Goodbye.

BWI is strangely empty, even for a dusky early morning. Alex counts thirty-one cars and just five buses. It was absolutely strange, and he tried to find more, mostly in an attempt to distract himself from what was about to occur. His awareness of the situation was blanketed by the amount of time he still had left, but now that the clock is ticking to the final moments, he’s not sure what to do or how to feel.
Alex Gaskarth was never the one for goodbyes, and he’s not sure if he’ll ever be. He often wonders, generally late at night when he can’t seem to fall asleep, if he’ll be trying to avoid his own death. He always decides on several plans to out-live death, because he really doesn’t feel like saying goodbye, at all. Then he thinks of Rian and his throat clenches up, and he has to go and pour himself a glass of water so that he won’t break down. So, no, Alex has never, ever been the one for goodbyes.
It was either this, or he sleep through it all. And he decided that waking up to no Jack, as if he suddenly disappeared, would be much worse than having to watch him leave. He toyed with this on the drive over.
It’s building up to that moment and he can literally feel it. Jack’s staring at him from the driver’s seat, weirdly calm and collected. He’s watching Alex, waiting for the man to suddenly grow up and face things, for once. As if it could all happen in just a few minutes. It doesn’t, so Jack gets out with a rather loud sigh, and collects his bags from the trunk. Alex watches him in the side-view mirror, biting on his bottom lip.
“These are really heavy, can you help me?” Alex looked up. Jack was standing by the window, frowning. He was clearly agitated, so Alex silently obliged. It was very chilly and windy outside. He listened to the echoed rushing of cars for a moment. It was a strange, rather ominous sound under the canopy. He quickly went over to the trunk and started pulling out the rest of his luggage.
“We should have found a cart or something,” Jack mumbled with the last bag. He walked off in search of one, leaving Alex alone and standing awkwardly by his pile of stuff. It seemed sodd, for it was a lot, but Jack was taking everything he could. Alex swallowed hard, feeling that painful clenching in his throat again. He stared at the pile of luggage.

---

Everything was strewn everywhere. Alex tripped over a suitcase, torn open. He blinked in confusion, trying to focus in the darkness. There was a sharp ringing in his ears. The buses lights were blinking, illuminating a bit of the road. There was more stuff; Alex stepped on glass as he made his way forward. Something crunched underneath his shoes as he stumbled through the darkness. He was dizzy; the world was swaying slowly, colors and lights mixing up. He started to hear, something weird and loud. He leaned against the back of the bus. It was warm against him. Everything was coming into focus, including his hearing. He heard his name, he called out. There was screaming, different voices. The blinking of the taillights was starting to get annoying, it hurt Alex’s head. He strained to see in front of him. There was something on the ground, something wasn't right. He pushed himself off the bus, stumbling forward with an outstretched arm. Someone was yelling again, louder than before. Alex kept going, slowly. He tripped over another bag. The faint yellow light made it just a bit easier to see. He smiled, finally seeing clearly.
“Rian, I think we’re really drunk” he stammered, coming forward just a bit more. He fell to his knees, laughing. His head really was starting to hurt, he wondered what happened. He heard that screaming again, it was coming closer. He shook Rian, laughing. There were sirens, he heard them and it made his head ache even more. Someone was grabbing at him, pulling him up to his feet and away. Rian was still, the lights barely reached him, flashing over and over again. Then there were people running towards him, bright white light flooded over where he lay. Alex saw blood. But everything was going black and he started to feel like he was spinning and falling at the same time. Alex saw blood and clothes and plates everywhere before it was all just darkness.

---
Jack wheeled his luggage away to check it in as Alex sat down on a bench. He sat there, watching people walk by him. It was interesting, certainly, but it didn’t distract him enough as he would have liked. Every now and then he would turn around, looking for Jack. He wished he had a book or something to entertain him, to keep him from his ugly responsibilities and bad thoughts. He couldn’t help but to regress as he sat there. It only made him anxious and jittery. There were so many things he wanted to say, and he was listing them all in his head in a rather frantic way. He tried to come up with something brilliant and persuading as he sat there, with his limited amount of time. He knew, though, that no matter what, Jack was leaving. There was nothing he could say or do to stop him; he already knew that all too well.

