Late Goodbye

„I can’t believe I’m doing this...” Every muscle in my arms begged for mercy as I stepped over the porch already the ninth time in the last ten minutes. My eyes landed on Syn who was carrying five half empty bottles from his little, adorable bar to the kitchen just to pour the beverages out.

„Well...” I put the last pair of bags in the living room, „It’s this or rehab... So take a pick,” He was screwing a cork off a bottle of Patron, before he poured the contents in the sink.

„And what makes you think that pouring out your expensive booze will keep me from getting a new bottle?” I took a cigarette out from the pack of his Marlboro which was so carelesly thrown across the dark coffee table. Judging by his face, it seemed like he hadn’t thought the plan through. He couldn’t lock me in his house, and judging by his face he was thinking the same thing. „I’m an alcoholic, not an idiot, Syn.”

„It’s Brian...” He murmured, still keeping his back turned against me. I was watching over the big chaos in his living room. I was looking at the black leather couch which seemed like it was going to explode from the weight of all the suitcases.

„What?” I turned my head so I could see his backside. Did he say something?

„My name’s Brian...” He said it very sternly. It sounded like he had grown tired of everyone calling him Synyster Gates a very long time ago. „Tell me something about yourself.”

„Actually I was about to go for a smoke,” I pointed to the cigarette I was holding in my fingers once he turned to look at me and crossed his arms over his chest. I wasn’t the one to brag and I was not willing to dilate in the very boring story of my life. His head pointed out towards the ash tray on the dark kitchen island. „Are you serious?” He was really considering the thought of keeping me a prisoner here?

„Do I look like I’m joking?” I inspected his face, and to be honest, being as sober as I was at the moment, I saw him in a fully different light. There was no alcohol to pump any courage through my veins. This person right here, who seemed so careless in his nature, his poise, his speech... Looked very beastly. I had completely no idea of how I even got myself into this mess, no I was not talking about my life, but this. This house. Full of emotions and... memories. I noticed the photo frames hanging from the wall next to the staircase when I first came in. Sy... Brian’s house was full of love. The complete opposite of my... mansion. It was cold and empty. And I liked it that way.

„You could at least trust me enough to let me take a smoke outside...” My eyes blinked a couple of times, fixing on his face. How many bottles of booze did I drink to get here?

„That’s not going to happen, darling.” His lips curved in that make-believe smile. „I’m not willing to run after you once you take off.”

„I’m still not getting why are you doing this... And why the hell did I agree.” I was lacking memory from the day before. Had I been in the studio? Was that where he met me? How did I even get to the studio in the shape I was at the time? So many unanswered questions kept strolling through my head.

„You agreed cause you couldn’t resist my charms...” The same smile was still ghosting on his lips. He picked out a lighter out of his pocket and threw it my direction seeing how I couldn’t manage to find one myself. I thanked him with a nod of a head.

„Thanks,” I dragged a good amount of nicotine in my lunges, before I threw the metallic lighter back to him, „But that’s not possible. Even when I’m shitface drunk, I don’t wind up with guys like you.” Or guys at all. I don’t find any redemption in a bed of some testosterone overflown fellow.

„You want to tell me you don’t remember anything?” He looked amused. Well, I didn’t!

„What should I have to remember?” The right question was- did I even want to remember?

„Me. You. Having some angry sex in studio.” I choked on the smoke I recently dragged in an started coughing. Damn you, Gates...

„What?” My eyes grew wide. Fine, I was drunk. I don’t remember half the things of that day, but I was certain, I didn’t sleep with him. Did I? No, No... That’s not possible. I patted on my chest to get the smoke out of wherever it had gotten in to.

„See?” He came further and boosted his arms on the island, „You’re not sure. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to remember... everything?”

To remember... Everything...The face of my sister’s came back to me. Her silvery irises, the small, adorable nose. Her auburn hair. All painted in red.The blood. The blood was everywhere, it seemed like the rain was colored in crimson. I shook my head. „No, no it wouldn’t.”

„What are you so afraid of, Jill?” He narrowed his eyes on me, but I didn’t answer. He wasn’t ready for the answer. I wasn’t ready to go back. „You have to talk to me...” He sighed, feeling defeated.

„The memories, Brian. They’re haunting me.” The rattling noise of the tires, the scream, the dreadful scream of Jamie... The smell of death.

„You have to let them go...” He sighed. I had completely forgotten about the cigarette I was smoking, it was starting to burn my fingers. I put it out against the side of the ashtray. I tried to let go. God knows I did. It was just not enough.

