Love Is a Selfish Thing.

Kellin was at a loss of words. What was he going to say? Slightly panicked, he grabbed the diary out of her hands. “None of your business” he snapped bitterly, and shoved the diary into his backpack. Kailey sighed. Kailey rolled her eyes heavily. “No Kellin, I want to know: who is Vic!” She said sternly, looking Kellin straight in the eyes. Would it be the best idea to tell her who Vic was…. Or should he just keep quiet? He didn’t know! How would he explain it to her, that was another question… Would she even understand the situation?

Of course Kailey was no six year old child, no, she’s a young sixteen year old girl, almost a full grown woman with knowledge of the world and what goes on in it. She knows that Kellin is gay so his kind of weird ‘obsession’ with a guy she would see as normal, maybe even see it as a crush. Kellin wasn’t sure and also he was scared that his sister would find him ridiculous for reading it. But he also wanted to tell someone, who maybe brings a new light upon this situation and maybe, his sister could give him some idea’s where he would find the boy.

‘Here goes nothing…’ Kellin thought and let out a loud sigh. “Okay,” Kellin gave in, “I’ll tell you all I know”. Kailey looked at him with a frown upon her face. “How do you mean, ‘all I know’?” She asked him, Kellin rolled his eyes lightly. This is why he sometimes hated his little sister: she wasn’t heard a word of the story, yet she’s already asking questions! “Let me explain and it’ll all be clear to you” He groaned, Kailey quickly nodded and signed him to start his story, or maybe even better said: most of Vic’s story that he knows so far.

“So the first day we got here and we’d chosen rooms I was making my bed, I pulled away the bed from the wall when I suddenly heard something drop. I didn’t know what it was until I looked under the bed, there was this little black book. When I opened it, I read that it belonged to a boy named Vic, Victor Vincent Fuentes to be exact” I spoke, but Kailey interrupted me. “Who’s this Vic dude?” She asked, again I rolled my eyes. “I’m getting there, Kailey, be patient!” I groaned frustrated and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Sorry,” she mumbled, “please, continue!”

“Anyway, the diary tells the story of Vic: in his first entry he wrote about who is was, what he’s been going through and such. He’s gay, just like me, Kailey, only he gets bullied for it. It’s unfair, he doesn’t deserve it. No one who is different deserves to be bullied for that particular difference from them. Vic also writes about his boyfriend: Jaime. Through the entries he talks more about his developing relationship with Jaime and such, also about their dates and mini-break up. It’s cute to read, even though I have to admit it kind of makes me jealous that I don’t have someone. Maybe a someone like Vic.”

“He writes songs, Kailey, he puts them in there because his lyrics book is gone. His lyrics are deep, and have kind of a strange vibe to them. I hope I can find his real lyric book, too. Actually, I can kind of relate on him, I think. I don’t know exactly but I kind of feel bonded to him even though I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me. I’ve been thinking about him a lot and where he could be and such. I would really like to meet him, so I can help him in whatever way possible.”

Silence fills the room while Kailey looks at Kellin, she’s clearly at a loss of words. “Kellin….” She mumbled quietly, throwing her arms around Kellin’s neck. The older brother was frozen for a second, surprised by his younger sister who was now slightly sobbing in the crook of his neck. “I’ve read the first few entries and I get your bond with him, he seems so nice. Have you found out anything about him?” She asked, Kellin shook his head in defeat. “I found a picture of him in that box the other day and that Mike is his brother but other than that, nothing” Kellin sighed.

Kailey jumped up. “Ask Mike, I mean: we ran into him today, we can find him again!” She yelled excited but her brother thought about this differently. “Kailey, are you completely insane? I can’t go up to him and be like ‘hey Mike, my bro has found your bro’s diary, where is he’?” Kellin groaned loudly and pinched once again the bridge of his nose. Kailey’s excitement dropped as soon as it came when she realised that her brother was right. “Can you at least do something for me?” She asked, her brother looked up with a frown upon his face. “Will you read me Vic’s next entry? I’m kind of excited to hear more about him and I love your voice.”

February 7th,
In just three days it’s gonna be my eighteenth birthday. I don’t know what to think of it. First: I’m excited, I mean: who wouldn’t be excited to finally turn eighteen but second: I’m surprised I’m still here…
This is not something I talk about easily, in fact I think I haven’t done it before but I do think about it a lot. Most of the times I feel lonely and worthless, it makes me think: If I wasn’t here anymore, would everyone be better off than with me here? Would Jaime finally find someone better? Would Mike finally get the attention he deserves? Would my mother be happy to finally find non-blood covered clothes in the laundry? Would my dad finally be happy that his gay son is gone? I don’t know…. Or would Jaime be devastated by my loss? Would Mike get tired of being the center of attention back home? Would mom be reminded of me if there were bloodstains in clothes? Would dad still make stupid relationship jokes? In fact, those four, and Tony, are the only ones who’ve ever really accepted me as who I was: a gay teenager who self-harms. I know I don’t talk about Tony a lot, actually, but I guess that’s a story for later…