---

He was looking at the floor, trembling visibly, but he was silent. Alex was moved by this, absolutely confused because it was so unlike Jack. If he was moving, he was talking or screaming. Jack was movement and noise.
His head snapped up as Alex sat on the chair in front of him. There was clearly something wrong by the looks of him, which sent a jolt of terror throughout his body. Alex was completely unfamiliar to the expression Jack wore; his eyes were heavy-lidded, filled with pain and his lips were slightly parted, but twisted into a strange, sad scowl. He looked like he was ready to burst into tears or scream. Alex’s heart began to race, thumping hard and heavily against his ribs. He was sure he was going to pass out from the suspense. He watched Jack’s lips, waiting for whatever bad news he was about to spout. Jack swallowed hard, but barely managed to complete the swallow and he let out a very faint, pained exhale. The words were in the back of his throat and he struggled to form them with his mouth. He licked at the back of his teeth as he grimaced and looked away from Alex.
“I’m leaving,” he finally stated, a bit louder than he must have expected because his own voice caused him to jump slightly. He closed his eyes, biting down hard on his bottom lip. Alex moved to the edge of his seat, clutching at his knees. He heart was racing even faster.
“What do you mean?” he asked quietly, voice barely audible. And he was sure he wasn’t heard over the complex noises his body was making as it went into complete panic. Jack opened his mouth, but only soft noises came out. Alex started to cry, his face crumpling. He ran his hands over his face, trying to calm himself down. He let out a long, shaky breath.
“I’m moving to Lebanon,” he heard Jack whisper, his voice cracking considerably. Alex started shaking his head, trembling all over. It felt as though Jack had ripped out his organs. His entire chest hurt, his stomach felt like it was twisting. He couldn’t help his breathing, which turned into loud, heavy gasping. Alex tried desperately to calm down, but his attempts only put him in more pain. His throat hurt so badly, it was like he was breathing in freezing cold air. He clenched his fists and rubbed them on the sides of his legs, another attempt at calming down. He kept shaking his head.
“Are you coming back?” he managed to ask, voice coming out broken and raspy. Jack smiled a very small and quick smile at that.
“Sometime,” he murmured. He moved forward slightly, contemplating reaching for Alex, but couldn’t get himself to do it. Alex stayed still, hands now covering his face. Tears trickled down his chin, sticking to his hands. His neck was moist with tears and snot; his eyes were starting to sting. His lip trembled as he tried to speak again.
“Please don’t go,” he begged, voice muffled by his hands, “Don’t leave me,” He heard Jack stir, his clothes brushing against the sofa. He sighed heavily, and it ended with a brisk sob. Alex clenched his eyes shut.
“I have to,” he said gently, sadly. Jack looked down at his legs, guilt now washing over him. He sucked in a breath, calming himself just slightly as Alex continued to sob and beg for him quietly. The only sound was his crying and sniffling.
“You weren’t like this when Zack left,” Jack muttered, voice perking up. He was trying to make light of it all. Alex shook his head at that, becoming pissed off. He lowered his hands and stared at the other man.
“He moved to California,” he spat, wiping at his nose with his wrist. Jack nodded slowly, pursing his lips. Alex sneered, continuing, “That was totally different, don’t even compare it,” his voice trailed off into silence. Jack sat up, now he had become angry.
“How can you say that?” he snapped back, scowling heavily. Alex rolled his eyes and looked away, still wiping at his face. Jack repeated the question, angrier. Alex refused to budge from his silence, save for a curt and rather sharp laugh. Jack felt a pang of pain in his stomach at that. He repeated the question several times, each time with more bite than the last. Finally, Alex stared at him, completely calm save for his immense frustration. He glared at the other man.
“Because I didn’t love Zack like I love you,” he spat bitterly, a bit of spit dribbling over his lips. He wiped at his face. Jack stared up at him, mouth gaping. The corners of his lips twitched into a slight grin as a look of realization flashed over his face. It quickly dissipated, which left both of them with a queasy feeling of dissatisfaction. It really pained Alex. Jack cleared his throat, in an attempt to cut the tense silence. When Alex looked at him, his eyes were guilty, but there was just a small, lingering smile trying to pass his lips. He realizes in that moment what was going on, and he whispered a very faint, "oh."
“Not even that can get you to stay,” he muttered, feeling completely drained as the words passed his lips. Jack nodded, slowly with a deepening frown.
“It’s not you,” he began to mutter, and Alex was really unsure if he completed his sentence because his voice just faded into static. He felt his heart fall through his body. He felt completely empty, and for the first time in a long time, really alone. For a split second, all of the sudden, he remembers something Rian said four summers ago. He was smiling and laughing as he spoke,
“I swear to god, you two will be a thing one day, I just know it,” he said excitedly, eyes lighting up. Alex can't feel anything but extreme remorse after that and wonders if Jack remembered too. He looks up briefly. By the looks of it, he did.

