Hold My Heart

Vic trailed his fingers lightly over my injured abdomen.

"Kellin?" he whispered. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes, but I tried desperately to compose myself. In the heat of the moment I had forgotten what I'd done to my body not even thirty minutes beforehand. I was now ashamed of myself and just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I tried to move away, but Vic held me in place.

"Did you do this to yourself?" he asked. Vic's eyes stared intently into mine, but I didn't dare look back at him. Instead, I focused on his chest as I slowly nodded my head.

"Why would you do that?" he asked quietly. The pain was evident in his voice and I squeezed my eyes shut as one stray tear rolled down my cheek. I didn't want Vic to see me cry. I swallowed and opened my eyes.

"I - I'm sorry. I'm such a fuck up," I muttered in-between sobs.

"Shh shh shh, don't say that," Vic said as he gently pulled me down to his chest. He wrapped his strong arms around me, and I completely broke down. I couldn't contain the tears that streamed down my face and onto Vic's shoulder.

"You're not a fuck up, Kellin. I promise," he said. He kissed the top of my head, and I snuggled closer into the crook of his neck. The room was quiet for several minutes aside for the sound of my crying. I was glad that he hadn't pushed me away yet or said something about how gross my body was. I was sure that was what he was thinking.

"Do you want to tell my why you did it?" he questioned. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down a little before I started talking. I didn't want him to know, but I wasn't just going to tell him half the story. As much as I didn't want to, I had to tell him everything.

"Last month before I moved here, my parents went out to dinner one night. They were only supposed to be gone for a few hours, but once it got to be around midnight I got a call from the police that they had been in a car accident. They were hit by a drunk driver. Neither of them made it," I replied shakily.

"Oh my God. Kellin, I'm so sorry." Vic hugged me tighter to his bare chest, and I let myself be comforted. He started rubbing up and down my back slowly, and it became easier to steady my breathing. I kept talking.

"Then I moved in with my Uncle Billie. I thought it was going to be okay living with him. It usually is, but he gets drunk a lot. And the more he drinks, the angrier he gets," I continued.

"Does he hit you?" Vic asked, his voice laced with worry.

"No. But he breaks things and yells at me a lot. Today he came home and told me that no one wanted me. And one day he told me that my parents only died to get away from me," I replied in a small voice. "Is there something wrong with me?"

"No, no, baby, there's nothing wrong with you," Vic assured me. He kissed my head several times. "You're so perfect."

As much as I wanted to believe him, the voices in the back of my mind told me otherwise. They told me that I was ugly, worthless, a waste of space. But I wouldn't tell Vic all of that. I didn't want to worry him any more than I already had.

"When did you start cutting?" he asked.

"The night of their funeral. That's when it all felt real. When I got home I just . . . couldn't take it anymore," I said, my voice cracking near the end. I hated this. I hated having to think about all of this again. I knew that Vic needed to know, but I just wanted to stop talking about it. It was just slicing at wounds that had never even begun to heal. I decided to change the subject and bring up something that I had been wanting to ask this afternoon.

"So, I was talking to Jesse earlier, and he mentioned this guy named Alex," I said slowly. As soon as I mentioned Alex's name, Vic tensed up.

"What about him?" Vic asked. I could tell that he was getting uncomfortable.

"Jesse said that you beat him up or something. Did you do that?" I asked. I could tell that it wasn't something that he wanted to bring up, but I had to know the truth about what happened with this guy. Vic sighed and made us both sit up. I was straddling his lap with my hands on his shoulders, and his hands were around my back. He was looking off to the side of his room as if he were just trying to avoid eye contact with me. I started getting a little anxious to hear his answer.

"Okay, well, um, me and Alex had been best friends since, like, kindergarten. Then a few years ago I came out as gay to him, which was something huge for me to do. He was the first person I ever told outside of family. I trusted him a lot. Last year he finally told me that he was gay too, and we started dating," Vic said, slowing down at the end. I nodded, telling him to keep going.

"So we kept our relationship secret since neither of us wanted to come out yet. Then one day Alex told me that someone found out, but he wouldn't say who. He said that he couldn't be with me anymore and wouldn't give much of an explanation. The next day at school, he was making fun of me and kept telling everyone that I was gay. Everyone just thought that he was trying to get on my nerves, but he was really just putting my secret out in plain sight. He just turned into this completely different person overnight. After school I tried to get him to talk, but he just kept saying all these hurtful things, and eventually started pushing me. So I fought back," Vic explained. He looked a little angry, but more ashamed of himself.

"So he started it?" I asked. Vic nodded.

"Yeah. And I really regret hurting him. But at the time, I just thought that since he'd changed so quickly, that everything we had together was a lie. I was just really hurt," he said. I nodded.

"But what if, one day, I accidentally hurt you like that? Would you hurt me?" I asked sheepishly. Vic's eyes softened and he cupped my face in his hands.

"No, of course not. I would never hurt you. Ever," he said.

"Ever?" I asked.

"Ever," he promised, and pulled me into a sweet kiss. "All of this was something in the past. It has nothing to do with us or our relationship, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed.