocked on the door as loudly as he could and ran before it opened. He watched only long enough to see his friend begin to read and rushed back to his forest.

Chris opened his door and frowned a little since no one was there. He was about to shrug it off as a prank when he noticed the envelope and his friend Lex's familiar flowing script across the front. He pulled it off and went back in to sit beside his fiance holding the letter.

"Who was it dear?" she asked not noticing the letter.

He didn't answer at first, but then he lifted it for her to see, "I think it was Lex, but he wasn't there. Just this envelope."

"Well, aren't you going to read it. Maybe he's trying to lure you to a surprise party," she smiled as she spoke. She hadn't really met Lex, but she already liked him just from the things she'd heard from Chris. Her loving smile turned to concern as Chris began to read and tears splashed down his face. "Honey, what's wrong?"

His voice was dead and he wouldn't look at her and he didn't answer her, he only read the letter out loud:

My Dearest Love,

Chris, if you're reading this then you should know that what's happened isn't your fault and it's too late to stop me. This letter is both a confession and an absolution. A confession of my feelings, and an apology absolving you of any guilt you may feel. Before I start to ramble I suppose I should begin my confession.

I love you. I've been in love with you for many years now. I dreamt of kissing you, and sleeping in your warm embrace. At night I would pleasure myself and wish it was you instead. I wanted you so badly that it was torture to be near you, but I knew you would never love me like that. So, I kept it all inside and suffered silently. I knew you dated and it made me jealous, but somehow I had managed to delude myself into thinking you secretly loved me too.

That hug that seemed to last a little longer became a declaration of love. Your hand gripping mine a little more firmly a signal of intent. Imagined caresses down my back when you let me go became barely controlled desire to make love to me. Your kind and loving smile as you seemed to lean a little closer became barely leashed attempt to kiss me. At one point I thought I was going mad.

The delusions continued, but I ignored them and kept acting like I only wanted to be your friend. All those delusions ended today. I saw you kissing her in the forest where we used to hang out as teenagers. I still go there and sit among the trees and wished you were mine. I ran before either of you saw me and I cried. I cried for the loss; I cried for my own foolishness. My heart began to splinter.

I went home and convinced myself that it was just another girlfriend and that you'd let me see on purpose to make me jealous. My delusions returned full force until you called. I could hear the naked joy, love and wonder in your voice as you told me about the wedding. Immediately my world of illusions crumbled to dust. I told you I was happy for you and I held back the tears as my heart finally splintered.

I sat in our forest for hours trying to think of what to do, and I've decided. I can't live without you Chris. I've been trying to for years and it's been a slow death. Tell everyone I'm sorry and let them read this if you wish. I'm sure that you think I'm disgusting for loving you. I was raised to think of people like myself as disgusting abominations.

Since I can no longer have what I want most in life, I've decided it's not worth living. Please do not blame yourself when you finish this and find my body. It's not your fault. It's my fault for falling in love with a star in the sky when I am a mere pebble on the earth. You were always too far for me to reach and I was too scared to acknowledge that.

Perhaps when I die I can become a star too. I'll always love you, even in death. Please be happy with her. Love her as I loved you, unconditionally and unwaveringly. I'll watch over you always my love.

My body will be in our forest, tell my family I'm sorry.

Love,
Lex

Shock and horror rolled from her in waves as he read and she began to cry. She cried for a man she never knew and whose death she had caused. She looked up when Chris touched her arm and she cried harder. How could she not have known? She looked at the pictures of Chris and Lex on the wall. After hearing the letter she could see the obvious love in Lex's eyes.

Chris watched her cry and wanted to cry too. He stared blankly at the wall. When he spoke his voice was even and toneless, "I have to go find him." Even after reading the letter he couldn't believe his friend had killed himself. He jumped up and scrambled out the door with his still sobbing fiance hot on his heels.

They found Lex hanging from a tree with a rope around his neck and deep gashes from wrist to elbow.

Thirty years later, their kids were grown and Chris was lying beside his wife. They had married on Lex's birthday and cried together every year on their anniversary. Chris turned to his wife and stroked her hair. She smiled at him and kissed his hand. He looks deep into her eyes and tears sparkle in them. "I loved him too. I've always been in love with Lex. I used you to make him jealous enough to ask me out."

She smiles softly and the tears fall, "I know. I've always known."

As sudden as if it were always meant to happen, Chris's breathing slowed and his eyes dimmed. She watched her husband die and the tears fell faster. He wiped at her cheeks feebly and spoke with his eyes distant and unseeing, "Lex, I'm coming." He exhaled and didn't inhale again. She sobbed onto his shoulder unable to breathe.

The last thing she saw before her grief killed her two days later was Lex and Chris holding their hands out to her with loving smiles on their faces.