Chasing Picket Fences
Autumnal Mud
i sat alone on the bench, watching the children play in the park. a leaf fell off a tree in the distance, and even from here i could feel it. the grass was mottled and browning from a hard summer of football and children, the autumnal mud poking through. i kept a close watch on Ronja as she threw the ball to a smaller, red headed boy. my eyes moved, to check another, identical red haired boy, sitting at the bottom of the slide, reading Harry Potter. it shamed me that he was the only one of them to show an interest in the books that made up my childhood. A tall man appeared in my peripheral vision and sat down. i did not look up. he sat quietly for a while and then pulled a battered leather tobacco pouch out of the jacket of his leather coat and started to roll a cigarette. i breathed in the smell of him, not daring to turn my head.
"daughter?" he asked. i saw his head bob in the direction of Ronja. i shook mine.
"sister."
"how old"
"9"
"ah"
he lit his cigarette and went back to silence. i continued to watch as Vivian and Ronja played. JJ was still sat alone, but he was looking off into the distance, his glasses glinting in the sunlight. the park seemed to bellow with silence, despite the fact there were children running around screaming. i got the feeling, as i watched JJ, that he, i and the man beside me were the only ones in this secluded quiet. he'd always been like that, JJ. i felt it might be my fault, he had a distance to himself that reminded me so of me.
my friend had made the connection to.
"he's yours." it wasn't a question, but i nodded any way.
"how old are they?"
"6"
"ah"
the silence seemed to last forever this time, before he stumped out his cigarette and stood to go.
"i had better be off then." i finally turned my head to look at him. the sudden eye contact made him step back. i looked at him properly for the first time, taking in the 'new' leather coat, the shaved chin, the scars. he'd put on weight, not that that was hard, last i'd seen he'd been a scare crow. his hair line had receded yet further, and he'd had it cropped even shorter to make it less out of place. despite all this, and the crows feet around his eyes, he hadn't changed. eyes still sunk in and pale, translucent skin, he was the same man i'd seen walk out the door 10 years before.
he turned to go.
"i-" he stopped, looked slightly over his hunched shoulder, not looking at me, he whispered
"i missed you"
he was gone.
"daughter?" he asked. i saw his head bob in the direction of Ronja. i shook mine.
"sister."
"how old"
"9"
"ah"
he lit his cigarette and went back to silence. i continued to watch as Vivian and Ronja played. JJ was still sat alone, but he was looking off into the distance, his glasses glinting in the sunlight. the park seemed to bellow with silence, despite the fact there were children running around screaming. i got the feeling, as i watched JJ, that he, i and the man beside me were the only ones in this secluded quiet. he'd always been like that, JJ. i felt it might be my fault, he had a distance to himself that reminded me so of me.
my friend had made the connection to.
"he's yours." it wasn't a question, but i nodded any way.
"how old are they?"
"6"
"ah"
the silence seemed to last forever this time, before he stumped out his cigarette and stood to go.
"i had better be off then." i finally turned my head to look at him. the sudden eye contact made him step back. i looked at him properly for the first time, taking in the 'new' leather coat, the shaved chin, the scars. he'd put on weight, not that that was hard, last i'd seen he'd been a scare crow. his hair line had receded yet further, and he'd had it cropped even shorter to make it less out of place. despite all this, and the crows feet around his eyes, he hadn't changed. eyes still sunk in and pale, translucent skin, he was the same man i'd seen walk out the door 10 years before.
he turned to go.
"i-" he stopped, looked slightly over his hunched shoulder, not looking at me, he whispered
"i missed you"
he was gone.