Wake Me Up

Okay. So maybe I overreacted. And maybe I should have stayed at Vic’s house. But what was I supposed to do? It’s not like I could just tell him. I can’t tell anyone. I don’t have any proof that this has ever even happened. So if the police were to get involved it would just be my word against my father’s. Without any proof they can’t charge him and then I’d get in even more trouble.

It’s not really worth it.

But even so I shouldn’t have acted like that. I said so many horrible things to him, so many things that I didn’t mean. And I pushed him, I pushed him. Just the thought makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Because that’s not something I would do, that’s something he would do. He pushes people, he hurts people and I don’t want to be anything like him.

But I guess I am.

I’m in my house for all of two seconds when I get slammed into a door. I can feel all of the air as it’s forced out of my body; it makes my throat itch and my eyes water. A hand tightly grips my face, again, pushing roughly into the already bruised area. I look up to see my dad, who is furious, glarng at me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” my father growls at me. I honestly don’t know how to respond to this. Why was he here? He’s supposed to be at work for another hour. I’m only here because I knew it would end badly if I didn’t show up.

“I-I,” I try to make out, but it doesn’t really matter. He’s holding my jaw so tight that I can’t say anything, even if I did know what to say. He only grips my jaw tighter the more I try to move it. Why does he always ask me question if he doesn’t want an answer?

“Don’t you have a fucking life?” he shouts. I want to yell, to scream no. No I don’t have a life, because he’s always moving us around, because he always prevents me from talking to people, because he is single handedly ruining my present life. I don’t move or say anything. He shoves me harder into the door, “Of course you don’t, what am I thinking? Who could ever want to be friends with you?”

Again I want to kick and scream and yell and throw a tantrum. Because I have friends now(maybe) and what right does he have to be like this? You can’t just treat your child like this. No, scratch that, you can’t treat anyone like this. I don’t move though. I don’t make a sound, or even look at him. I wait for it to be over, I’m always waiting for it to be over.

“Well, you’ve got to get the hell out tonight,” he says, squeezing my jaw again. He’s usually not this erratic, he usually doesn’t leave marks on my face. “I have a visitor coming.”

As soon as he lets me go I turn around and practically leap out the front door. I don’t really know where I’m going, it’s not like I can go back to Vic’s, not after what I did. I don’t have anywhere else to go. I end up wandering around, just walking through that hold no significance; they all look exactly alike. Eventually I find a park that’s off the main street, but shielded by trees. The whole place is quiet, almost cut off from the rest of the world. It’s a little beat down. The equipment looks old and worn, the trees all seem to be half dead, and the dirt it all light brown. But no one is here.

It’s perfect.

The slide is the tube kind, where you have to tunnel through to get to the bottom. It winds around to make a single loop. I climb on top of it, and lay on the very top. It nice and quiet and I like staring at the stars. It’s like they're all staring back, twinkling at me. People don’t usually look at me that way.

Normally, I would’ve loved being in a place like this. One that is nice and quiet and serene and not home. But I can’t seem to focus tonight. Everything ends up going back to Vic. Was he mad at me? Were we still going to hang out? Were things going to be awkward now? What were we? You can’t just kiss your friends and then not explain any of it. There should be a law against, because it’s a total douche move. I don’t hear anyone approach, although I feel like I should have. It’s not like there’s a whole lot of noise out here. But suddenly I’m getting yelled at.

“Kellin?” Mike yells from the bottom of the slide, “What the hell are you doing up there?” And okay I wasn’t exactly expecting to get yelled at and I’m not the most coordinated person ever. The second I hear someone I jump and because I’m on top of a slide, I fall. Flat on my face. For the second time that day I get the wind knocked out of me. Groaning, I look up at Mike, who’s trying not to laugh. He’s not very successful.

“You okay man?” he asks, walking over to help me up. I glare at him.

“I’ve definitely been better,” I say, looking at him. He raised both of his hand in the air.

“Hey don’t blame this on me. What kind of weirdo hangs out by themselves, in a park, at night?” he asks, looking at me like I’m crazy. i lean forward to brush the mulch that was now clinging to the front of my shirt and jeans.

“You’re here too you know,” I remind him.

“Yeah, but I only came because I was looking for you,” he says, shrugging. I look up at him, raising an eyebrow. Why would anyone be looking for me?

“Um, why?”

“Because,” he sighs, like this should be obvious, “ever since you left Vic has been acting like a mopey shithead. I am not in the mood to deal with him, nor are Jaime and Tony. And since you’re the one that made him like that, you get to take care of him.”

“Why did you look for me in the park?” I ask.

“Why were you in the park?” he snaps back, squinting at me. I shrug.

“Touché.”

“Now come on,” he says, grabbing my wrist and dragging me out of the park. I stumble behind him, trying to find my footing.

“Where are we going?” I ask stupidly.

