Birdie
Day Twenty-Five
I no longer sing.
I can’t, physically it is like my voice is broken and I am left silent, I haven’t sung since she went away and that makes me feel sad. It has been twenty five days and I am so overwhelmed by sadness that I want to die.
I am struck by how much has changed since she went away as I lie on my bedroom floor, music playing softly in the background, at night time wishing on stars she would just come back, just for a second. Just so I have the chance to say goodbye, Ali didn’t let me say goodbye I can’t even remember the last conversation we had, I think it was about a boy and that makes the sadness so much worse, like a whole in my heart has been opened up.
A sigh escapes my lips and with it wistfulness and I think my heart might be physically broken, really broken and that makes the sting ten times worse. I stand pausing the music from my iPod and making my way down the stairs to the lounge room like I used to do when I was a child and had a bad dream, only I’m not sleeping anymore and my dream is like a waking nightmare.
My dad is in the lounge room watching the home shoppers channel and for a second when he turns around he has this smile on his face as if I might be my sister and I see the disappointment evident on his face when he realises it is only me. He has been doing that more and more lately, mistaking me silently for my sister and that makes my head and heart throb dully. I want to tell him I miss her too but I don’t have my whiteboard with me and I can’t talk, not now.
“Oh hey Abigail” I can hear the disappointment in his voice and it renders me silent, even more silent than normal if that is possible and I can’t help but feel that whole in my heart open up again eating me and the awkward situation I am in with my dad. I manage a feeble wave, I want to sit next to him like I used to do as a child when I had a nightmare but I can’t, I just can’t so I make my way to the kitchen and grab a drink, I pretend it is the reason I had come out of my room but I think we both know it’s not, I had come in search of company.
Only I don’t want my dad’s company, not when he is feeling sorry for himself and watching the home shoppers network. I want to tell my dad how desperately lonely I am but I can’t find the words, my voice again fails me and I am left staring at the back of his head waiting for words that never come and feelings that are better left buried.
I want to tell my dad that I can no longer sing but it all seems so trivial, nothing matters anymore and I am left gasping for air struck by the pain of my sadness. I want to reach out and hug my dad but mostly, well mostly I want to know my dad is okay but I don’t. I don’t know he is okay and a dull thud erupts in my temple at the thought.
I make my way back up the stairs and to my room, the one I shared with Alison until she died and lay down on the floor playing the music softly in the background trying to eat up the silence because the silence is all I hear anymore. The silence of my words and the silence of her replies, I feel overwhelmingly sad again but I don’t move, I don’t breathe for a second I do absolutely nothing but feel. I reach for the whiteboard tracing along the edges as I lay remembering how it had felt in my hands at school earlier that day, when at lunch Eli had sat next to me and gave me that smile that makes my heart forget for a second the sadness that squashes it. I shake away the thoughts of Eli because I feel like I am betraying Alison by thinking of him here in her sanctuary, instead I think of her but all I can see is the night she died.
And I want nothing more than to copy her and take the cowards way out, only I’m no longer sure she was a coward. I’m starting to think she was the strongest person I’ve ever met to survive so long with such sadness, it has been twenty five days and I am slowly going insane.
I can’t, physically it is like my voice is broken and I am left silent, I haven’t sung since she went away and that makes me feel sad. It has been twenty five days and I am so overwhelmed by sadness that I want to die.
I am struck by how much has changed since she went away as I lie on my bedroom floor, music playing softly in the background, at night time wishing on stars she would just come back, just for a second. Just so I have the chance to say goodbye, Ali didn’t let me say goodbye I can’t even remember the last conversation we had, I think it was about a boy and that makes the sadness so much worse, like a whole in my heart has been opened up.
A sigh escapes my lips and with it wistfulness and I think my heart might be physically broken, really broken and that makes the sting ten times worse. I stand pausing the music from my iPod and making my way down the stairs to the lounge room like I used to do when I was a child and had a bad dream, only I’m not sleeping anymore and my dream is like a waking nightmare.
My dad is in the lounge room watching the home shoppers channel and for a second when he turns around he has this smile on his face as if I might be my sister and I see the disappointment evident on his face when he realises it is only me. He has been doing that more and more lately, mistaking me silently for my sister and that makes my head and heart throb dully. I want to tell him I miss her too but I don’t have my whiteboard with me and I can’t talk, not now.
“Oh hey Abigail” I can hear the disappointment in his voice and it renders me silent, even more silent than normal if that is possible and I can’t help but feel that whole in my heart open up again eating me and the awkward situation I am in with my dad. I manage a feeble wave, I want to sit next to him like I used to do as a child when I had a nightmare but I can’t, I just can’t so I make my way to the kitchen and grab a drink, I pretend it is the reason I had come out of my room but I think we both know it’s not, I had come in search of company.
Only I don’t want my dad’s company, not when he is feeling sorry for himself and watching the home shoppers network. I want to tell my dad how desperately lonely I am but I can’t find the words, my voice again fails me and I am left staring at the back of his head waiting for words that never come and feelings that are better left buried.
I want to tell my dad that I can no longer sing but it all seems so trivial, nothing matters anymore and I am left gasping for air struck by the pain of my sadness. I want to reach out and hug my dad but mostly, well mostly I want to know my dad is okay but I don’t. I don’t know he is okay and a dull thud erupts in my temple at the thought.
I make my way back up the stairs and to my room, the one I shared with Alison until she died and lay down on the floor playing the music softly in the background trying to eat up the silence because the silence is all I hear anymore. The silence of my words and the silence of her replies, I feel overwhelmingly sad again but I don’t move, I don’t breathe for a second I do absolutely nothing but feel. I reach for the whiteboard tracing along the edges as I lay remembering how it had felt in my hands at school earlier that day, when at lunch Eli had sat next to me and gave me that smile that makes my heart forget for a second the sadness that squashes it. I shake away the thoughts of Eli because I feel like I am betraying Alison by thinking of him here in her sanctuary, instead I think of her but all I can see is the night she died.
And I want nothing more than to copy her and take the cowards way out, only I’m no longer sure she was a coward. I’m starting to think she was the strongest person I’ve ever met to survive so long with such sadness, it has been twenty five days and I am slowly going insane.