Crash

I couldn't look at anyone, I couldn't bare it the sympathy on their faces, the tears in their eyes I hated it, hated it all. The black dress I wore, the sunny morning, the big oak trees, my mother a sobbing mess. Everyone I hated them all.
I felt the tiny soft hand of my baby sister Emily grip onto three of my fingers and I released a breath I hadn't realised I was holding.

I couldn't hate her she was this tiny innocent five year old who hadn't spoken a single word in just under a week and it seemed I was the only one to notice. Another huge sob tore from my mother and the sniffling and sobbing that came from the entire congregation made me want to scream. Instead I lifted Emily to sit her on my hip and she instantly buried her head in my neck, as I watched them lower the casket that held the lifeless body of our farther.

I couldn't cry though someone had to hold it together and it definitely wasn't going to be my mother or my aunt or by the sounds of it anyone for that matter. I wouldn't let the tears come today though I couldn't, I also couldn't watch the horrid scene in front of me anymore. So I let my eyes wonder to the graves surrounding us, to the big oak trees that provided us shade from this morning sun. It really was a beautiful landscape until you noticed the hundreds of tombstones and that's when I spotted him standing off in the distance under one of the oaks I hated.

He had no right to be here, none at all, I wanted to stomp over there and tell him to leave immediately. Why would he be here I didn't understand, this was his fault, all his fault and there he stood staring at me. And I found I couldn’t move, as they threw roses down on the casket but I couldn't move to join them I was locked on him. His skinny black jeans and white t-shirt with a blazer, how dare he.

He held my eyes like no one seemed to be able to since the accident and maybe it was the distance between us that allowed him to do so when no one else could. I'm not sure but he held my gaze with such intensity that I had to close my eyes in order to break it. And as I opened them again a few seconds later he had turned his back on me and was walking away.
Good, I wanted to scream at him ‘leave you shouldn't be here in the first place this is your fault’ but if I was being honest with myself I knew it was just as much my fault as it was his and for that I hated myself as much as I hated the rest of them.

“Thank you for coming”, I said for what felt the thousandth time.

“Anything we can do for you Livie you name it” my best friend April said

“Thanks I'll let you know if I need anything,” I faked a smile and gave her a hug as she too left the wake.
Jason was next we had been dating for roughly a year now and even he couldn't look me in the eye.

“Do you need help cleaning up or anything?” He asked he was almost always polite

“No it's okay I'm gonna head home too, let the staff clean up.” He nodded solemnly while I tried to work out what he was looking at exactly I think my chin definitely avoiding eye contact.

“Well I'll see you tomorrow,” I told him.

“What your gonna go to school?” He asked shocked

“Yea well what else am I gonna do sit at home and wallow?”

“No one would blame you Liv.”

“Yea well no thanks” I told him

“Ok I'll see you tomorrow then” And with that he gave me a delicate kiss on the check like he thought I would break.