Chasing Picket Fences
I don't understand
Love isn't fair, and I think that is something we all learn quite early on in life, in one way or another. I love all my friends individually, in different ways, but for some of them not the way they need me to. I thought I had got to that point in life where only one man could hurt me, but then I received a message I didn't want to from a very close friend. He told me he couldn't hangout with me anymore because he loves me. I won't lie, my heart broke, not because I felt the same, unfortunately for him I have already found the love of my life and don't intend on leaving him, but because it really is a tremendous lose. He was one of the best people I have met through out my rather adventurous life, and by far one of the coolest friends I have had.
Right now I am exhibiting a massive amount of self control not to go and see him at his work like I do most days, and later I will resist messaging him about something weird or wonderful that may have happened. The amount of self control it is taking is causing me to cry every five minutes, because I am not good at this. I ramble through life not doing a whole lot to restrain myself, and I like life like that. But this isn't the first time this has happened, and I know from experience how bad it ends for everyone, not just the two main parties, if I don't respect their decision to cut themselves out of my life. I have literally ended up running to the other side of the country because I couldn't just let someone go, and do you know what happened when I got here? The same thing. It's a pattern, a painful one.
And there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. Because what they have all basically said is "you are so amazing I can't bear to be friends with you." Which gives me two options, stop trying to make friends in life, or be less awesome. Neither is a good idea, and personally out of the choices available I would go with the latter, but I don't know how to be less awesome, because I don't think I am. I am not special, I am not amazing and, despite all attempts to capture it's magnificence, the sun still refuses to shine out of my arse. So what do I do?
My answer, I don't have a fucking clue.
But then again I think the moment I figure out how love works, it'll be the same moment I discover why humans exist, and I am in no hurry to make that discovery.
Right now I am exhibiting a massive amount of self control not to go and see him at his work like I do most days, and later I will resist messaging him about something weird or wonderful that may have happened. The amount of self control it is taking is causing me to cry every five minutes, because I am not good at this. I ramble through life not doing a whole lot to restrain myself, and I like life like that. But this isn't the first time this has happened, and I know from experience how bad it ends for everyone, not just the two main parties, if I don't respect their decision to cut themselves out of my life. I have literally ended up running to the other side of the country because I couldn't just let someone go, and do you know what happened when I got here? The same thing. It's a pattern, a painful one.
And there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. Because what they have all basically said is "you are so amazing I can't bear to be friends with you." Which gives me two options, stop trying to make friends in life, or be less awesome. Neither is a good idea, and personally out of the choices available I would go with the latter, but I don't know how to be less awesome, because I don't think I am. I am not special, I am not amazing and, despite all attempts to capture it's magnificence, the sun still refuses to shine out of my arse. So what do I do?
My answer, I don't have a fucking clue.
But then again I think the moment I figure out how love works, it'll be the same moment I discover why humans exist, and I am in no hurry to make that discovery.
♠ ♠ ♠
These are becoming more autobiographical as it progresses. I will soon be taking it down to edit and hopefully do something serious with the concept. Hope you are all well