Verboten

“I see myself as a freak,” were the first words that Alex confessed. They were blurted out, spilling from Alex’s lips neither naturally nor freely. Indeed, the young boy looked horrified that he had said that, and began trembling slightly. Jack knew it wasn’t from being cold but grabbed Alex’s abandoned shirt anyway and offered it to him.

Alex accepted it and smiled when Jack helped him to shrug his arms through the sleeves and then did the buttons up for him, sure that Alex’s fumbling fingers wouldn’t be able to complete such a task.

When the shirt had finally been done up, Alex shifted hesitantly towards Jack, who just smiled at the teenager’s awkwardness and opened his arms, a clear signal to his boyfriend. Alex eagerly snuggled into Jack’s chest and sighed contently.

“Your hair is so soft,” Jack murmured absent-mindedly. He could feel it rustling against his chin, feather-light. Alex made a pleased grunt and purred like a cat.

“Why are you so good to me?” Alex asked wonderingly, after a few seconds of deep silence had passed between them both.

“Why do you think you’re a freak?” Jack countered. He tapped Alex’s nose lightly when he opened his mouth to retort. “Don’t do that ‘I asked you a question first’ crap, I know you were going to.”

Alex giggled a little, a sound that was an odd mix between sadness and affection. “Okay,” he agreed, only sounding a little reluctant. “I think I’m a freak because…” He let out a sharp exhale. “I’m…fat, I’m ugly, I have these stupid problems like my anxiety and depression and I cut myself and stuff and just…ugh.” Jack was startled by the self-directed venom in Alex’s voice.

“Well, I have three things to say,” Jack said, in a firm voice that told Alex he was going to have to accept what he said. “You are not fat; you are not ugly; your depression and anxiety, yes they are mental health problems, but they’re neither stupid nor make you a bad person or a freak; and the same goes for your self-harm.”

“That was four things.”

“Firstly, don’t distract me from the subject.” Jack poked Alex lightly in the stomach, eliciting a giggle from his chapped lips. “And secondly, I teach History; not Maths.”

“Okay, I won’t distract you,” Alex replied, winking to hide his discomfort. Jack could read him too well though. “I…” Alex tailed off and buried his face in Jack’s chest for comfort, inhaling his scent happily. Jack waited patiently for Alex to calm himself down and when his boyfriend spoke again, his voice was muffled but still understandable. “I’ve never…I mean, I get what you’re saying and I wish I could believe you, but…I’ve never, and I mean even-when-I-was-little-never, felt secure or slash and comfortable in my own body.”

Jack paused as he considered how to respond to a comment as heart-breaking as that. He decided the change the topic ever so slightly, and ask another question. He didn’t want to push Alex too far or make him clam up either. “Why do you feel like you need to lose so much weight?”

“Two reasons.”

Jack waited for Alex to explain further, and then encouraged him gently when he realised that the young boy hadn’t realised that Jack wanted to know what the reasons were. “Which are?”

“I think I’ll be more attractive,” Alex said bluntly. “I’m not ever going to be actually attractive, I’m very much too ugly. But also,” he hurried on, seeing that Jack had opened his mouth, doubtless to protest that he was ugly. “It gives me some control over my body and my life. I mean…I can control my weight and what I eat so it makes everything else – the things I can’t control – more bearable.”

“You can still control your weight and what you eat without starving yourself, baby. You’re far too skinny already.”

“I know what you’re really trying to say,” Alex said softly. “I don’t have an eating disorder, Jack.”

“Al—”

“I don’t! Yes, I self-harm but I definitely do not have an eating disorder.”

A few seconds passed in silence. Then a whole minute, and then another minute, and then another minute. Alex glanced over to see why Jack said anything, and was horrified to see that his boyfriend was crying silently, tears pooling underneath his eyes and a few slipping down his cheeks.

“Oh, don’t cry,” Alex pleaded, moving round and straddling Jack’s legs so he could hug him easier. “It’s okay,” he whispered, even though he didn’t feel like it would be. He knew he had caused this somehow; he knew Jack was crying because of his weight but he didn’t know why.

He just wanted him to stop.