„Let them go?” I was close to yelling. „Let them go... I have a question for you... Have you ever killed someone? No, of course not. Well, Brian, I killed my twin. Welcome to the life of Jill Miller!”

„It was an accident.” His look was gentle, inviting. He wanted for me to trust him, to tell him everything. Was he really willing to hear it?

„No, it wasn’t. I was drunk.” A small white fur-ball ran up to me, wiggling his tail rather happily.

„Then you don’t think you’ve stepping on the same rake all over again?” The Maltese barked, trying to get my attention.

„I hardly ever think, Brian, and if I do, I think of her.” I bent down to pick up the fur-ball. My fingers traveled to it’s head to scratch it behind it’s ear. The fur was soft, almost like my fingertips had gotten lost in strands of silk. Was this his dog? I didn’t imagine him to be a dog person.

„She would want a different life for you.” His eyes traveled from me to the cute pup. It liked my cheek, leaving a wet trail starting from my jaw line and ending somewhere around my lips. „Pinkly, stop!”

„You don’t know anything. My sister despised me... She despised me for who I was.” The Maltese stopped wiggling his tail, noticing his owner being mad over something. Silly Pinkly, he’s not mad at you. He’s mad at his stubborn, alcoholic, worth for nothing producer Jill.

„And what were you?” I placed pinkly on the high stool, patting her head. At least I thought it was a she. I could be wrong, though.

„An arrogant jerk, who led a life of a rockstar. God already punished me for what I’d done.” I raised my palm, to remind him of my disability. I decided to conceal that I wanted to go against the will of god and took up some experimental micro-surgery in order to fix the ties in my palm. God punished me again. It made it a lot worse. I have absolutely no senses in my pinky and I feel agonizing pain each time I bend my fingers, like I’m holding the guitar. „Now I’m punishing myself.”

„So you’re doing it on purpose. Are you that willing to die?” I noticed him getting even more angrier by every answer he got out of me. Didn’t I say he was not ready for it?

„I’m a coward, love. I’m not capable of suicide. I just hope my liver will stop functioning one day and then it’ll be done.” Pinkly hit me with her paw. I guess she didn’t like me that much, but then I noticed she was playing with the buckle of my jacket.

„What are you saying?” Brian frowned, going around the island and stopping next to Pinkly.

„I’m saying I have nothing to live for.” There I said it, can we now stop this torture and get over to drinking my way to nonentity? I felt tears rising up in my eyes.

„Then find something,” He said through bitten teeth. I saw the knuckles on his fists becoming white. „What about your family?”

„My family?” I laughed out, forcing a sob from coming out my lips, „They hate me for killing Jamie!”

„There’s absolutely nothing you feel passionate about?” His palm layed on my shoulder.

„Well... I had this dog...” His face lit up a bit as he looked back at Pinkly. I guess she was the apple of his eye, although I would’ve imagined him owning a different type kind of a dog. A Doberman or a Pitbull perhaps.

„That’s at least something.”

„He got hit by a car three days after I brought him home. Dead on the scene. I kind of gave up.” I shrugged, seeing Brian pick up the little furball. Was he afraid I’ll do something to her? I was not a maniac, for god sake!

„Any friends?” The last straw, huh? With my temper?

„I have frenemies. Like John. He hates my gut, but licks my ass, like there’s no tomorrow.” I realized I had said enough. Not even being drunk. „And now you’ll feel obligated to be my friend. Great. Fucking awesome.”

„Don’t worry, I won’t,” That relaxed me a bit, but then again, did it? The only person I had talked to without feeling the tension of hate between us and he says he won’t be my friend. Wake up, Jill. You have no one, but yourself. And you’re doing just fine. „I’m here just to help you to get out of that addiction.”

„Did I even say I wanted to get out of it?” I frowned seeing how he and Pinkly went for the living room, taking two suitcases in his free hand and going for the stairs.

„Yes, you did.” When? People don’t have to take me seriously, when I’m intoxicated, which is mostly all the time. „I’ll carry the bags to your room and please, fix yourself something to eat. You’re skin and bones.”

As he disappeared upstairs, I exhaled in defeat. Maybe this was for the best, although I didn’t believe I won’t go back to the old habits as soon as he kicks me out of his home for misbehaving. My feet carried me to the fridge. I opened it to see it was fully stocked. My eyes also laid on something else. Two cans of beer. I sighed taking them out and moving towards the sink.

„What the fuck are you doing?” Brian was behind my back, hearing me open one of the beer.

„You forgot these...” I looked back at him and saw something I didn’t stumble over quiet often. He was smiling warmly, like he had just experienced his kid’s first baby steps.