---

Alex is very much aware of the time and how little of it he has left with Jack. They are both painfully aware, refusing to acknowledge it or each other. The airport was starting to pick-up around them, the hum of voices becoming louder and more complicated as they sat there. It was just a matter of time until Jack had to leave to go through security.
With a colossal sigh, Alex turns towards Jack, who was staring at his legs with immense concentration. He looks over the thin man, taking him in with a small, sad smile on his face.
“I’m going to really miss you,” he mutters, feeling all his emotions creep up on him at once. He swallows hard and bites his lip. Jack looks up at him and gives a faint smile, his eyes beginning to glisten with tears. He nods slowly, swallowing dryly with great difficulty.
“I’ll probably be calling all the time,” he admits, laughing softly. He stands up, flattening out his shirt. Alex follows suit, but with more difficulty. He digs the tips of his fingers into the palms of his clenched fists. They both sway their arms and look everywhere else but at each other. Finally, Alex can’t take it anymore and he lunges at Jack, wrapping his arms around his shoulder. He’s warm and smells like pear, which Alex finds just a little bit strange. He burrows his face into the crook of Jack’s neck as the man hugs back, wrapping his arms around Alex’s waist. They stay there, swaying a bit, for several minutes. Alex starts to feel a strong aching in his chest again, and it quickly dawns on him that this is really it.
Jack pulls away slowly, his limbs lingering on Alex’s body. When he finally lets go, it feels like he pulled Alex’s breath from his body. He stings all over and it takes him everything not to burst into tears. Jack stares at him, eyes flickering over his face. He leans over and presses a soft, gentle kiss to Alex’s cheek, lingering just for a moment. He smiles after pulling back, a big grin, but it doesn’t quiet reach his eyes. Neither say a word, Jack just sighs a rather loud, shaken sigh and takes his carry-on. He clutches at the straps and looks at Alex again, giving another flash of his smile, before turning around and walking in the other direction towards security.
A knot wells up in Alex’s throat as he watches Jack become smaller and smaller, until he can’t really see him anymore. He stays there for just a little while longer before turning around and leaving. He makes his way to the parking garage without thinking about anything else but the echo of the cars and his own footsteps. The garage is cool and dark, which he manages to enjoy. He sits in the car for an awful long time, listening to his surroundings. He hears the loud hum of an airplane taking off somewhere to his left. He knows it’s not Jack’s flight, but he can’t help but feel like it is. He squeezes the steering wheel and strains to hear. It takes him a while after that to start the car and drive off slowly. He pays the teller without saying a thing, but gives a rather meek smile. As he merges to the exit for the freeway, he glances up and watches a plane take off. He can’t help but whisper a very soft, “goodbye” as he watches it go.