“Were you not listening at all? we’re going to my house. You can take care of Vic,” Mike replies, not bothering to turn and look at me. I stop and yank my arm free, looking at my feet.

“I can’t,” I mumble. Mike scoffs.

“Why not? You’ve got important late night park thoughts to be thinking? Get over yourself,” he replies, grabbing my wrist and pulling me along, again.

“No...”

“Good,” he says, before I can finish my thought.

“I can’t,” I repeat, “Vic and I kind of had a fight.”

“Even better,” he says. There’s not really a point in arguing with him, so I trail along behind him. The walk back to his house doesn’t last nearly as long as it should. Before I know it, Mike is opening his front door, dropping my hand and plopping down next to Tony on the couch. I stand there for a second; not really sure what to do.

“His room is upstairs, first door on the right,” Jaime says, without looking up at me. I sigh and turn, making my way up the stairs. I stand in front of Vic’s door for at least five minutes. How was I supposed to do this? Who has the nerve to yell at someone and then barge into their rooms uninvited? I shouldn’t be this nervous. I try knocking but no one answers. I sigh again before just opening the door. As soon as I do I get a pillow thrown at me. I guess I deserved that.

“Mike get the hell out,” Vic yells, though he doesn’t look up at me. Instead he lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling. I can see the headphones in his ears, and I pray to god the volumes low enough for him to hear me.

“Um, not Mike,” I mumble. I don’t know what I expect really. If this were a tv show he would bolt upright, looking shocked. Instead he continues to stare at the ceiling, not moving at all really.

“Kellin?”

“Yeah,” I say, reaching my hand over to rub the back of my neck.

“Okay then,” he says, I can see him messing with his headphones. He’s either turning the volume up or down, “Kellin get the hell out.” For a second I don’t really know how to respond. I just stare at him, open mouthed.

“Vic, plea-”

“I’m a little too conceited to hang out with you Kellin,” he interrupts. And fine. Fucking fine. if he wants to be like that fine. I pick the pillow up that he threw at me and throw it as hard as I can at him. He finally sits up, glaring at me.

“What the hell?”

“I needed to get your attention,” I say, and shrug.

“Well now you’ve got it, Kellin, I guess I can stop thinking about myself for five minutes to listen to you,” he says, angrily. I shift from one foot to the other. I probably should have planned something to say.

“Look I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean what I said earlier,” I start. He just laughs, he laughs.

“That’s such a cop out. If you didn’t mean it, you wouldn’t have said it,” he said. I glare at him.

“That’s such bullshit. People say things they don’t mean all the damn time. Especially to someone that’s accusing their father of being a child abuse! How the fuck did you want me to respond?” I yell, walking closer to him. he stands up, throwing his hands in the air.

“The truth maybe? Is it too much to ask that you’re honest with me?” he yells.

“Is it too much to ask that you not ask such personal questions when we just met?” I shout back.

“Oh here we go again with that. I know I don’t know you that well Kellin, but I know when something fucked up is going on and something fucked up is definitely going on!” He shouts stepping slightly closer to me.

“You know nothing Vic Fuentes!” I shout. We stare at each other, angrily.

“I know that the only other person that lives in your house is your dad. I know that everytime you come back from there you have more bruises. I know how to put things together,” he says. I grit my teeth and clench my fists at my side.

“I don’t want to talk about,” I say through my teeth, I shake my hair forward so it covers my eyes.

“In fact it looks like you have another one right now. Have you seen your face lately?” he asks, rather rudely.

“I don’t want to talk about!” I scream. By now I’m sure the whole house heard me, “Is that so hard for you to understand? Is it so hard for you to understand that maybe if that was happening I wouldn’t want to talk about it with the first person I meet? Or if it was happening I would want one place I could go where I didn’t have to be constantly fucking reminded of it? Don’t you think I would want one free place? One place where my dad doesn’t lurk? One place that can just be happy? Is it too much to ask of you to not bring it up?” By the end I can feel tear welling in my eyes; I’m glad my hair was already in my face. I know Vic can tell; especially by the way my voice cracked at the end. He gives up his angry stance and opens his arms.

“Come here,” he all but whispers. Suddenly I’m not mad anymore. I’m sad and tire and I don’t want to feel alone. So I follow his instruction and lean into him. I let him wrap his arms around me, I let him rub circles into my back. “I’m sorry. If you don’t want me to ask questions about the bruises anymore I won’t.”

“Please don’t,” I whisper back on a shaky voice. He pulls me down onto the bed with him. I lay my head on his chest and just let him hold me.

“Do you want to listen to music?” he asks, quietly. Like he’s afraid he’ll scare me away. I nod my head.

“Please,” and he does. He plugs his phone into the speaker and quietly begins playing music. It takes me a second but I realize it’s Stay Together for the Kids by Blink 182. He’s lucky I love this song. He places gentle kisses on the top of my head and I move closer to him. I let him hold me until I fall asleep. Half of me hopes I’ll never wake up.